Hello,

I am only 19 years old and I saw that you are older than me, but I was adopted as a child and I hope that you dont mind me giving you opinion.

I was 8 years old when I was adopted. Meaning I was very aware of what my life had been like before adoption. I had many memories stored, and I think it made it a bit harder for me. I also have a little brother ( he is 4 years younger) we were tossed around foster homes and eventually adopted together. My entire life as a child I had to take care of him. I was his mother in every sense of the word. I dont think I ever fully understood what it was to have a childhood. I feel like I missed out on something.

Now that I am a bit older I feel like I was effected by my entire childhood more than i ever knew. I lead a very normal happy life for the most part, but I feel as if something was robbed from me.

I was thinking about looking into counseling. Have you ever? and if so did you think it was worthwhile?

best,
ash

Hi there. I was adopted at 4 years old so I do remember too. I was very sad when I was a child, and like you I totally feel that something was missing from my childhood, I grew up very fast.

I look at my nephew (my sister by adoption, has a child that is 5 year's old), I watch him grow up and how innocent he is and special. Something got lost for me at that age, as I was processing a lot as a child, I had to deal with a lot at such a young age.

It is funny you ask about counseling but this past 2 weeks I've been researching through my insurance some counselors. At this age, it has hit me again that I need to deal with the grief, etc., and just life situations that has been affected by adoption. I think it is a good choice and glad that you are asking questions about it. I think one thing as an adoptee, that we learn we have the choice to ask for help as we are older. We are no longer victims where choices were made for us when we were young (even though it was for our survival), but we allow ourselves to participate in our own healing now.

I hope you find that peace and happiness, because from your story it would be a nice ending :)

Thanks for sharing!

i understand the feeling of loss...it never really bothered me until about a year ago, while i was adopted at 11 weeks, i do not remember my life before being adopted, i don't which is better knowing, or never knowing

I was adopted when I was 2 days old and even thought I don't remember my mom at love my daughter with all my heart but having here realized how much I needed that connection with my birth mom that I can't have with anyone else.

I haven't gotten this book yet, "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child"
by Nancy Verrier but I've heard great things about it, I also encourage those who feel that primal loss at such an early age... and ironically this book is supposed to explain that even at infancy we can feel the loss and connection to our mother's from birth. Why? Because for 9 months we gestated in our birth mother's belly, were connected with her, knew her voice, felt her heartbeat with ours, and emotions. This really makes sense if you think that it is well known in pre-birth development they suggest that you can increase an infant's intelligence and emotional foundation, if you read to them in utero, talk to them, touch the belly of the mother, and so on. All those things start the process of making the infant feel connected and loved when they leave the womb at birth. For the adopted infant taken away from what it "knew", there is a deep loss and confusion.

This book *I've only read excerpts of it* is supposed to be an excellent resource to help explain this sometimes unexplainable "loss" or disconnection is actually very "normal" throughout our childhood and as adults.Therefore as adoptees, no matter the age, we should allow ourselves to mourne the experience and give it a sense of closure by allowing ourselves to travel back to that place and grieve what happened. Also, emotions are mixed, we are sad, but our adopted parents are happy. Think of the confusion one can feel. At that time, we don't feel like a "precious" gift, we just feel abandoned. It saddens me to know that people dismiss it, and to say one was so young, how could they remember? But the imprint of this kind of loss is exactly that, primordal. That infant or child who didn't know how to articulate these feelings, but only to feel it. Raw emotions (which are our buildig blocks) can carry through from infancy, childhood to adulthood.

The truth is, you were something to someone before you were adopted. Regardless of how that situation came to be. So why wouldn't one feel that deep abandonment?

There is also another book I haven't read yet, but on my book list, it is called, "Adoption healing... A path to recovery" by Joseph M. Soll. In this book, and from what I hear, it is a rare book, because it discusses adoption issues from a
"recovery" perspective.

Reading what others have written helps me to see I'm not alone in this. And understanding is part of feeling connected. Thank you.

I am 18 now but I was adopted at two months old. I know exactly the feeling every one of you is describing. I did end up in counseling because of deep depression a few years ago. I learned that a lot of my problems stem from just a few. I have a constant feeling that the people i love in my life will abandon me. I push people away before they have a chance to leave me. By doing this I make myself a very lonely girl. This all stems from my adoption. I am glad to know that I am not the only person that feels this way. I think its good that everyone recognizes the loss, and are considering help. My counseling helped me understand a lot about myself and how to properly cope with my feelings. I think counseling is a great way to go!

Well, I apologize for butting in here, but I am adoptor of a beautiful little girl that came to us as a foster baby at 3 1/2 weeks old, we adopted at 18 months and she's now 4 years old.

Her mom abandoned her in the hospital and she laid in NICU for the whole 3 1/2 weeks detoxing and strapped to vents.

You ALL have given me such a great insight here to something that I wasn't originally educated on, but had a fear of.

I will get that book listed here and will (already planned to) help her along as best I can through what I feel/fear she will experience growing up.

I know it will obviously be there as she doesn't look anything like us. You can see from the picturs in my journal.

I hope you don't mind I came here not being adopted myself, but I really wanted to learn from you.

Thank you!

