So.....slipped AGAIN on Friday night and then Sunday the guy who gave me a lift to and from a meeting in the town just over from me made a pass at me as he was dropping me off home. He put his arm round me and tried to kiss me and his other hand was rubbing my leg. I fucking shit myself. I trusted this guy because he is my friend's husband and they say they have a lot of sober and clean time between them and I can't tell his wife as she is the leader of the Wednesday night group I was going to. I am not going back to AA again now for love nor money. This is the 2nd time this has happened to me because it also happened 3 years ago when I tried AA the first time. So then I slipped Monday night as well. I threatened to bash my blokes head in with a rolling pin Friday night and also Monday night because I was wrongly believing he hurt me and my kids. Monday night my bloke rang the police and they carted me off and I spent the night in a cell to cool off. Got let off with a caution but the psychiatrist who saw me at the cop shop said I had had a psychotic break caused by the alcohol. I started believing the worst of my bloke after breaking down in my Monday night meeting last week. I was extremely paranoid and projecting a lot of my own crap onto him. In my psychosis I honestly believed he was a paedophile and a wife beater. Just goes to show how sick I am. Because he is none of those things. Even if we abused each other in booze years ago it doesn't happen now. And he certainly never touched my kids. I'm so glad I didn't actually hit him with the rolling pin now. I could have killed him and be paying for it for the rest of my life. A very close call indeed.
So now I'm going to try SMART recovery through the local drug and alcohol team. I've heard good things about it and in fact one of my former friends from school worked that program after trying AA himself and not getting on with it and now he is a year and a half sober and very happy in his life now. I do wholely accept I am an alcoholic. And I need help with it. Apparently there are women only groups in this SMART recovery thing. I really think I need that after my experience Sunday night. I'm a vulnerable woman and its not safe for me at this stage in my recovery to be around sick blokes. I should never have talked about being an incest survivor. Its like giving some blokes the green light to abuse me. Ugh. Not doing THAT again.
So there you go folks. I gave AA a fair old crack of the whip and its not for me after all. That's not to say I didn't get anything out of it because I mostly certainly did. But it all seems a bit cultish to me. Its all too happy clappy and oh let's get high on God instead of booze peeps. I also have a really hard time handing my life and will over to God. I don't doubt He/She/They exist but didn't They give us free will? I have the power to choose. Therefore I can choose not to have that first drink just for today. Because I have learned its the first drink that gets you hammered not the 9th or 10th. And going to AA broke the cycle of me drinking every day. I have now only drank 7 times in the space of 30 days. However I recognize that when I do drink its in an alcoholic way. I can't just have 1 or 2 drinks I have to drink til I'm passed out. And after my psychotic break this last week I now know I can't get away with drinking at all. Lesson learnt in a BIG way.
As for forgetting and forgiving the past I'm really not there yet. Theres just too much there I haven't properly dealt with in my own past let alone my kids' pasts as well. I need proper help with that and I'm not going to get it if I don't follow some kind of program and get and stay sober for at least 6 months. I will be tested by urinalysis to prove my sobriety as well, the shrink told me that last week. She also told me to keep going to AA and look how that worked out. She really wasn't very helpful at all and judged me for my slips the previous week and told me it was the booze making me anxious nothing else. In other words she completely ignored my PTSD diagnosis. She even denied saying she could get me into group therapy for the anxiety the week before and denied saying she could help me sort my meds out. She then said she wouldn't be seeing me again as she is leaving the service. And to top it all she looked really bored and disinterested when I was telling her about my fears regarding my kids and my partner. In fact it was like she couldn't wait to get rid of me. I didn't even have the full 50 minutes with her. I was only there about half an hour. So much for being honest. All it does is get you judged and any help previously offered is taken off the table to punish you. Oh well that's the NHS in the UK for you. Bloody useless.
So there you have it. Any comments and support most welcome.
Cheers for the vent space peeps.
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