I'm new to the group. 45 years old and happily married for 15 yrs. I drink 2 bottles of wine every day after work within about 2 hrs and 4-5 per day on weekends. Also drink a lot of vodka as well.Have drank heavily for about 10 years but getting worse, especially over the last year or two. I never used to miss any work as an RN for 20 years and prided myself on being a functioning alcoholic. This last year I've missed a lot of work, not being hung over or sick, but calling in because I don't feel like "being a person today" if that makes any sense. I'll say I have stomach flu, call out for 1-3 days and just drink all day. I've even gone to urgent care faking illness for the days I've drank just to get work note, which costs me $300 each time cuz we have a high deductible. I've known I need help for several years. I'm a staunch atheist and the 12 steps programs kind of offend me as far as the higher power. I tried a higher power being the universe or science but didn't really work. Also, the only person I feel I could make amends to is myself. Ive never cheated on anyone, broke any laws, hurt anyone personally. My family is across the country and not really aware of what is going on. My husband also drinks very heavily so we don't get into arguments about alcohol. And we don't have kids, so I'm not neglecting anyone.He's the social get super hammered nightly with his friends while watching sports kind and I'm the stay at home in the dark watching tv drunk. I've never had a traumatic life experience to blame for my drinking so when i think of counseling I don't think it pertains to me. I've never drank before work, or risked hurting patients. But am getting fairly shaky and very anxious in the ams. I went to one doctor a couple years ago and she was very judgemental. Made me feel like a piece of shit. To the point I thought she'd call my place of employment. She worked in the same healthcare system in NC/SC as me.Said I needed inpatient treatment which would mean I'd never work as an RN again. I know I need to do something but not sure what a good fit for me would be. Can't even take FMLA cuz the doctors office I work for would have all of my coworkers aware of my issue. A mouse can't fart in that place without 40 people knowing every detail of it. Plus since I've been seen by that doctor in the same "system" as I work, my coworkers could very easily pull up my chart from a different office. I know that's illegal but that shit still happens. Looking for a program or support without a higher power and without missing work. Another md recommended the shot, but down here it's $1500 per month an not covered by my insurance. I have accidentally injured myself multiple times such as passing out and hitting my face on sink when my husband has been out of town and giving myself black eyes and lacerations on other parts of my body. Each time I thought it would be the straw that broke the camels back, but apparently not. Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated.