Its been hard for me to accept that I may have an alcohol problem, because I dont drink every day. I dont drink that often actually NOW, but its when i drink...the things that happen. I have always had an addictive and extreme personality. I can either be really good, or really bad, there is no in between. I have felt very lonely most of my life. My parents were gone due to their jobs and we moved so much I could never make friends, and when I did I had to leave them. It is very difficult for me to love myself or believe that I am loved. I have felt very undeserving, worthy, or incapable of being loved for a very long time. There were also some things that I did and that happened to me in high school that I cant get over. I drink and this entirely different person comes out. I black out almost every time i drink. I can be so fun to be around, and then i just snap....I can get violent. Most of the time though my anger turns toward my fiance. I guess that is because he is the man in my life, and all the other men in my life have hurt me. I punish him for things they did or things im afraid he will do to me, and I know this is not fair. The fact that I think he may have a problem with porn comes up a lot when I drink too. Im just so angry with men when i drink. Anyway I have been doing a lot lot better. until new years....it was the first time i had gotten drunk in months. We had a limo so i thought I would be ok from drinking and driving. At the end of the night I blacked out, and next thing I know I was on the side of the road, and I had wrecked my fiances car. I went to jail for 16 hours...my first time ever in jail. This incident wasnt due to any fights. with my fiance..apparently I just wanted to go home. THANK GOD that no one was hurt, including myself. I know now that I need help whether I drink every day or just occasionally. It effects my life greatly when I drink, and I hurt people I care about.
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