I know that codependancy is usually the fact to forget about our needs and desires to focus on other's.
I'm not usually getting out of my way to "help" others, so that definition does not really apply to me... When I do something, I do it because I want to, not because someone wants me to.

In my case, codependency is more about words. I'm refraining from talking my mind because I fear to hurt others, so now I hurt myself with those unspoken words. It's a dependency over other people's thought and feelings.
My resolution for this year was about that. One time out of two, I'll answer truthfully to direct questions (for example: what are you thinking about? Is there something you want to tell me?). One time out of four, I'll answer indirect questions (when the situation requires me to speak my mind...).
Last year, it was 1 time out of 5 for the first, and 2 times out of 7 for the second, before, It was near of zero.

I learned to stop getting out of my way for others that way, and I'll overcome my fear of speaking the truth the same way, step by step...

That was for the definition. How does that affect my relationships with the addicts?
They sure feel I'm very comprehensive, aka, that since I say nothing, things are all right. But they are not. Addicts won't get the hint, if things are not plain and clear right in front of their faces, they don't see it. The time I spoke to my boyfriend, when he was taking cocaine in the washroom*, I had to gather all my courage to do so, and the discussion was worth it. but most of the time, I can't gather that courage; things just linger and the situation never ends.


In a healty relationship we give and receive in equal parts. When I don't speak my mind, things get off balance. I'm losing more than I get. My bad communication habit destroyed my first relationship. this dependence over other's thought and feelings could just make any relationships unhealthy...


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* as usual, on mondays, I went to see it. It was the first time I saw him using. He said, I just finish what I have left. after a while, getting out of the bathroom, he dressed telling me he'd just get some air to get down. Of course, he came with more... When he got out of the bathroom, I intercepted him, telling him, if he goes, I wouldn't be there when he came back. I've let him come down and told him what I had to...

Wow, I could write a book here on this very subject. A ew years back the "dry" drunk told me I was "codependant as shit" I remember looking at him and commenting back that he was out of his freaking mind. It took me leaving to finally see it. I was so unbelievably wrapped up in all of his shit and what he was doing that I completely lost myself in his disease..thereby creating my own.

Its heartwrenching to watch the person you love more than anything destroy themselves. I was always watching him, taking care of him, worrying about him, that I stopped taking care of myself. Ive bailed him out of jail, Ive watched him almost kill himself in 2 car accidents and Ive bandaged his gunshot wounds (military related, not alcohol on that one) He led me to believe he wasnt strong enough to take care of himself and it was my job to do it. He used to tell me to "keep him straight and keep himhonest" When I think back to it all now its ABSURD! And i did just that until I couldnt take it anymore.

Now that im taking care of me and have detached I can see how the relationship should have been give and take, 50/50 instead, I was the giver and he was the taker. I have boundaries now and stick to them. Before I would have bled for that man. I was a walking talking doormat always trying to please him. No more. And its much better this way.

Codependency involves ignoring our own needs, desires, voice, reason, logic, and sometimes physical and mental well being in lieu of taking care of 'others' namely the addicts in our lives. I call it 'extreme' love. I was wondering what others' are doing to overcome the tendency.

Codependency involves ignoring our own needs, desires, voice, reason, logic, and sometimes physical and mental well being in lieu of taking care of 'others' namely the addicts in our lives. I call it 'extreme' love. I was wondering what others' are doing to overcome the tendency.

Again a long post!
I wish it answers the question...

In brief, I take one point I want to improve, I analyse it, rationalise it, and work through it by setting realistic goals.
I just take it one step at a time.


I set a target and don't loose sight of it. At the beginning, I try to hold to what I told myself, though it is hard. When my bf asks me what I'm thinking about, my first reflex is to say "nothing important", "school" or "i love you" instead of "I'm wondering if it would be better to leave you", "I think you did fall back" or anything else that is the truth. More and more, I fight that reflex and I'll soon achive my goal of one time out of two...

The step I did to overcome my problems with refusing to say no.

First step: analyse
I analysed myself, and I found where that tendency to always accept to help others came from.
Knowing the source (how did I began to act like that?) doesn't make the problem go, but at least I know what I'm fighting.

Second step: rationalise
I had trouble saying "no" for I feared I'd disappoint the others. I also was happy that they asked because that meant I was worth someting. I figured that saying no might disapoint others, but still, the fact is that they'd still have asked the question.

third step: act.
I first decided to say no to anything that I couldn't really do, instead of taking on my sleep to hold my word, on money I needed for things I planned to buy, in one word, to say no whenever I wanted to. That proved impossible to do. My pattern was to say yes to everything. I just couldn't do it.
So I decided that instead of trying to always say no, to try to achieve doing it half of the time. I took me almost one year to achive that goal. At the very beggining, I felt selfish, and guilty for saying no, I felt like shit, and wondered if it was worth it.

I rationalised again, this time writing down what I thought about.
People who are dear to me still love me if I say I can't.
If I disapoint them, at least I gain their respect by stating my point.
I'm no shit for saying no, I'm shit for always getting out of my way to help them.
If I'm selfish, it's my right, my obligation toward myself.
...
Everytime I felt bad for stating my point, I read the list I've made to give me strength.
Past the sixth month, I didn't need the list anymore.
Past the first year, I felt good when I said no because I had to.
Now, saying no has become natural. When I have to, I do, that's it. I learned not to lie on and wait for other's consideration, and that feels real good.

