With two divorced alcoholic parents, I never knew what to expect one day to the next, or from morning to evening. My mother, until she died when I was 11, drank, but was functional, until, periodically (I don't remember time frames well) - maybe once a week - she had a raging meltdown and I was the target of it until she put me to bed without dinner and cried, and cried until she's wake me up in loving remorse (guilt) and cook some favorite food at 11:00 at night. I always knew in the AM from some scent in the air that she was going to transform into this other person that evening. As an only child, after my mother died I lived With my father or was a heavy drinker and didn't work, so he'd wake up and start drinking and by the night he either pass out asleep or had even become unconcsious several times where I (as a 12-17 year old) had to call the hospital. I just didn't know each day would bring. Having my mother die so suddently, I never knew if I'd wake up and find him dead too. For all those years and years after, and in situations today, I see myself as a little frightened rabbit in the night, stopping stark still when I hear a sound I can't identify, and terrified, with every my scent and ears, and hearing mostly - try to find out where or what the danger is. I didn't realize for many years that I'd lived in a pure state of fear and alot of my life I've lived with this "post traumatic syndrome", where fear of what's unknown comes up in so many areas of my life. When it comes up around people who I care about, as it has for several days with my closest friend, where she's distanced herself for what I know (maybe I don't feel) has to do with her own hurts and struggles but to which she has associated anger to me, I go into extreme anxiety. The same for a friend who, for his own reasons (and I'm not being judgemental - their experiences and fears are as real as my own) has distanced himself without acknowledging that he is in any way, I also go into an almost immobile state where I can't function. I obsess about them, about what I did or didn't do; I feel rotten to the core as if I'm just not worth anything. I go right back to being a child. I know other people out there must have had experiences with their alcoholic families where they lived with the unknown. I'd appreciate any sharing and if anyone can tell me how they deal with those times as adults, I'd be grateful to know hear what helps them.
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