help me with the first step. for some insane reason I keep forgetting that I cannot ever drink one drink ever again. I am an alcoholic and it will only make me sick and depressed and do psychotic stupid things and the list goes on and on. for years I think i've been struggling with that and I thought I've done the first step and know that I'm an alcoholic etc but then why do I keep drinking? Apparently I haven't REALLY accepted it or something. As insane as it is and as long as I've been doing this, you'd think I'd know by now I can't drink like a normal person. I do know it but knowing and accepting....well, I now believe I have accepted if I still drink. I mean, I'll still get it into my head, I'll just have so many and wont be that hungover, it'll be ok this time. I don't know, it's crazy. I don't ever want to drink again, I can't drink. but then, as I just stated that, there's something in my head, saying I'm not sure if that's true. Maybe I do want to drink but know I shouldn't, maybe I know that I can't drink normally but pretend that I can. It's confusing. so many horrible things, so many stupid things, horrible hangover, dui's, hospital stays, wanting to die, having no life, the list goes on and on why I shouldnt' and can't drink. But then I find myself at the beer store without a thought. some people say you have to hit bottom but damn I thought I hit bottom a million times already, some really horrible experiences and swearing to God never to drink again, don't want to, can't take it anymore and so on, then there I go drinking once again. How do I get that first step through my head? How will it keep me sober?
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