iv posted a hell of alot of posts n each 1 i meant with the bottom of my heart, im 22 yrs oldturned 22 in may jus gone n i feel my life is completely stopped, its like im lookin in at every1 living life, doing ordinary things,i see every young person going into nigte clubs n theres me coming back from a AA meeting full of anger, pain, biterness, trying to think how i can get my next damn drink or scared il have none for the next day, n having to drink coffee all day, im sick of the stuff, having to get thru a day scared il run out of a cancer stick, pestering my mum for money , n wen i dont get it , i take all my anger on her, in fact i take it out on every1 bus drivers ppl jus walkin past who dont even know me,im tired of constantly lying n stealing my way thru each day, im sick of waking up dreading wat the day has in store for me, im sick of feeling this lonieless, im sick of how my life is, but i end up going back to the only thing i know best n thats ALCOHOL,if i dont do these steps soon im goinga wake up wen im bout 40 n still feeling the same like i do now, but only worser coz my head will probably b completely fucked, it already is, half the time im in my head,i have no juob im wat ya call a bum who pounces off every1, i mix with ppl who drink n use n i dont remeber how i ever met them, i wish i didnt coz in a way i blame them for gettin me into drugs mainly butt hen again i choose to, 1 day at 17 i jus stood at a train station, i got introduced to a woman who drunk alot n BANG , THERES me lookin baCK remembering how i drunk cheap cider n living a dishonest life, but it goes back b4 that i was probably a alcoholic before i met them,16 i was with my first boyfriend , we both drunk every day n nite, a guy who i never really got over, i remeber him taking me out to restraunts,n buying me flowers every weekend, it wat a girl always wanted right? to b swept off her feet? y did i treat him bad, i pushed him away,, i judged him, n i lost him to another girl,my mum always sees him n says how well he is, i pass my old school n memories come back to me how much my schoollife affected me, n how lonely i was as a kid, i felt lonieless before, but never knew it, at school wen kids were playing skipping or hopscotch, i jus remeber me as a kid sitting on the bench watchin how happy hey was, god i tried so hard to mkae friends, but i tried too hard i think , i tried to impress them or do odd things jus to make ppl laugh, but they were only laughing at me not with me,how i wish i cud turn back those times, coz if i cud id change everytihng, my outlook on life, my attitude,but i cant can i? iv always being greedy, selfish rite from a lil girl, wen my dad wud buy a chinese n i wudnt share nothing, i always wanted MY bit, never mind ne1 else,maybe thats y im so angry now n selfish now coz its all i know, n i really dont wana b selfish i hate it, it isnt the drink thats the problem, its my past, everyday i live my past, coz this lonieness reminds me of wen i was kid, but its much worser coz i drink to block it out, i remember wen i was young i wud lock myself in my room n literally pull my hair out, even in prison i remeber feeling lonieness,but tried to put on this 'hard image' wen deep down i was scared as hell,its all come back to me n the pain is killin me, im not happy, infact i live in misery everyday, n its depressing,sumtimes wen im at home i put on this fake smile n be happy in front of my family but its a lie , actually my whole life has being 1 big lie.wen u read this u mite think how pathetic it sounds n how i shud jus work the steps but i cant do it,i desparately want to n thats the truth, but iv thrown in the towel to LIFE,but each day i still get up, i still manage to get a shower, i still get to a meetin even wen i dont listen,n i jus dont understand that
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