When alcohol beats you down bad enough you will come to believe anything.

I'd rather find " before I "belive anything" but thanks
Conection" but Thx

From my experience, UNTIL I accepted the fact who I was and didn't want to hurt anymore and took direction by surrendering to self and living the 12 steps to the best of my ability on a daily basis, I could relate to what you are saying.

when i first tried praying.. i felt silly too. I was expecting some kind of feeling or emotion or ?????..i just didn't know..

Whta I have come to learn through reading Spiritual Experience ans We Agnostics in the AA "big book" is that,, i m not God and He does not present direct answers to my prayers usually..
Whta i learned to do, was just get in the habit of requesting help from Him to give me "the pause" before my mouth shot off ..or i made some kind of rash decision..
If i had a day without strife and no booze.. i just said Thank You God..see You in the morning..

My first sponsor also told me..i should NOT expect a "conscious contact" with God , in my case, since i was only at step 2 and had HUGE resistance towards any religous rituals..
He told me. that whn i had completed the first 9 steps,, i would definately feel a connection ..he was right..
I do have a connection that is as present as electricity is in my living room.

Take care Les..
and God bless

botbotcoco
www.londonppbbs.com

I was raised in a very religeous and very hypocritical family. While I knew I could no longer drink I had absolutely no use for God when I first came to AA. I refused to say the closing prayer at meetings but I felt a calm during that prayer that stayed with me. It was the moment of clarity that allowed me to feel God. For me it was a definite knowing - and frankly I am not sure how to explain it. You don't have to use the word "God" - you don't have to believe in God to go to meetings. He/she/it is there anyway and at some point you may feel the presence or you may not. But please do not let "God" keep you from meetings.

I know an agnostic in my group who has 40 years, another 30 years, another 14 years. (I'm an agnostic too, but I can't claim any longevity prize -- I blew 11 years away (now have 5 months). But then plenty of religious people have blown 11 years and longer and shorter.)

Anyway, you don't have to believe in a deity. I think of the group and the wisdom of others as higher powers, as do the other agnostics mentioned above.

I've been to many many A.A. meetings and I sometimes have felt the need to say I'm an agnostic when discussing something like Step 3 or 11, and then I say what the step means to me, and I have never, ever been even in the least criticized or even suggested that having the Group as a higher power wasn't good enough.

By the way, most atheists / agnostics / non-theists find the "We Agnostics" chapter in the Big Book (chapter 4) to be especially demeaning to us, saying that we have not yet matured spiritually and that we're "vain" and "fooling ourselves". We respectfully disagree. We think he is a bit "vain" and "fooling himself" that his opinion on these matters is the right one. At least I don't smoke let alone smoke myself literally to death, have mistresses, or drop acid like the author of that chapter did in his "sober" years, and neither do any of the agnostics I know. Take what you like and leave the rest.

You might check if there are any Agnostic A.A. groups in your area -- besides being a refuge to those who find A.A. literature and most groups to be too religious -- it is often a place where those who find most A.A. groups to be too rigid and dogmatic go to.
http://www.agnosticaa.org/

You might explore alternatives to A.A.
http://members.aol.com/r2135/alternat.htm

Myself, I go to an Agnostic A.A. group, a non-A.A. addiction recovery group (its one of a kind, not part of any national organization), and one regular A.A. group that is relatively dogma-free and particularly careful to respect all varieties of belief and non-belief.