I've recently been thinking it's time that I meet my birth mother. I already know who my birth father is and I've always had a close relationship with him throughout my life. In regards to my birth mother, I've never had the desire to meet her or know anything about her. However, my feelings towards meeting her have changed recently. I learned about my adoption at age 17. Yes, I've always had a relationship with my birth father because I grew up knowing him as my brother. You see, his parents adopted me when I was one year old. I always kind of knew something was not right in regards to my age and my parents age. I just figuered they had me very late in life. Well, this wasn't the case. When I learned that I was adopted, I was in shock and I did not know what to do. I felt lied to, rejected, abandoned. Everything type of negative feeling came over me. I even considered running away! Anyhow, I though I had accepted this when I finally asked my birth father about the story of my existence. I was 34 when I asked him to tell me the story of my birth and why I was adopted my his parents. He told me his side and I accepted it and move on with my life. I still consider him as my brother and not as my father. I think I will have to work on this also.
I got married to a wonderful man when I was 31 years old, he was 32. This marriage is the first for both of us. My husband and I got married and we figuered we'd start a family eventually. We've been married 7 years and still no children. Because of this, my marriage has suffered. My husband blames my being adopted and I not being able to accept and forgive my birth parents for possibly rejecting the idea having children. I think this is true. I believe I need to heal from this wound in order to forgive for the feeling of abandonment. I told myself many years ago, even before I met my husband that I did not want children because I felt how can I love a child when I wasn't even loved. At the time, I thought this was no big deal, but seeing the brokeness in my marriage because I haven't been able to have children have really affected my husband, whom loves kids.
We've tried fertility treatments and those have not been successful. Both he and I have been tested and results come back normal. This is definitley some type of mental block along with resentment and unforgiveness. I need to be healed and God will help me through this.
I've recently been thinking it's time I contact my birth mother. I've been able to locate a phone # for her. I'm not sure if this is a valid # but I need to prepare myself to make this call whether this # is good or not. I need to be ready to accept this person into my life. What if she had other children? Do I need to accept them into my life too? Just thinking of this is overwhelming.
My husband and I are currently separated, but he supports the idea of I reaching out to my birth mother. He feels this will help out a lot.
What should I expect?
What are her expectations?
I feel lost.
Where do I start? I feel lost.
So I have recently starting going to AA meetings, but since I quit I started smoking more. I love smoking. I think it is great. It's not like I use it to hide or forget about anything. I enjoy smoking and love how it makes me feel. I understand why my therapist is concerned, because I am replacing alcohol with pot, but I feel completely different when I smoke. When I drink I become a different...
That's the title of the memoir I'm writing about the next eighteen months. Seriously. In 18 months, I'll be 60 years old. I think of myself as someone who's battled food addiction all her life, but the reality of it is that with a few short-lived exceptions, I'm actually someone who's mostly just given in to her food addictions her whole life. I've thought about battling it, I've belittled...