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I have a wonderful book that helped me alot when dealing with my emotions regarding my parents. Its called "Toxic Parents, Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life" by Dr. Susan Forward. Thought this would be a wonderful place to start as I would like to include excerpts from her book and other things I have found helpful. Let me know what you think.
From her book:
Its not always easy to figure out whether your parents are, or were, toxic. A lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents. Some of the questions may make you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Thats okay. It is always difficult to tell ourselves the truth about much our parents may have hurt us. For the sake of simplicity, these questions refer to parents in the plural.
I. Your relationship with your parents when you were a child:
1. Did your parents tell you were bad or worthless? Did they call you insulting names? Did they constantly criticize you?
2. Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you? Did they beat you with belts, brushes, or other objects?
3. Did your parents get drunk or use drugs? Did you feel confused, uncomfortable, frightened, hurt or ashamed by this?
4. Were your parents severely depressed or unavailable because of emotional difficulties or mental or physical illness?
5. Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
6. Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret? Were you sexually molested in anyway?
7. Were you frightened of your parents a great deal of the time?
8. Were you afraid to express anger at your parents?
II. Your Adult Life:
1. Do you find yourself in destructive or abusive relationships?
2. Do you believe that if you get too close to someone, they will hurt and/or abandon you?
3. Do you expect the worst from people? From life in general?
4. Do you have a hard time knowing who you are, what you feel and what you want?
5. Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldnt like you?
6. Do you feel anxious when you're successful and frightened that someone will find out that you're a fraud?
7. Do you get angry or sad for no apparent reason?
8. Are you a perfectionist?
9. Is it difficult for you to relax and have a good time?
10. Despite your best intentions, do you find yourself behaving "just like your parents"?
III. Your relationship with your parents as an adult:
1. Do you parents still treat you as if you were a child?
2. Are many of your major life decisions based upon whether your parents will approve?
3. Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?
4. Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?
5. Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?
6. Do your parents manipulate you with money?
7. Do you feel responsible for how yourparents feel? If they're unhappy, do you feel it's your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?
8. Do you believe that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for your parents?
9. Do you believe that someday, somehow, your parents are going to change for the better?
If you answered yes to even one-third of these questions, there is a great deal in this book that can help you. Even though some of the chapters may not seem revelant to your situation, it's important to remember that all toxic parents, regardless of the nature of their abuse, basically leave the same scars. For example, your parents many not have been alcoholic, but the chaos, instability, and lose of childhood that typify alcoholic homes are just as real for children of other types of toxic parents. The principles and techniques of recovery are similar for all adult children.
Hope this has helped in some way and welcome feedback. Have a blessed day!
From her book:
Its not always easy to figure out whether your parents are, or were, toxic. A lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents. Some of the questions may make you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Thats okay. It is always difficult to tell ourselves the truth about much our parents may have hurt us. For the sake of simplicity, these questions refer to parents in the plural.
I. Your relationship with your parents when you were a child:
1. Did your parents tell you were bad or worthless? Did they call you insulting names? Did they constantly criticize you?
2. Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you? Did they beat you with belts, brushes, or other objects?
3. Did your parents get drunk or use drugs? Did you feel confused, uncomfortable, frightened, hurt or ashamed by this?
4. Were your parents severely depressed or unavailable because of emotional difficulties or mental or physical illness?
5. Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
6. Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret? Were you sexually molested in anyway?
7. Were you frightened of your parents a great deal of the time?
8. Were you afraid to express anger at your parents?
II. Your Adult Life:
1. Do you find yourself in destructive or abusive relationships?
2. Do you believe that if you get too close to someone, they will hurt and/or abandon you?
3. Do you expect the worst from people? From life in general?
4. Do you have a hard time knowing who you are, what you feel and what you want?
5. Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldnt like you?
6. Do you feel anxious when you're successful and frightened that someone will find out that you're a fraud?
7. Do you get angry or sad for no apparent reason?
8. Are you a perfectionist?
9. Is it difficult for you to relax and have a good time?
10. Despite your best intentions, do you find yourself behaving "just like your parents"?
III. Your relationship with your parents as an adult:
1. Do you parents still treat you as if you were a child?
2. Are many of your major life decisions based upon whether your parents will approve?
3. Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?
4. Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?
5. Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?
6. Do your parents manipulate you with money?
7. Do you feel responsible for how yourparents feel? If they're unhappy, do you feel it's your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?
8. Do you believe that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for your parents?
9. Do you believe that someday, somehow, your parents are going to change for the better?
If you answered yes to even one-third of these questions, there is a great deal in this book that can help you. Even though some of the chapters may not seem revelant to your situation, it's important to remember that all toxic parents, regardless of the nature of their abuse, basically leave the same scars. For example, your parents many not have been alcoholic, but the chaos, instability, and lose of childhood that typify alcoholic homes are just as real for children of other types of toxic parents. The principles and techniques of recovery are similar for all adult children.
Hope this has helped in some way and welcome feedback. Have a blessed day!
deleted_user
I read this book about awhile back.I found it to be very helpfull..thanks for posting the questionaire i think it helps identify what the problems are and where they come from in your life....
deleted_user
Thank you! I'll definitely get this book.
LisaACOA
Thank you so much for this post!!
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