well i walked out of aa bout 2 months ago and i havent stopped drinkning since,the reason i walked away from aa was because i jus didnt get the 12 steps i didnt get the higher power stuff, i weasnt honest with my sponsor and i relaspsed and i havent being back since but summit was working, i cant put my finger on it but summit made me realize that aa was the place for meand deep down i know go back but i jus cant find my way back to the rooms,ive bein to occasional ones here and there, i recently did a chair and i was a hypocrite, i wasnt even sober wen i did the chair i jus wanted to please my old sponsor and i jus made a idiot of myself,i have being in rehab for 2months now and im on the verge of walking out of there too,its very intense and its painful coz now im underlying the reason why i drunk for so many years and its bloody hard coz my emotions are everywhere, i got in a relationship with a guy in rehab and it went all wrong, we jus destroyed each other, we dragged each other down and we both drunk n used together and ive realised that i can stop but i dont know if i can ever stay stopped and maybe i shud jus walk away from recoverycoz its too painful, its got to the stage where i cant live with or without alcohol anymore, wen i think bout life without alcohol its a scary place to b in, coz for years i have escaped alll my feelings and emotions thru a bottle and ive come to the conclusion that alcohol has stooped working for me so i use drugs to try and get the same effect that alcohol did to me but all it does is sinks me lower into this black hole, im at this jumping point and i jus dont know wat to do any more,im 21 years old n i dont think il ever b able to drink normally again, im so young i shudnt b doing thru this i shu b happpy n enjoying life but instead im jus a drunk who cant deal with life, maybe i shud jus give up and carry on drinknig wats the point of changing , to everyone im jus a label who went to priosn and messed up her life, but i know if i walk out this rehab i may aswell say goodbye to a new way of life. i just dont know which way to turn anymore i really dont
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