I have a plan when it comes to cutting into debt, managing cost, expenses, and savings. Yesterday reality or God's plan, saw fit, to not meet the requirements of my self-will, self-sufficient, and self-reliant plan. Previously, I would have ranted, got drunk, then raved about how wrong that was, it would have been a volcano of negativity.
Something happened though, I simply was inspired spiritually through the hardship, of not meeting my financial number that day, with the quiet suggestion on the inside to "keep a good attitude about the misfortune."
After I decided, with the correct use of willpower, to keep a good attitude and not blow not getting my way into a huge out of proportioned scenario, I was then able to ask what was God trying to tell me? It came to me very clearly, and it was this simple, when it comes to all things money, I was giving all I got away, with a hidden agenda that it would control God to give me more. I was giving to recieve and not giving to give, and God saw fit, to not give me any more, to give away, knowing I was directing with an assumption and want to control him with an agenda of getting more. Blantant selfishness, in terms of defintion, run by a delusion, that it was all unselfish. Delusional unselfishness that couldn't be any more selfish.
I have known for a while now that greed was a big part of my reasoning when it comes to financial self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is the way of an atheist or non-believer however, and I am agnostic at best even though last night was a highlight in strengthening my believe that a higher power is real, and really invested in me creating solution when it comes to my anxiety over going broke, which if you add the figures up, I already am.
I then saw, after seeing that God was lessening my income for my own benefit, and has a long term fix for my short term money woes, that it will include humility as a leader and that major episodes of peace and understanding over chaos and pain are on the horizon. Most of my pain when it comes to attempts to manage my life, in this case financially, comes from not knowing, but still having to either compete or stay a float in society. Financial ignorance, mixed with pride from hurt racial relations, is what is driving the entitled attitude I have when it comes to all things money. It is that specific, and I am really glad I am seeing it needs to be specific and race is playing a major factor in this problem. Ignoring my faulty belief system, and the implications race has on it, is only catering to an insidious series of lies that makes the delusion everything is alright strong. Everything is not alright in my life, and me continuing to mange it is the problem, it's that simple.
It's ok I didn't manage income well in this case, and it was the right use of willpower to accept that as fact, and move on. I have evidence now that I don't manage income well, and that breaks through any denial or delusion that I can, currently, and it is no coincidence that God, when I pray, has asked me to take action that will bring on more spirituality and clarity, rather than take action that will bring on more wealth.
What good is wealth if I can't cleary see what I need to do with it? When spiritual, I can clearly see I need to build it to give it away or at least built it as a security for others going through tough times, it is all about giving to help those struggling or the poor when it comes to God's will for me and money. Just yesterday it was all about me pleasing others with money, and now I see that is completely wrong.
I couldn't see how beautiful Mark Zuckerberg's gift to his daughter was when he promised to give money to others, but now I get it, God's will is not for me to have more so I can feel comfort or like a boss, it is for me to have more from him, when doing the right things, so I can help others have more, it will never be about me having mine first when it is all said and done, or having an attitude of "screw them" when it comes to all of us. How can I stay alive, look myself in the mirror, and be a man if I am good with others being left out, when I know legitamately they are part of my union or base? How can I call myself a man if I am getting ther larger portion of the pie, knowing it is going to either decrease the happiness of my fellow man or harm that man's family finacially? I am not a man if I am interested or leading with that, so I will not feel secure, and I will make poor decision within that insecurity, even if I have billions in a bank account. Who cares if I have billions of cash but am so broke spiritually I cannot even decide to make another man secure with an act of will to erode his financial worry by giving him what is due as a human and from God? Who cares if I am a rich money throwing knowing it all asshole who can't lead and makes stupid decision and nobody has any love for? Do you think God wants me to be a money loving douche bag who nobody respects, takes seriously, and won't care about when I pass away? What good is all your money if when you die people won't go to your funeral? All you did in being "the man" when it comes to money is buy empty seats for your funeral. Your love of money made your last day, empty, both literally and figuratively (no pun intended.)
I feel so rich knowing God loves me so much he didn't allow my plan to go forward yesterday. Mathmatically, through logic, my plan would have put some dirt in the hole I am digging daily financially trying to manage in this "me first" financial system run by greed and racism in America.
You're a fool if you are still denying our system isn't harnessed by greed and racism, and who knows, maybe I will be the guy or help the guy who has the opportunity in the future to unharness those ills so they float away into a black hole never to be influential again? Maybe it will be a gal? Maybe America is destined to be a shit hole that can only operate in racism and greed? Tough to tell, but it isn't tough to tell God wants much better for me, and that is awesome to know.
All I know currently is I have seen it clearly, and I have been doing it all wrong, or shall I say my plan is all wrong, it is all driven by control, selfishness, greed, and too much inconsideration of others. I am too overly considerate of my interest and myself, to see clearly, there is a greater level of leadership existent that isn't driven by a "me first" attitude, of which, the me first, is driven by fear, so subtle, and so powerful, it convinces that person who commits to selfishness, it isn't there, it is a dark energy, that is parasidic, that convinces, and manages all decisions into the wrong directions.
Today I know I need not worry about money, and I need not make a lot of it, making a lot of it is triggering me to use it wrongly, I am thinking I am being blessed when I am working "hard" and earning, but I am really just being less of myself, to earn more, and if I keep that up, eventually I am going to be like one of those lost superstars who was a sell out so much, they literally became a different person, abandoning their God given character to the spirit of money, that just simply won't get the job done of living the best life possible.
I am so grateful that I am seeing all of this clearly, and it took a misfortunate event to know I have the courage, decision making power, and clarity to choose to have a good attitude about not being able to be a boss with money. I blow it, throw it, spend it, and think I am so great, and that it will always come, but I know have the record and history to understand that God's power, and authority, has the ability to make it stop forever, and to keep me broke forever, and me thinking I "get it" or that I am so great I "make it" is a lie. Anything I am giving and getting comes from God, and if I don't respect that, and think I am greater, like I have some input on what is debited out of his unlimited account, I am no better than a racist, greedy, entitled gentlemen or lady who thinks they have the power to manipulate others currencies, or fix a price, or change a law to make their incomes more to brag about.
Words cannot explain what I felt last night, even though I am trying to do so, it was awesome to have a good attitude and be part of something, and that part of something is part of a large faction of Americans who have such high cost and such low opportunties, anxiety is sure to arrive, and to know there is actually a God out there, with major sanity, working and here to help, was such a gift no amount of money could have penetrated last night, fundamentally, although it does seem to have that power for me psychologically.
I really saw last night, it is never about the money. Anyone preaching it is, was simply ignorant I see before. Now I must pray to not be frigtened when an ignorant person wants to give me advice on how to "handle" financial hardship, because those "know it all's" are so dangerous, if listened to without questioning their motives and ambitions. If the goal is to get more, just because their selves want more, it is wrong, but if the goal is to get more, so more can be given, and responsbility can be embraced to help others, I need to be all ears. If the goal it to get more so you can be more "comfortable" and that feeds on a "us against them" agenda, it is immature and wrong, but more so ignorant and not spiritual enough, but if the goal is to help others with less anxiety, and more power when it comes to not having stress or hardship, I am seriously interested in that. An unselfish interest is a profitable interest for all parties involved.