Yesterday I didn't make any money, and was able to have a decent atttiude about it, instead of getting drunk, then giving up.
Today was the same old story, willing to work, wanted to work, but no opportunity to do so, equaling no money made for the second day in a row. All of this is happening inside a cost and expense demand greater than I've ever been able to accomodate, and frankly I am not going to meet my financial obligations going forward if nothing changes.
I was asking myself what I was thinking, why was it such a big deal? The answers were I was filled with anger that I got screwed, was also filled with uncontrollable self-pity, was being dishonest that things didn't need to change, and have a huge fear that everything I've worked hard for will leave, and I'll be that loser again nobody can stand to be around.
Something on the inside did change though, and it was a clarity that God was real, and that God could solve the problems of no opportunity, a self-interested authority picking and choosing when I earn, and me really hurting on the inside from it all. I clearly saw that my decisions and judgment is not of a substance that could solve or provide security financially. Pretty big statement, but I believe it, and just admitting it is helping greatly with the fear.
Not respecting the people who could care less if I eat over their interests being fulfilled, and then some, is helping with the anger, I don't have to fight with them or compete with them, and it is alright to ignore and not want anything to do with them. Me thinking it is the "right thing to do" by respecting people who believe it is ok for me to be financially insecure, when they had the power to make the opposite a reality, is dishonest, and anyone in their right mind, who was doing the right thing, while others did the wrong things to earn more, taking away from my right way of doing things, is simply someone not worth respecting, it is sound for me to not respect someone who is cool with me being broke and stressed out, after doing the right things, while they relax, making what I made, doing the wrong things. Those people need to be disrespected. Any law of merit would disrespect and dishonor those people.
So as a recap, to deal with life's terms, it's important for me to understand and remember that accepting I hadn't the mind to effectively secure a financial means free of anxiety or worry helps with the fear, and opens the door to a faith that God does and will send people my way who can and want to help. That is going to take a time frame to get me away from the problem agents who are fine with doing the wrong things, for a quick cash grab. Patience and humility will be needed in that time frame, to tolerate those agents who I see no bright future for, misery lovers that feed off other miserable entities. Eliminating the fear will take acceptance, patience, and humility. I must pray for acceptance, patience, and humility at the end of the day from here on out. Knowing cleary that the people who are choosing to be adversarial, seeing hate of me as a better remedy than love, only need to be seen as people only asking for disrespect indirectly, too stupid to understand their behavior will only encourage sound men and women to with no shame disrespect them, helps greatly with the resentment. I have to be honest and admit I have no energy or willingness to pray for an asshole or a idiot who hates me for no good reason, and thinks they can treat others unfairly with no consequence or reaction from either that source or a reaction. I need to keep the honesty up, even if people do not want to hear it, but I also need to remember that brutal honesty is no better than a lie, both hurt and harm, so it is important for me to remember all of this for this reason. There is a real fear, that I will drink, over this specific life problem, of not being able to pay bills.
I saw all of this, and I write so much, because I have one goal in this life, and that is to not drink, and the lack of opportunity, the poor leadership, the selfishness of others, is threatening my sobriety.
it is threatening it so much I don't have the power to know God knows, because my resentment, my fear, my inconsiderations, and my shame and guilt is blocking the truth from occuring in my head.
No human power is helping, and in fact, humans are causing the problems! How do you love people who are causing problems, not helping with not drinking, and are not being disciplined or corrected for it?
I am seeking God's will by going to meetings, reading the literature, and working with others more.