I've done the two first steps to learn to state my point. This time, I've set a realistic goal to achive on the third step. I remember the time I spoke to my bf, I felt bad for two weeks, even if he thanked me and told me numerous times I did the good thing.

Little by little, I'm winning that fight too, and I know that one day I'll be able to say what I have to, when I'll have to without feeling bad about it.
Keeping this goal in mind help me not to let go, to keep to the line of action I've set for myself.

Hi, I believe that codependency stems from fear and a need to control other people's action. This is my opininon and I don't wish to offend anyone. I used to disguise my "need to help or change others", by telling them what they should or shouldn't do out of what I thought was love...When in reality yes there was concern, but the focus became so intense on them that I lost all sight of who I was and what I needed. And I think it was my selfish need to to fix because of my fear. Just as the addict becomes addicted to the substance I became addicted to the addict out of my own fear and insecurities. This being said I was told years ago this simple slogan....MYOB Mind my own business. If I am fussing and worrying about someone else's issues and behaviors...MYOB. Look at the first step again. Am I turning things over to my HP? In this program I realize that I can not change anyone else but me. The focus needs to return to what can I do about me and how do I take better care of myself? Many wonderful things can happen as I turn my life over to my HP and try to find ways to become a better person. There are always things I can look at about myself and my life. This is still an ongoing struggle but one well worth working at. Also I have had to remember that other people have a higher power who loves them too. The older I get the more I realize how much I still need to learn...

I COULD WRITE VOILUMES BUT I WON'T. FOR ME, AND SOMEONE ENLIGHTEN ME IF I'M OFF BASE HERE, BUT I HAVE BEEN CO-DEPENDENT IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS DURING MY LIFE...NOT JUST WITH ADDICTS BUT WITH ALL MY DEALINGS WITH PEOPLE. IS BEING A 'PEOPLE-PLEASER' CO-DEPENDENT?

WHEN I WAS A KID I TOLD PEOPLE (PARENTS, TEACHERS) WHAT I THOT THEY WUD WANT TO HEAR, NOT WHAT I TRULY THOT OR WANTED SO I WOULDN'T GET SCOLDED OR PUNISHED FOR NOT THINKIJG THEY WAY THEY DID. NOW THAT ISN'T THE CASE.
ONCE I WAS GOING WITH A GUY..WHEN HIS MOM MET ME SHE SAID, 'TAKE CARE OF ____'. AT THE TIME I THOT, BUT DIDN'T SAY, 'NO, HE'S AN ADULT. I DON'T TAKE CARE OF ADULTS. I TAKE CARE OF CHILDREN.' AT THE TIME I 'THOT' WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? DIDN'T SHE DO HER JOB AND NOW SHE WANTS ME TO 'FIX' IT?
AN EXPRESSION I LIVE BY NOW IS 'U TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT U.' (DR. PHIL)

ALSO WHEN I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE I FIGURE, 'WELL, IT'S JUST MYOPINION'SO WHY BOTHER...

I ALSO WONDER IF BECUZ I'VE 'FOUND MY VOICE' THAT THAT'S WHY NO ONE CALLS OR COMES TO SEE ME INCLUDING FAMILY? I REALIZE EVERYONE IS BUSY BUT I WONDER. IS THERE A HAPPY MEDIUM WITH STATING UR OPINIONS?

My codependency is that I take responsibility for making other people love me. I lie and am decietful in order to recieve and keep love. well, that is what I am doing in my head.

I haven't believed that people will ever love me if they see the person that I really am. I don't really know why this is what I believed but it is.

So I made it my personal mission to pretend to be the type of person that I had to be to "deserve" their love. It was completely up to me what to tell people and not tell people. And in this way I thought that I had the power to decided whether or not any of my relationships were successful.

My codependency is just a weak and fearful way to attempt to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the people I care about the most.

I saw codependency from my part when I was married to my addict/alcoholic Jekyl/Hyde XX....I ignored my own needs as a woman, as a mother...I needed to try to help him because he was broken. This "extreme love" went out the window when the monster came out and it almost cost my life. It took me 5 years to even date and 10 to remarry but learned to survive. My current ex...different addiction as I come to realize these past two days. He did have an addiction that replaced me as a woman....internet porn. Wow...since he has bee lurking here on DS and yesterday, we had a 'spirited conversation", and he said things that made memories flood my mind....I remember laying in our bed alone and when I went upstairs, I caught him pleasuring himself in front of a monitor....I had been replaced and I was shattered. So...I tried to fix it and forgot me again...I saw the pattern and now, I am walking alone.

I lived through him, lived his life not mine. I used to keep journal and in it I wrote when he came home, if he used or drank, all about him. I went looking for him everywhere when he did not show up on time. I tried controlling him. I read aa book and highlighted everything that applied to him. I knew what he needed, when he needed, what it would take for him to change. I never made plans for the family because I did not know if he was going to show up. My cellphone had only one fast dial number in it. his...he was all I wanted all I needed. I only wanted to spend time with him, nobody else. Financial support was the only kind I got back. I cried myself to sleep so many nights wondering where he was and with who...

I had become codependent growing up with my verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive father. My whole goal in life was twofold...............to try to please everyone above and before myself and to try to control the actions of others through manipulation. With alot of therapy I overcame that behavior. When my two oldest sons became opiate addicts I could feel the tendencies coming back but realized it right away. It has not been easy but much easier than it would have been if I had not learned to work through it years before.

It is was a matter of identifying the source and working to relearn my response and behavior in my life. The emotional freedom is amazing and so worth all the work it took.