i went to aa meeting lat night as i didnt go to ne 4 a week as i was on holiday, i was sitting in the meeting and suddnely the shame and guilt knowing i picked up a drink , i walked out the meeting, i felt i let every1 down n myself down,and i got on the bus n i drunk 3 litres of cider, i was sick violently but i jus carried on drinking, i just wanted to block out everything, i lost contol of my bladder and i pissed everywhere, i tried 2 walk home but i collaspsed on the floor, with every1 staring down at me as if i was a animal,i stunk, lying in my own urine n vomit, i feel sick inside even writing this coz im ashamed,im ashamed that after i did so well i ended up with a drink in my hand again,my heads a mess n im baffled, wen i was on holiday i was drinking vodka like water and i was never sick and wen i came back n i drunk cider i jus cudnt stop vomitting,wen i woke up this morning my head was spinning but inside i felt beaten,i thought if i drunk this time things wud b different but no the more i relapse now the more it hard to put the bottle down and i have had enough,i feel like im dying inside,im not knockin aa at all as i do believe aa is keeping me sober, its my lifeline right now, i cant beat this on my own, ive tried and each time ive failed,i need to get back to meetings and work the program properly coz if i dont i will drink again even if i dont want to, some one sed to me how we can we b powerless overless over alcohol, we have a choice to drink or not to drink right? but i disagree because sumtimes our choices to drink our out of our control, i know that im powerless over booze ive know n 4 a long time i just didnt want to do anything about it coz i didnt want to let go of the booze, it was the only thing that helped me escape but i lose control of myself in every way,drink to me is poison and im finished with it i really am.
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