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We've all heard this word. What is your definition of this word? How do you feel it plays out in your relationship with the addict? How does codependency hinder our ability to maintain a healthy relationship? Any personal experiences to share about how codependency has affected your life or the life of those around you?
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Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...
I'm not usually getting out of my way to "help" others, so that definition does not really apply to me... When I do something, I do it because I want to, not because someone wants me to.
In my case, codependency is more about words. I'm refraining from talking my mind because I fear to hurt others, so now I hurt myself with those unspoken words. It's a dependency over other people's thought and feelings.
My resolution for this year was about that. One time out of two, I'll answer truthfully to direct questions (for example: what are you thinking about? Is there something you want to tell me?). One time out of four, I'll answer indirect questions (when the situation requires me to speak my mind...).
Last year, it was 1 time out of 5 for the first, and 2 times out of 7 for the second, before, It was near of zero.
I learned to stop getting out of my way for others that way, and I'll overcome my fear of speaking the truth the same way, step by step...
That was for the definition. How does that affect my relationships with the addicts?
They sure feel I'm very comprehensive, aka, that since I say nothing, things are all right. But they are not. Addicts won't get the hint, if things are not plain and clear right in front of their faces, they don't see it. The time I spoke to my boyfriend, when he was taking cocaine in the washroom*, I had to gather all my courage to do so, and the discussion was worth it. but most of the time, I can't gather that courage; things just linger and the situation never ends.
In a healty relationship we give and receive in equal parts. When I don't speak my mind, things get off balance. I'm losing more than I get. My bad communication habit destroyed my first relationship. this dependence over other's thought and feelings could just make any relationships unhealthy...
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* as usual, on mondays, I went to see it. It was the first time I saw him using. He said, I just finish what I have left. after a while, getting out of the bathroom, he dressed telling me he'd just get some air to get down. Of course, he came with more... When he got out of the bathroom, I intercepted him, telling him, if he goes, I wouldn't be there when he came back. I've let him come down and told him what I had to...
Its heartwrenching to watch the person you love more than anything destroy themselves. I was always watching him, taking care of him, worrying about him, that I stopped taking care of myself. Ive bailed him out of jail, Ive watched him almost kill himself in 2 car accidents and Ive bandaged his gunshot wounds (military related, not alcohol on that one) He led me to believe he wasnt strong enough to take care of himself and it was my job to do it. He used to tell me to "keep him straight and keep himhonest" When I think back to it all now its ABSURD! And i did just that until I couldnt take it anymore.
Now that im taking care of me and have detached I can see how the relationship should have been give and take, 50/50 instead, I was the giver and he was the taker. I have boundaries now and stick to them. Before I would have bled for that man. I was a walking talking doormat always trying to please him. No more. And its much better this way.
I wish it answers the question...
In brief, I take one point I want to improve, I analyse it, rationalise it, and work through it by setting realistic goals.
I just take it one step at a time.
I set a target and don't loose sight of it. At the beginning, I try to hold to what I told myself, though it is hard. When my bf asks me what I'm thinking about, my first reflex is to say "nothing important", "school" or "i love you" instead of "I'm wondering if it would be better to leave you", "I think you did fall back" or anything else that is the truth. More and more, I fight that reflex and I'll soon achive my goal of one time out of two...
The step I did to overcome my problems with refusing to say no.
First step: analyse
I analysed myself, and I found where that tendency to always accept to help others came from.
Knowing the source (how did I began to act like that?) doesn't make the problem go, but at least I know what I'm fighting.
Second step: rationalise
I had trouble saying "no" for I feared I'd disappoint the others. I also was happy that they asked because that meant I was worth someting. I figured that saying no might disapoint others, but still, the fact is that they'd still have asked the question.
third step: act.
I first decided to say no to anything that I couldn't really do, instead of taking on my sleep to hold my word, on money I needed for things I planned to buy, in one word, to say no whenever I wanted to. That proved impossible to do. My pattern was to say yes to everything. I just couldn't do it.
So I decided that instead of trying to always say no, to try to achieve doing it half of the time. I took me almost one year to achive that goal. At the very beggining, I felt selfish, and guilty for saying no, I felt like shit, and wondered if it was worth it.
I rationalised again, this time writing down what I thought about.
People who are dear to me still love me if I say I can't.
If I disapoint them, at least I gain their respect by stating my point.
I'm no shit for saying no, I'm shit for always getting out of my way to help them.
If I'm selfish, it's my right, my obligation toward myself.
...
Everytime I felt bad for stating my point, I read the list I've made to give me strength.
Past the sixth month, I didn't need the list anymore.
Past the first year, I felt good when I said no because I had to.
Now, saying no has become natural. When I have to, I do, that's it. I learned not to lie on and wait for other's consideration, and that feels real good.
I've done the two first steps to learn to state my point. This time, I've set a realistic goal to achive on the third step. I remember the time I spoke to my bf, I felt bad for two weeks, even if he thanked me and told me numerous times I did the good thing.
Little by little, I'm winning that fight too, and I know that one day I'll be able to say what I have to, when I'll have to without feeling bad about it.
Keeping this goal in mind help me not to let go, to keep to the line of action I've set for myself.
ONCE I WAS GOING WITH A GUY..WHEN HIS MOM MET ME SHE SAID, 'TAKE CARE OF ____'. AT THE TIME I THOT, BUT DIDN'T SAY, 'NO, HE'S AN ADULT. I DON'T TAKE CARE OF ADULTS. I TAKE CARE OF CHILDREN.' AT THE TIME I 'THOT' WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? DIDN'T SHE DO HER JOB AND NOW SHE WANTS ME TO 'FIX' IT?
AN EXPRESSION I LIVE BY NOW IS 'U TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT U.' (DR. PHIL)
ALSO WHEN I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE I FIGURE, 'WELL, IT'S JUST MYOPINION'SO WHY BOTHER...
I ALSO WONDER IF BECUZ I'VE 'FOUND MY VOICE' THAT THAT'S WHY NO ONE CALLS OR COMES TO SEE ME INCLUDING FAMILY? I REALIZE EVERYONE IS BUSY BUT I WONDER. IS THERE A HAPPY MEDIUM WITH STATING UR OPINIONS?
I haven't believed that people will ever love me if they see the person that I really am. I don't really know why this is what I believed but it is.
So I made it my personal mission to pretend to be the type of person that I had to be to "deserve" their love. It was completely up to me what to tell people and not tell people. And in this way I thought that I had the power to decided whether or not any of my relationships were successful.
My codependency is just a weak and fearful way to attempt to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the people I care about the most.
It is was a matter of identifying the source and working to relearn my response and behavior in my life. The emotional freedom is amazing and so worth all the work it took.