
Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.

deleted_user
I am an adoptee myself, and I wanted to start a discussion with other adoptees who were adopted from infancy or as a child (I was adopted at age 4). I want to ask you despite your age (infancy or as a child), can you tell me if emotionally and psychologically did you ever feel a primal loss, something you couldn\'t explain but existed within?
The reason I ask I am realizing at 36, there have been moments of feelings I get, where I can be sad or feeling lost, and I didn\'t know that deep inside I was still processing this \"primal\" loss. And how I understand that it is unprocessed grief as a child.
Also, I wanted to ask what books people have read on adoption, because I would like to share a book list on my journal so we can exchange and discuss.
Thanks and God bless you.
The reason I ask I am realizing at 36, there have been moments of feelings I get, where I can be sad or feeling lost, and I didn\'t know that deep inside I was still processing this \"primal\" loss. And how I understand that it is unprocessed grief as a child.
Also, I wanted to ask what books people have read on adoption, because I would like to share a book list on my journal so we can exchange and discuss.
Thanks and God bless you.
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I am only 19 years old and I saw that you are older than me, but I was adopted as a child and I hope that you dont mind me giving you opinion.
I was 8 years old when I was adopted. Meaning I was very aware of what my life had been like before adoption. I had many memories stored, and I think it made it a bit harder for me. I also have a little brother ( he is 4 years younger) we were tossed around foster homes and eventually adopted together. My entire life as a child I had to take care of him. I was his mother in every sense of the word. I dont think I ever fully understood what it was to have a childhood. I feel like I missed out on something.
Now that I am a bit older I feel like I was effected by my entire childhood more than i ever knew. I lead a very normal happy life for the most part, but I feel as if something was robbed from me.
I was thinking about looking into counseling. Have you ever? and if so did you think it was worthwhile?
best,
ash
I look at my nephew (my sister by adoption, has a child that is 5 year's old), I watch him grow up and how innocent he is and special. Something got lost for me at that age, as I was processing a lot as a child, I had to deal with a lot at such a young age.
It is funny you ask about counseling but this past 2 weeks I've been researching through my insurance some counselors. At this age, it has hit me again that I need to deal with the grief, etc., and just life situations that has been affected by adoption. I think it is a good choice and glad that you are asking questions about it. I think one thing as an adoptee, that we learn we have the choice to ask for help as we are older. We are no longer victims where choices were made for us when we were young (even though it was for our survival), but we allow ourselves to participate in our own healing now.
I hope you find that peace and happiness, because from your story it would be a nice ending :)
Thanks for sharing!
by Nancy Verrier but I've heard great things about it, I also encourage those who feel that primal loss at such an early age... and ironically this book is supposed to explain that even at infancy we can feel the loss and connection to our mother's from birth. Why? Because for 9 months we gestated in our birth mother's belly, were connected with her, knew her voice, felt her heartbeat with ours, and emotions. This really makes sense if you think that it is well known in pre-birth development they suggest that you can increase an infant's intelligence and emotional foundation, if you read to them in utero, talk to them, touch the belly of the mother, and so on. All those things start the process of making the infant feel connected and loved when they leave the womb at birth. For the adopted infant taken away from what it "knew", there is a deep loss and confusion.
This book *I've only read excerpts of it* is supposed to be an excellent resource to help explain this sometimes unexplainable "loss" or disconnection is actually very "normal" throughout our childhood and as adults.Therefore as adoptees, no matter the age, we should allow ourselves to mourne the experience and give it a sense of closure by allowing ourselves to travel back to that place and grieve what happened. Also, emotions are mixed, we are sad, but our adopted parents are happy. Think of the confusion one can feel. At that time, we don't feel like a "precious" gift, we just feel abandoned. It saddens me to know that people dismiss it, and to say one was so young, how could they remember? But the imprint of this kind of loss is exactly that, primordal. That infant or child who didn't know how to articulate these feelings, but only to feel it. Raw emotions (which are our buildig blocks) can carry through from infancy, childhood to adulthood.
The truth is, you were something to someone before you were adopted. Regardless of how that situation came to be. So why wouldn't one feel that deep abandonment?
