Hello,
I havn't been through the same thing, But I was adopted, and I am very greatful for it. You made the right desicion for both of you as you got to carry on with your life and the baby got what it needed. A baby is a lot of work. You are not a bad person. You are a lot braver and sensible than some mothers who just selfishly rais the child anyway, and it has a horrible time because the mother is not able to look after it propily. You child will understand this when they are older. You are not a bad person! Stay strong and if you need to rant, I'm here xxxxxxxx

what you are feeling is normal given the circumstance. You are not a bad person, you did what you felt was best for your child. Hang in there and please dont beat yourself up over the decision you made.

In Essence you have never dealth with the fact that you gave your daughter up for adoption. That is what happened to my birth-mother, she finally healed after she met me. I told her how glad I was that she gave me up for adoption. I had a great childhood. You must forgive yourself and heal. You did what was right. Two wrong choices does not make a right one, you made a poor choice the first time, but fixed that with the right choice. She is a healthy beautiful happy young girl that is 20 years old. She may have to wait till she is 21 before she can find you. She will find you someday. You need to seek a counselor to deal with those feeling you have about your daughter. Does your husband know? You need to share that with him so that he is prepared should she show up on your door step. And remember to her you are just the person who gave her life. That is important but you are a stranger, so go slowly. I told my birth-mother I just wanted to be friends. I think that at first she was disappointed but she was not my mom. she was my birth-mother. I wish you well. I'm around should you need to chat.

Ms. Missy

I am on the other side of the adoption story. My daughter suffered severe trauma with her birth mother. The tender moment that you describe with your baby was absent in my daughters life.
No matter how much she searches her memories, she cannot find one. She too laments for someone she lost. It is called an attachment disorder. Even though she had years of contact with her birth mom, she still did not bond with her.
My daughter felt that it was her job to help her parents. When they failed, she felt that she had failed. You have given your child the chance to bond with her adoptive parents, something that I have had to fight for and something that is nessessary for her success in life. her whole future depends on the ablity to learn to love. You have given your baby the best chance at love that is possible. My children's parents were too young also as well as too high to be good parents. As you do, my oldest laments about the past and how she could have made things different. She dwells on how she could fix the past to the point that it interferes with life in the present and shapes her hopes for the future. She wants to go back and help mommy get better and to hear her say she loves her. You have spared your child this and are doing the suffering for her. I cannot tell you how precious a gift this is.
More than likely your daughter has been told that you were very young and that you gave her up so that she could have love and stability in her life. And more than likely, she is looking forward to meeting you when she is of age. You need to take a good look at yourself to see if you are the person that you want her to meet. Someone who will add a positive emotional force in her life. One that will be supportive of her goals and that will help her continue her ties with the people she has bonded with.
I have failed to mention the developmental issues children have when parents are not ready. My family knows first hand what this is about with all three of our children. you made a selfless decision to make sure that your child did not have to go through any of it. I applaud you for giving your very best which includes the grieving that you are going through. you are suffering this way so that she would never have to.
I thank you for that on her behalf and I wish you the best.

hi Tonie .. I am so sorry you are having such a rough time . I too gave up my baby when I was 17 yrs old .I am also adopted myself so I can see both sides of it . It was the hardest thing I ever had to do giving my baby up but I did it for him . to give him a better chance at life . As iam sure you did too . Plus when your young its a very very scary thing to go through . Please dont beat yourself up . I can relate to the feelings you have because a had them too but the heart will heal over time . I was lucky I got to pick out my babys new parents and we kept in touch for awhile , but I had to let go because I didnt want to confuse matthew as he grew up . I still look at those baby pictures often but now instead of tears ,I smile and think of what a wonderful and beautiful gift I gave to those parents and to matthew . and I hope one day I will see him again as Iam good friends now with my birhparents . but if not I will always hold him in my heart . If you ever need to talk please feel free to send me a message , take care sincerely Faith&Hopr

