Today i went out with my Mother first time seeing her in i don't know how long.. she took me out for lunch and stated on me about Christmas and why i won't be apart of... 2 christmas's ago my neice and my mother beat the crap out of me and the neice looked at my son who was 4 saying i want you all dead... for some reason i can't bring myself to be around all of them and i don't want my children around them either... when that christmas happen we came home... i started drinking and almost took my life over it... this year i will bring Christmas in sober.... anyway at lunch i got very angry at her.. i got up and left her there... now did i do that cause i have not had a drink in so long or did i do that cause i had to leave before saying thngs i would regret saying? was it my higher power guiding me? i am so confused would like to drink now, barry all this shame i feel right now... i am such a fool maybe even heartless...i wanted to tell mom today how life has been for me and the kids over this last 5 years... i didn't have the chance too... and maybe she wouldn't have cared anyway, after all she only has christmas on her mind and how she wants her girls together. I am sorry MOm .....
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