and a good amount of activity in this group lately. Great to see we are not "well."
Man o'man, where to begin? I am an alcoholic, who when decides to take a first drink, experience a craving beyond my control, that others do not understand unless they experience the same thing, and then I mentally obsess about my next drink whether it be in five minutes or in five years.
I can remember living pay check to pay check, getting paid ever other friday, and on the Tuesday prior, like clockwork, the wheels would start churning on what liquor I would buy, how I would buy it, etc. Not to mention, I wouldn't be thinking of how I was going to pay this bill, or chip away at this debt, or buy this food, or put gas in the vehicle, no, all of that took a backseat to how I was going to get beer, whiskey, and any other liquor that popped into my head like clockwork on Tuesdays. Needless to say, Friday always ended up in disaster, something in the house was broken on Saturday, usually something made out of glass, my neighbors probably heard me self-lecturing myself like I still do today, just minus the alcohol, and it was just such a nightmare.
I also had such little hope, if any, that I thought this was my sentencing, and that God was only keeping me alive to drink, I certainly didn't think he was part of my solution, and thought I was just being tolerated so he could show others mercy and not killing idiots who cannot manage is the right thing.
Disabling hopelessness and negativity was a constant, no opportunities, human powers had nothing to do with me, they all had much better things to do than help, it was such a dark time. When I didn't have the money to drink, I got very psychotic, very aggravated, extremely frustrated, and was terrible to be around. I remember many days and nights where I was so incapacitated with worry, negativity cyclical with a constant flow of pessimism and anxiety that I would wait by the phone for someone to call and hopefully have some beer, liquor, or drugs. It really hurt me psychologically and I don't believe that half a decade will ever fully right itself from here on out. The damage that isolation and constant experience of me just sitting, and thinking, with no recovery in my life, and no mobility to help others or be unselfish, I now see will always be a part of me. God's work might have me wash away that brutal experience I cannot really ever describe to others, beside just simply evil, but I have to be grateful for opportunity now, and always remember I need to do anything never to subconciously gravitate into that existence again, a nightmarish existence where it is just me, thinking in a manner that has not been influenced by spiritual principles, and is dark, deep, and very unenjoyable.
So I make it a duty of mines to pray, go to meetings, read the awesome big book and other literatures of AA, talk to other alcoholics as much as possible, and do the right things, like be unselfish sometimes to a fault, and love others unconditionally but with reasonble expectations.
Yesterday my spirit was at a point where I could tell a woman who is married, with children, with her husband, is giving up on the relationship. Do I want to be the guy who adds to the problem or do I want to be a man who is helping them have a love that grows stronger for each other? I know I am much more interested in the latter, even though my basic instinct is to "answer when I am called" in these episodes. What episodes? The episodes of women, seeing me as an escape, but then seeing me as someone who traps others into believing he is something he is not, and then breaking a heart or creating such a disturbing experience it alters life going forward.
Yesterday, out of the blue, my co-worker and I were talking old high school flings or opportunities in high school we "missed out on." Like guys do we were mainly talking about the physical charactertistics of the women, and both googled out crushes to try to one up each other as if women are trophies or something to be paraded around as a symbol of being better than. Which by the way is very sick I am learning. It was an amazing experience after that, I was able to accept that I had ruined a young ladies life in regards to her being hopeless after taking an interest in me. I saw that I have had so much shame an guilt over that, and the role I played in that, that I have never forgiven myself, and cannot. I can however, accept that I am "that guy", that guy that is so selfish others end up being harmed down the line, after I have used them to build more for myself.
I saw that I had been cutting myself off from dating or even being with another due to blaming myself for not giving that young lady what she wanted and what I thought she deserved, which was what she wanted. I never thought that she might not be smart enough to know how defective I would end up making her out to be, and the seperation or ability for her to see who I really was happened towards the end, but she accepted it, and I think I just got over it last night. I have hated myself for decades directly because of that, and I say all of this for the newcomer to plead that we get specific in the things bothering us.
I do not get my way often, and that is the problem, but not me not getting my way, but that I think I need to. It's more than a thought, it's an actual belief system, that is rooted in ignorance, I like a fool, think all ways should include me getting my way all the time!
Praying, going to meetings, talking with a sponsor, reading the big book, all daily, then combining that with a strict agenda of others first, allows me to see it's much greater if I don't always get my way. If I think I am to get my way all the time I shouldn't have a problem with getting what I deserve, and for most of us that is not a party or rewards.
Today I am sick, but I still have things to do, this world waits for no one, it just keeps going and it is a huge turnoff, ironically. God waits for me to "get it" though, and if I continue to work hard, knowing my primary purpose is to be sober and help others, things get much simpler and able to manage.