Hey I am 31 and i was adopted with my sister from birth we are Samoan nuien and Cook Island decent. We were adopted into a Austrian/Dutch couple and they were 44 45

the only loss that i guess i felt was not being able to learn the language and culture of our heritage...I felt like a displaced person because i wasnt white but all my friends and family was and yet i didnt feel choclate because i didnt understand the culture and i had no close friends that were.....

saying that i never hated the family that gave us up for adoption either i have heard alot do but i always used to say "how can you hate someone you dont even know"

It is so nice to see so many many of us adoptee's out here shareing how we feel. I was adopted at 2 days old to a wonderful family. My adopted parents raised me wonderfuly. They love me to pieces and we are extreamly close. I look at them as my only parents. I never felt any different knowing that I was adopted . They were mom and dad to me . BUT I will say we were always open about where I came from and always talked about being adopted, I remember my mom reading childlike books about it to me from when I was a little girl. My adoption was never shunded it was blessed in my house. But even though I still always had this feeling as I got older as to why am I so tall? Why is my hair the way it is? What was my Biological mother like? I always knew she was very young .
So I felt she put me up for adoption to be able to give me a better life.I always thanked her in my heart for that.

At age 18 and at a spur of a moment. I decided to try and search for my biological family . I knew about 5 facts about them and did not really expect to find anyone. With a dear friend of mine we went searching. I Found my biological mothers side of the family . I was stunned shocked and afraid. But I knew in my heart my adoptive parents were my one and only parents. I just wanted to know where my blood was from. Who I was Blood wise and most importiantly what kind of medical issues were in my family. My friend and myself went to meet my Biological family. We met and I have to say for the most part it went ok. I was not able to meet my blood mother ,she had past away 6 years after I was born. But I did meet her mother and the family of aunts and uncles and borthers and sisters. As happy as we all were My point was clear . I was not searching for another family . I was searching for information of myself. We establish a friendship and 14 years later the only one whom i speak with is a biological sister. I am desprit to find my biological fathers side . There are medical questions I need answered.

Adoption is a blessed thing. It is sad and I truley believe at any age of when an adoption happens either newborn to any age The adoptee does suffer a loss feeling . When a newborn I believe it can be felt . I believe that child knows it is being seperated from his/her mother but the feeling and the morning is suppressed in the mind and sometimes will come out later in life . It is very importiant to deal with these emotions. If the adoption of an adoptee is kept secret and is handled as a hush hush secret that child learns to supress these emotion or may not understand why he or she has these uncertain emotions as they arise in teenage or adult lives.

This is my experiance and only my own opinion of my experiance. Every Adoptee experiance is always different and unique. each case should be treated in its own unique way.

Good Luck and thank for writing
Peachiesweety33

I am an adult adoptee, and I was adopted at 3 months old. I resisited the idea of loss for a long time, but I believe there is something to it. I met my bparents several years ago. My aparents were scared at first that they would be replaced, but my aparents will always be my aparents. Meeting my bp's however, seemed to add missing pieces to the puzzle. My husband used a couple of books to help find my bp's: Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, by Betty Jean Lifton, and How to Locate Anyone Anywhere Without Leaving Home, by Ted L. Gunderson. That's my contribution. Hope it helps.

i'll be 36 in August and have realized that i am dealing with issues of feeling abandoned due to the fact that i was adopted at birth (then removed from that family). i was thinking that one way of dealing with this feeling is to find my birth mother. i have never read a book about it and would love to hear about these books. Please share the titles

superchic,
I totally understand what you are saying. I was adopted at age 6, although I placed at age 3 1/2 and adopted by my foster parents. I was abused as a child and am working on getting passed that still at age 25. I still feel like there is this hole in me, something I cant figure out but I know I cant fix. Its very difficult. I also get very depressed for some reasons and dont feel like I can get passed it. My doctor was worried about bi Polar but I dont agree with that and refused treatment. If you have any ideas you could share I would greatly appreciate it. I always thought I was just weird, never told anyone.

I am a married, 52 yr mother of 2 adult children and was told only 5 day ago that my brother and I are adopted, we do not have the same bmother. I love my aparents and am not angry with them for not telling me, but have many emotions I am trying to work through. Most of my cousins knew, which upsets me, I am having a bit of an identity crisis and am more sad that I am not a blood relation of the big family I thought that I was, I thought I looked like them etc, I fit in like a round peg in a round hole. I have some medical issues, so it now feels strange. I would like to hear from any adoptees who have been told later in life and how they came to terms with it.

Hi. What interesting stories that are so close to my heart. I was adpoted at 3 days old to a family who had a biological son of their own. I just had feelings from as early as I could remember that it was them and me, alone in this big family. I didn't belong. At aged 37 and after some recent events I can see I will never have this familys love or support or encouragement and that the only way is to nuture myself and stand alone. I thank them for the physical side of adopting me, a roof over my head, education, food on the table, lovely clothes but there was no love, no cuddles, no encouragement, no support, no friends my age. As a result I have no confidence or belief in myself. I feel liberated having walked away from these people after an event at xmas that showed me clearly will never be anything from these people. I feel sad but free and am recovering well.

I'd like to offer a different perspective than has been given here. I was adopted at two days and grew up with an older brother, natural birth, and a adopted little sister.

I was always aware I was adopted. I am white, red haired and I was adopted into a Mexican-American faimily. Growing up, I was the one that stood out in the group, rather obviously, but not apart from the family. I was raised in a suburban Mexican environment. The only thing I have done is look more into Irish and English heritage, but honestly..knowing anything about that hasn't changed much in my outlook.

I never felt something was missing. I never felt abandoned. It was not until my ex-wife encouraged me to look up my birth parents, well...actually found my mother for me that I made any effort toward contact.

Sadly, and it does bother me, I have nothing really to talk to my mother about. She is a very, very interesting person but we just don't seem to click. I have another little sister who I am in contact with.

I am still close with my adopted mother and talk to her daily. She raised me and took care of me. My adoptive father left after a divorce at age 8 and we talk every week or so.

But I never felt I was missing anything.