I'm struggling tonight. I hate this. The desire to drink even though I know how aweful it will make me feel. I can't stand this feeling. I feel on edge and unable to focus. Other times I'm really happy and clear. Or I'm sad for losing the drinks. But right now all I can think of is how nice it would be for my body to shut up for just a little while. The immediate answer is to drink. But then I get even more upset. If I drink I know I'm going to feel SO much worse before I even make it to bed. And then tomorrow, my physical pain will make right now look like a walk in the park. I feel defeated. I feel like I've backed myself into a corner and there is nothing left to do but sit here with it. I want to be sober. Somewhere in that emotional rollarcoaster is me. And in those moments I am happy and feel secure in it. I wish my body would just get over it.
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