In how it works it says we must "grasp and develop a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty."
A definition of "rigorous" is "thorough, exhaustive, accurate", and my favorite, "of a rule, system...strictly applied or adhered to."
My honesty begins at the third step, when I completely admit, I am the problem, when there is a problem. No outside problem is so great that it Trumps my inner problem of not having the absolute power I need to completley govern my entire life, from sunrise to sunset, and especially after dark.
What at first seems devastating in a world that actually punsihes us if we aren't correct in the form of self-reliance, or shames us as inferior, if continued to be committed to, turns into an awesome gift that holds the keys to a managable day.
Me thinking I can lie, and that add to serving others or being unselfish is simply incorrect. Whether it be in word or action, if I am not honest, and thinking I can run the show, or make the ultimate decisions, regarding responses to others and major dilema's in my life, I will only end up serving myself, sadly. I know I wasn't created to only serve myself, that would require a demonic God who has no real power. I do know my alcoholism has prevented me from doing anything other than serving myself, and that has shaped my mind to think of myself first.
The main purpose of my life, is to work on shifting my thoughts from my self, to others. How do I do that? Well I must first understand that recognizing and admitting I am selfish, and do think of myself by default reguarly, first, of being the reality. If I am dishonest, and not admitting I am selfish, and that I do think of myself first, especially when trying to solve problems or create a better life, I will go nowhere. I can anticipate a borish and confused existence, anger all the time, afraid of the next moment, on guard from "punishment" and in very danger of drinking alcohol, which will lead to a path of unnecessary destruction.
I think it important to give examples, to give people the chance to relate, so I am not just talking. I woke up today and my instincts gave me no peace to really connect with God. The reasonsing behind the egoic chatter is my sex instinct was saying I needed to tone my body more so women would ALL want to sleep with me MORE, which is greedy, dishonest, and inconsiderate. Further reasoning was added when I realized instinctively, having a tone body of my ego's demand takes a large portion of time to dedicate to, so a great revulsive fear was followed by the greed, dishonesty, and inconsideration, that I was not addressing an income void on the cost tally of "a successful life." I look around my home, and there is clutter, it could be cleaner, etc. This affected my social instinct, and even though nobody ever comes into my home, I am certain it needs to be cleaned, so they don't judge if they ever were to come into my home.
I woke up, with a mind that was demanding I work out, get money, gain other's approval, and that maintaing and building spirituality was "not that important."
Not a great way to manage the day if you're an alcoholic. I have a little experience staying sober now, and I know, it's all just a bunch of crap, from a mind that still thinks it has some ability to run a show. I knew prayer, meditation, and sharing would help gain clarity, so I did what I default too, when my instincts are trying to persuade me to "solve problems" that those same instincts got me into in the first place! The default was, pray, read the big book, share my experience, strengh, and hope either at a meeting or here on DS, and then do the best I can the rest of the day, anticipating that God is caring for and loving me each step of the way. Much easier said than done.
I have a fear of "how am I going to solve debt" and then a resentment of "why do I have to deal with these people."
Me running the show is going to only focus on debt solvency, but me practicing the steps, and communicating with God, has already shown me a greater truth that me being in debt is great for a bank, and if I am honest, a bank is more important to the greater whole than my individual situation. Not only is that true, but I am in good standing payment wise with all the banks I am in relationships with, so that is a bridge I have built, when in the past, no bank would do business with me because I always said "screw you" when money was owed. God has every penny accounted for when it comes to ALL the income I will ever experience in this life, and I know this spiritually, but my mind, the ego, continues to work as if it is not part of a recovery team, that learns and then moves on. The ego still thinks it has the power to run a successful show, and it is wrong, but also needs to constantly be given an honest retort when it suggests I make moves to "better my life." My life people would literally kill for, I have nothing to complain about, if I am honest, and spiritually well.
