I think you should push for answers, but not with the aid of a lawyer. It is ironic, after reading your post, I now realize that maybe I had four other children after I gave my first born awaay, because I was trying to fill my own void. The parents can at least give you some real answers. Plus, you should talk to her as well, if this is possible. If she is overwhelmed by all of this, then it is probably best that you wait. Good luck!

I think you should wait until she is 18. Do you feel like the aparents abandoned her? If she is cutting herself, I think they put her in a place so that she can get some help.

Yes I do feel like they abandoned her. I feel like they are dealing with the other two children that don't know or want to know thier bparents.

As far as a lawyer I have a family friend and that is as far I would go, but I don't want to ruin any relationships that her parents and I have or did have. In my heart I believe that they have done great by her but my head is saying otherwise.

THank you to everyone. This weekend was really rough and I think that I spent 90% of it in tears, talking here really helps. My husband doesn't understand, and he is gone a lot so I don't have his shoulder to cry on. Thanks again.

I think that you scared the adoptive parents when you had the conversation with your daughter about the lawyer. I think you feel you will lose her trust ifyou are supportive of her parents. She looks to you as the "cool" parent because you don't have to discipline her and deal with the difficulties of day to day teenager stuff. I think the cutting and behavior problems would be there for her whether you were in her life or not, so try not to blame yourself for that or compare her behavior with her siblings that haven't had contact with their bmoms. I think that it would be better for her/less confusing if you backed away for a while....and mantained contact with the A. parents. you need to regain their trust. Let them know you aren't going to take her away from them. I bet they will open up to you about why they sent her to the school, etc...You have to be careful not to step into her life, too far, right now. She will have a harder time respecting her parents and behaving herself if she talks to you about her problems with them. It is great for a teenager to have an adult to talk to, that isn't their parent. They might listen to some reasoning if it is not their parents BUT you can't be that person right now. She has a vision of what life would be like if she was living with you. You would be like a friend instead of a mom. You would be cool and let her do more than her parents. That is what she imagines. You can express your love and concerns for her, to her. But, you have to support the decisions of her folks. It will help her get things under control. It must be scary for you to say anything that might upset her. Then she might stop talking to you. But, you aren't helping things if you are talking about getting a lawyer. Of course the parents freaked out. Of course, you aren't able to talk to her. Adoptive parents are still super skittish about contact with birth moms. You are lucky to have had contact with her as she has been growing up. I think the parents are just scared right now. Call them up and tell them that you are totally in their corner and just offer to be there if she needs you. you also need to offer to step back if they think that would help her settle down. She is at a very difficult time in her life.

That's what I think. I hope that I haven't upset you. I think that everything you have done, so far, is because you love her. There just isn't a guide book for these things. Good luck. I hope everything works out for all of you! (I am an adoptive parent and have a 17 yr old daughter so that is what I based my opinions on.)

Wow. I have such mixed feelings right now blazing through my head. I am a birthmom and, although my daughter's adoption is "open," I chose to only receive/give written communication since I know me...if I saw her too often, I would get too involved and blame myself for all the "bad" things in her life. So for the last 14 years, I've watched my daughter grow up in pictures, hearing of her latest accomplishments and disasters in the letters I receive from the adoptive mom every year. As for your situation, from my own experience, I would say that letting go right now sounds like the best thing to do, for all involved. Counseling is something I would also suggest for you, since blaming yourself for everything going "wrong" in her life is definitely unhealthy and will not make you a better parent to your younger daughter. Parenting from guilt is the worst kind of parenting, from what I've experienced. My mom raised me and STILL blames herself for me being an alcoholic, which still baffles me to this day. We are all here to walk through the trials of our lives that mold us into the people we become. Sheltering our children from life is not always the best answer since you may get in the way of something profound your children may need to go through, to become the people they are meant to be someday. And believing, as parents, that we are in total control over our children's lives, especially as they grow older and make their own choices, is the biggest lie we tell ourselves, only to have something to beat ourselves over the head with when they get hurt or make choices that hurt themselves. I am sure you have been through some terrible times in your life, but looking back now, can you see how that experience has benefited you and helped shape who you are today? And because of walking through that experience and growing because of it, are you able to help someone else out who's going through the same thing? I am not someone who will tell you that your decision either way will be "wrong." But I will suggest that you check your motives...are you doing this to prove something to yourself, that you're really not a bad person for placing your daughter for adoption because look what you're willing to do to make sure she's ok? You had to have trusted these people enough to allow them to raise your daughter in the beginning. Maybe reaching deep within yourself and continuing to trust that decision, and trust whatever God it is that you believe in, and let go for a while and see what comes of it. Rescuing your daughter may not end up being a rescue at all, if she is where she is meant to be right now. And it is my belief that we are all EXACTLY where we are meant to be at this very moment...whether it's where we want to be or not. So, before you make a firm decision, get honest with yourself about your motives. Seek the trust you once had for her adoptive parents. And remember that God is doing for you (and your daughter - and everyone invloved) what you can't do for yourself. Keep the faith! My prayers are with you!