From the big book of AA. "Those who do not recover are people who can not or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves". I started using and drinknig at 13, way back in 1970. A couple of years after my dad was shot (murdered) in a alcohol related incident. In my centeral Ca. city the hippie crap was way gone. But my goal was too live the sex, drugs/alcohol, rock&roll lifestyle. But I did not want to be in a band. No talent was a hitch. But the rest sounded great. So with the booze, in those days, came with the LSD, PCP (Angel dust), $10 four finger lids of smoke. The speed and downers (bullets Lilly F-40's), freaking everything! By 19 I'm living in bars. I'm 6'4'' with beard and fake ID. I learned that was going to be my career. Everything was there. By 1978 my first DUI. That came with a court card and AA. Not for me! At 28, with a huge alcohol and cocaine addiction I knew I was in trouble and crossed the line from bad party boy to a full blown alcoholic/addict. With it came all the drama, crap and now shakes. The last thing you want too do is drink, but have too. Into AA I go on my own. This around 1987. Since that time I have been evey type of drunk you can be. A blackout drinker. A casual drinker. A binge drinker. From Alpha to Omega. Been strapped down in severe DT's, more then once. Why after 29 years don't I get it. Been through many sponcers and all the steps many times. I have lost many close friends because of this disease. Also my only child as a baby from SIDS. Reality was benzo withdrawl. And he big hurt my best friend and soulmate Stacey, my wife. After a accidental overdose in 2004. I started going to a church shortly after and surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. I have always believed in God, that has never been a problem. All this and I can't stay sober. I have got months and even a year or two at a time sober. But I always fall. I do have severe psych issues. There is no doubt I broke my brain over decades of abuse. Also Hep C since I was 15. No they didn't call it that then. I have been blessed and a miracle to be alive. After a life time of abuse, being shot, stabbed, Od's, Dt's, still here. I really have no clue. Really close to do a leaving Las Vegas thing. It seems there is no other way. I'm not whining or on a pity pot. Just tired of being alone and wanting to kill the pain,
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