There is also another book I haven't read yet, but on my book list, it is called, "Adoption healing... A path to recovery" by Joseph M. Soll. In this book, and from what I hear, it is a rare book, because it discusses adoption issues from a
"recovery" perspective.
Reading what others have written helps me to see I'm not alone in this. And understanding is part of feeling connected. Thank you.
Her mom abandoned her in the hospital and she laid in NICU for the whole 3 1/2 weeks detoxing and strapped to vents.
You ALL have given me such a great insight here to something that I wasn't originally educated on, but had a fear of.
I will get that book listed here and will (already planned to) help her along as best I can through what I feel/fear she will experience growing up.
I know it will obviously be there as she doesn't look anything like us. You can see from the picturs in my journal.
I hope you don't mind I came here not being adopted myself, but I really wanted to learn from you.
Thank you!
the only loss that i guess i felt was not being able to learn the language and culture of our heritage...I felt like a displaced person because i wasnt white but all my friends and family was and yet i didnt feel choclate because i didnt understand the culture and i had no close friends that were.....
saying that i never hated the family that gave us up for adoption either i have heard alot do but i always used to say "how can you hate someone you dont even know"
So I felt she put me up for adoption to be able to give me a better life.I always thanked her in my heart for that.
At age 18 and at a spur of a moment. I decided to try and search for my biological family . I knew about 5 facts about them and did not really expect to find anyone. With a dear friend of mine we went searching. I Found my biological mothers side of the family . I was stunned shocked and afraid. But I knew in my heart my adoptive parents were my one and only parents. I just wanted to know where my blood was from. Who I was Blood wise and most importiantly what kind of medical issues were in my family. My friend and myself went to meet my Biological family. We met and I have to say for the most part it went ok. I was not able to meet my blood mother ,she had past away 6 years after I was born. But I did meet her mother and the family of aunts and uncles and borthers and sisters. As happy as we all were My point was clear . I was not searching for another family . I was searching for information of myself. We establish a friendship and 14 years later the only one whom i speak with is a biological sister. I am desprit to find my biological fathers side . There are medical questions I need answered.
Adoption is a blessed thing. It is sad and I truley believe at any age of when an adoption happens either newborn to any age The adoptee does suffer a loss feeling . When a newborn I believe it can be felt . I believe that child knows it is being seperated from his/her mother but the feeling and the morning is suppressed in the mind and sometimes will come out later in life . It is very importiant to deal with these emotions. If the adoption of an adoptee is kept secret and is handled as a hush hush secret that child learns to supress these emotion or may not understand why he or she has these uncertain emotions as they arise in teenage or adult lives.
This is my experiance and only my own opinion of my experiance. Every Adoptee experiance is always different and unique. each case should be treated in its own unique way.
Good Luck and thank for writing
Peachiesweety33
I totally understand what you are saying. I was adopted at age 6, although I placed at age 3 1/2 and adopted by my foster parents. I was abused as a child and am working on getting passed that still at age 25. I still feel like there is this hole in me, something I cant figure out but I know I cant fix. Its very difficult. I also get very depressed for some reasons and dont feel like I can get passed it. My doctor was worried about bi Polar but I dont agree with that and refused treatment. If you have any ideas you could share I would greatly appreciate it. I always thought I was just weird, never told anyone.
I was always aware I was adopted. I am white, red haired and I was adopted into a Mexican-American faimily. Growing up, I was the one that stood out in the group, rather obviously, but not apart from the family. I was raised in a suburban Mexican environment. The only thing I have done is look more into Irish and English heritage, but honestly..knowing anything about that hasn't changed much in my outlook.
I never felt something was missing. I never felt abandoned. It was not until my ex-wife encouraged me to look up my birth parents, well...actually found my mother for me that I made any effort toward contact.
Sadly, and it does bother me, I have nothing really to talk to my mother about. She is a very, very interesting person but we just don't seem to click. I have another little sister who I am in contact with.
I am still close with my adopted mother and talk to her daily. She raised me and took care of me. My adoptive father left after a divorce at age 8 and we talk every week or so.
But I never felt I was missing anything.