Some people I"m sure find it very hard to express themselves and open up to people, trust, cry in front of someone, talk about their pain and fears. That makes it really difficult for some to get the full benefit of AA meetings and to talk to a sponsor. It's been really difficult for me but I have come a long way since then. I still have a problem with really talking about what I feel and expressing my pain in front of others. When people say, you must not want it bad enough, or you must not be sick and tired of being sick and tired, or you don't listen or whatever, it bothers me because that wasn't true at all. I really wanted to get better. I didn't believe I could. I felt hopeless and like nobody cared, nobody understood, nobody could help me. I couldn't open up. I found it extremely difficult and way too scary. I had major issues with that. I had to force myself to and only decided to really get help when I absolutely could not bear it anymore and was gonna die or go insane. But after starting to get help I still fell many many times, got more dui's, put myself in the hospital five times, went through outpatient, inpatient, started counceling, stopped going, started again. I couldn't talk. It was so hard. I was so scared and messed up. I needed serious help when I was 16 but couldn't get it because I was way too scared to death to talk and cry in front of someone. it was horrible. So I spent 20 years drinking drugging, attempting suicide several times etc. It all stems from my childhood. I didn't understand why I was that way but I do now. I was extremely depressed as a teen and when I started partying I still couldn't really open up to anyone or get close to anyone. Nobody really knew me or understood. I pushed people away for years and years, real friendships, dating etc. I isolated myself. I was so incredibly alone and scared and felt so hopeless because I just couldn't talk to anyone. What do you do then? It's a horrible place to be. when I first saw a councelor or went to meetings, I couldn't talk for fear I'd cry. I would stutter when I talked and my heart would beat so hard. I felt there's was just way too much that I've dealt with alone that I wouldn't know where to begin. Just so much stuff all bottled up. I couldn't keep appointments. I started and stopped stuff so many times. My mood changed from one minute to the next from I need help, to I don't need help, I can help myself. Up and down. There isn't even adequate help here in my town that accepts medicaid with the HMO I have. It was so hard to get any real help. I struggled alot and it still pisses me off how hard it was to find real help when I did finally force myself to try and get help. I had to get two more dui's, jail time, put myself in hospital for detox depression five times begging for help while going through this suckey outpatient they have here, and practically killing myself before they said ok we'll give you some inpatient. two weeks of it last May. That helped alot but I drank alot since then. What's helped is that I talked little by little here and there and the fear started going away and I got better and better at opening up and reaching out and talking in meetings etc. I still find it hard to call people. I haven't called my sponsor. When I get depressed I get scared to talk and don't even know what to say. It's so difficult sometimes. Or I feel they'll just tell me what I already know. But I think it's in the talking to someone else that is the helpful thing. Getting it out of yourself and not feeling so alone anymore. I'm used to isolating myself, to dealing with my problems myself. I've learned that it's ok to need others, I swore to never need anyone for fear of getting hurt, so I had to shake that. So many issues that some of us have and it makes it harder to get better, to get help. Not everyone is the same.
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