Why am I even writing in this journal? I'm drinking right now. I swore I wouldn't do it again tonight after a week-long binge, but come 6pm, my gagging had to have a quick fix. I want out of this mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired of living this way. I'm losing everything that ever meant anything to me at all...including my sanity. Detox is not an option at this time. Can you believe I'm a nanny? She has had the baby at her parents already for her own personal reasons for a week. There is no way I could tell her, after my previous episode, that I just have to have some help. I am about to lose my husband, one of my kids has already left (14 yrs old and joint custody...nothing I can do about it) and the other kid that is still with me has such low self esteem (and smoking on top of asthma) that I could absolutely kill us both if I weren't so scared of "knashing of teeth, snakes, and demons of hell"
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