One of our ACOA members Snailmarks4u wrote this and I wanted to share it with the group.
I think it's great!! Thanks for sharing it with me!!




Survivors

I was thinking about the true definition of surviving today....

For me the worst type of surviving is childhood surviving..

I didnt have a choice... i had an emotionally unavailable mother and an alchoholic for a father... talk about true surviving...

I was forced to grow up in the realm of disfunction...

But can i blame my parents TODAY for my problems?

Should i go around this earth with a chip on my shoulder for everyone that drinks?
Or everyone thats not emotionally available?

Should i predicate my actions today on what went on in my childhood?

Should i accept my issues as just part of the game?

NO....

Yes i survived when i didnt have a choice....

But today i do have a choice and when i make the decision to continually do the same thing over and over again is that really surviving?

I have free will dont i?

When i continue to beat my head against the wall until its bloody there might be a problem right?

So it would become obvious to me that if i cant get it right then a program or something greater than me must step in and show me the way right?

If self will was getting it done then i wouldnt continue to survive would i?

I would learn my lessons and do it differently the next time right?

Not for most that struggle with this disease...

So for me if your just a survivor your missing out on the beauty of life...

I am ok with surviving...but in the end can i really treat people today based on what i have experienced in my past by the choices i made with my free will?

At what point do understand that they survive to just like everyone else...

I know today that my decisions made me the survivior i am today....

once i had free will i chose to be a survivior...

Now rape and things being done against your will are a totally different story...

surviving isnt a bad thing for me today...it has made me who and what i am....

But at the end of the day do i really want to take that into someone elses life and base there being on my experiences?

If i can only give so much to someone based on my issues and my "surviving"

Then why would i want to engage knowing i am wounded and cant step up and provide the level for the relationship that it deserves?

My childhood was sad and indifferent but i love my parents today and just accept them for who and what they are....

Do i take my childhood experiences into my current relationships today...

absolutely i do...but those are the issues that need to be worked on.....I had no choice in the matter to grow up in the home i did...

But when i have a choice and i still engage and cant get it right, that means for some reason due to my issues i cant do it alone...hence addiction....

When my free will causes me pain and unrest i obviously have lost the power of choice and i will have to seek higher ground to get it right...

hence the programs of recovery...

If i blame all the woman in my life for all the negative things that have happened to me do i really give the next one a fair shot at loving me and experiencing truth and intimacy?

Wasnt the common denominator "me" in all the relationships i have had?

To survive is to get through....to continue to predicate your truth on your past is INSANITY....

I SURVIVED this past year because i had the tools and the people and the program to keep me in check, but i chose to do it my way and use my free will to get it done....
Hence surviving....

I didnt need to survive, life could be beautiful...

I need to chose differently so i dont have to survive life dont i?

I dont feel like life is meant to survive....

Life is meant to be lived......

If i am surviving today there is a place i can go and people i can call that will show me a better way of life that i could never achieve myself...

As a kid i was forced to survive..i had no choice, but as an adult my choices dictate if i live life or survive....

The rooms of recovery have giving me something money could never and thats a shot at living and not surviving....

hope this thread finds all well....