When it comes to this fear, a fear of income not being as great as my greedy financial instinct demands, I must ask for the fear and the greed to be removed by a higher power with real authority and real love. This real alcoholic needs an authority so great it actually will provide miracles and the means to go forward not just to do so but to help and serve others as a way to make life greater. The literature in How it Works is very clear in how it speaks of fear being a cancer in life, that if not removed, only makes things worse! The literature also says if we ask for the fear to be removed, through prayer, and then also ask for our attention to be directed to what God wants for us, we "outgrow" fear, and can commence to move forward in life happy, joyous, and free. Of course we need honesty, to be willing, and right now I honestly not willing to "grow." I am content in my misery, and that is not making for much motivation to cure my income voids. I have to accept that willingness to cure my income voids isn't at a level it needs to be if I don't want an ego proclaiming loss when it comes to income void. I have no one else to blame but myself for being lazy, unmotivated, lacking the spirit of being a champion, not in the mood to face adversity or build a strong base. From past experience, this is very dangerous for me, and for others. I am grateful that I can be honest and admit I am not courageous or "into it" enough to want to participate in society or bettering the community or world right now. I have to also admit the Donald Trump era is a major factor. My spirit and soul is saying "Why work hard for those assholes?" "Why work hard for the rich who are lying to me to try to get more rich?" "Why participate in a society that thought this would be acceptable and the right leadership?" I'm seeing the current administration as a power greater than myself, and when I then look at their principles of dishonesty, contempt prior to investigation, baseless and false accusations, slander of their own mothers just to get a vote or two, I have to admit, it gives me no hope that this place is worth doing anything for.
I have to admit, I don't want to do shit, and I don't want to be great, because those fuckers are my leaders! I should be leading them if you want to know the truth. It's like taking orders from five year olds, it's cute and might work on a Sunday afternoon when everyone is just relaxing and enjoying each other, but when a major decision needs to be made at 2:00 on Wednesday, you can go ahead an bet all the money in the entire world on them not really knowing what to do, let alone how to go about making the decision.
Is that selfish of me? Is it selfish to not want to help, not give a damn about this society, the world, because the examples in office and the "role model" boomers are pissing me off to such great extents that I am choosing hopelessness and laziness over growth and understanding? It is not so much selfishness as it is honesty inside of me admitting it is real, and I am paralyzed by focusing on their dysfunction and inability to give me a great example to default to. Drunks have been better role models for me so far than the "prestige" and "professionalism" baby boomers and millenials are putting forth.
Honesty I resent the society I live in, the racism, the prejudice, the lying, the thinking we are better than others, I resent it all! Honestly, if it were my show, I'd want to show the world if you're racist, prejudice, a liar, and arrogant, you die. That's the best I can do, which is completely wrong, because I have been racist, I have been prejudice, I have been a liar, and I am very, very arrogant. If I am honest, I would be a hypocrite if I didn't kill myself if that standard above was what I really believed in. So it comes full circle, I am the problem, not the world, not income, not society, not President Trump, not baby boomers, not millenials, none of them, it is only I when I am the problem.
In terms of resentment, what do I need to do honesty? I already saw that I must ask God to remove fear if I want to move on and live a happy and joy-filled life. The great information that comes from the even greater book Alcoholics Anonymous ask me to consider that we are all sick to a certain degree, and that I can choose to help rather than put down others or focus on their flaws. The book also asks me to see what I have in common with them when it comes to our defects or liabilities. For instance both me and Trump are die hard Americans who are both content with being Americans, to the point where if you're not American and you have a problem with America, you are a problem to us, and that is going to be a problem for you. I can say that confidently. Would God say that confidently though? Does in God I trust mean, demeaning and bullying other less powerful nations if they get resentful at how fluent and business savy we have built ourselves to be? Would a God see other nations as inferior if they aren't as talented or efficient as we are in such a short amount of time? No and No. God would not hate or threaten another nation for envying us, and God would not see other nations as weaker or worthy of destruction if they start talking shit out of resentment they can't control. It's lonely at the top, and the best are always hated first, so is it my job to start a war with something honestly jealous of how great I have been since Day One? It used to be, and I used to be very good at it, and still am. It was killing me though, and drinking being a part of it wasn't helping. I know that if I give up on my "jobs" and let God do the "job" everyone else will be great and powerful in my eyes, even though reality knows I am the shit, been the shit, and will always be the shit, as a Nation, forever.
Today I woke and said what can I do? Through a process of recovery and the help AA provides, I can now say, what do I not have to do that my mind is telling me I have to do, and ask God for no fear and the power to not hate anybody, including myself.
I know I don't have to chase money or be a slave to systems that capitalize on my neediness. I also know I don't have to impress others or act as if I am on the team when that same team is out to lunch reguarly. I know if others need help, I can ask for the willingness not to have a bad attitude about it. I also know God has no time quantity, his quantity is forever, we have portioned it off in days and hours, but in reality it is everlasting, has no boundary or frame, and I have no need spiritually to worry about it ever ending or missing out on something. God is everything.