I don't have much to do with my adoptive family any more. The situation became too negative and painful for me. All my life I struggled with not being what they wanted me to be or being like them and that is still the problem. You would think most adoptive parents would be over-the-moon to have a gifted child praised by teachers, very bright and socially adept, but that was never good enough for them.
My mother was always extemely offended and hurt when I would ask about my biological parents. For me this was all about identity; for her it was betrayal I believe. I can't stress enough how important identity issues are to an adopted child. It must be one of the most important issues to overcome.
The last time I was home, I was pretty much ganged up on by the entire extended family for not thinking like them or being like them. To them, I have failed them. To me, their lack of acceptance is intolerable.
One thing I would advise anyone considering adoption -- do NOT whatever you do, go into adoption looking to get any of your own needs met. A baby is not there to fulfill you emotionally or any other way.
One of the things my mother told me repeatedly is that they were disappointed in me because i never wanted to be held or cuddled before being put to sleep and that I would want to go straight to bed myself. This would be manna from heaven for many parents, but even as a baby, I could not be what they wanted me to be!
My life as an adult, is somewhat shattered. I've been in multiple abusive relationships owing to, what my therapists say, was an abusive upbringing. Abuse in itself is bad, but add an adoption plus multiple moves and instability in childhood and that is how you mess up a gifted child with a lot of potential.
Still, i am proud of my accomplishments -- putting my own self through university and graduating magna cum laude, as well as releasing music on some very top international record labels that I have both written and performed.
But that doesn't take away from the mess of my personal life. However, i am doing much better now just being on my own after a lot of therapy. I have gone no-contact with family for the most part and my life has improved. I don't get into abusive relationships and my life has improved.
The last time my adopted mother wrote to me after having not seen me for years, she as usual gave me a long list of her problems and issues. It's always about her and i was very much parentified my entire life. Wouldn't most loving parents want to know how their child is doing after so long apart? So what i want to say to any potential adopting families:
1. THe focus should be your child -- it's not about getting any unmet needs met (Look up parentification)
2. Don't have any preconceived ideas of what your child should be. If you are a republican and your child is not, accept them for their own beliefs. etc. Help them become who THEY are; not who you want them to be!
3. Practice unconditional love! Please don't let them feel like being loved by you has conditions which need to be met. (If being a straight A student and a social success loved by all my teachers wasn't enough for my parents, then nothing could ever be good enough!)
I hope this helps someone out there!