tonie10- I have been there too. I too was 16 when i found out i was pregnant. i thought i loved the birthfather, but he didn't care for me the way i did him. we dated on and off for about 3 years. anyway, when my baby was born, only very few members of our family knew. after he was placed for open adoption (which i researched extensively before i signed the papers), my mom wanted me to have a "normal" life too. i was still in high school. i didn't even have a drivers licence yet, but i had gone through everything a mother does when having a baby. as time went on. i rebelled bigtime. how can a child be shrouded in secrecy and the woman be told to move on. that's the same reason there are so many women and men that suffer from post abortion syndrome. anyway, i went on to college and while earning a degree i also was behaving poorly to say the least. i got involved with alcohol and drugs for awhile- lost a friend to heroin overdose and also met my future husband there (Thank God-he's my second miracle!). The thing is, while I was at school, I told everyone about my first precious baby. I think in a way, that's how I started to heal. I even wrote papers about him and the whole experience. In the meanwhile I would recieve pics and letters from his family which i treasure. I have every single one. When i would approach my mom with them and try to talk to her about it, at first it was like- taboo or something. Well the strongwilled woman in me wouldn't have it. I pushed him on her and tried to explain to her everything i'd done in responce to having to shut up about it. i told her i was lucky to be alive and that if she knew what was good for her, she wouldn't try to hide my "mistake" from the people in this world who are supposed to be there for me and help through difficult times. She eventually relented and told most family members. By that time, the damage was already done. it's been a tornado of up and downs since then. I too struggle with times in my life where i feel completely incapacitated. i attend individual counseling on my own accord and also take medicine to help with the extreme ups and downs so i can work steadily. the worst part of everything is that now i am almost 4 years into a beautiful marriage with my husband, have been clean for many years, pray regularly, and now we are having trouble concieving a child. I've had a miscarriage after almost 2 years of trying. the pain of thinking that i gave the only baby i might have been able to have away.....it sucks hard. but the odd part is, i feel a sense of calm about it too. God is my strength. I believe it was Him guiding me through all the years of secrecy, promiscuity and drug use to arrive at a place in my life where i can just be. my son- he will Always be my son in my heart, is an enigma to me. He is so smart and well loved and loving to other people. That is what matters. When I had him with me in the hospital, I knew I relinquished my rights as his mother...but you Never relinquish your rights to pray about them and hope for them that God will keep them and yourself so that one day united in heaven, the truth will set us free.

Hi Tonie:

Like several others, I am on the opposite side....my birthmother gave me up for adoption when she was 16. She did the best possible thing she could for me...she gave me the best chance for a good normal life, something she could not even have come close to have given me when she was 16. You have done the best think you could have for your child.

I also would like to add that the thing I am most grateful to my birthmother for is life itself. I would not be on this earth if it were not for her (and God), and I am grateful to be alive.

I hope you would consider seeing a counselor, as these issues are hard to work out alone, or even on a support group like this.

I pray for God's grace and peace, that He would hold you close and let you know that you are loved and cared for.

Blessings,
Jan

Love what everyone here has said. Yes, you may hurt now but think of the life you have provided for your child! Think of all the opprotunities that you have made possible for her to have. It seems like most of the things that I have read here from others that have been adopted(myself included) are so grateful for being given the chance at life. How wonderful for you, and all those, who go through the pain they go through inside when they give up a child. But you are really an angel. You put your own feelings aside and did what was best for your precious baby. That, my dear, is the greatest gift you could have given her!

I am 23yrs old and live in the uk.

2wks after my 18th birthday i found out i was pregnant, 6months, was to late to think or do anything.

Has anyone ever felt like their whole world has come crashing down?I did that day. Will never forget collapsin when the test come back as positive and my nan getting scared. Little did she know at the time that it would get worse.

I decided after thinking long and hard that i wasnt ready for a child, i was still a child myself. Not long left school, just had my first proper bf.

Ever since the day i gave birth ive constantly thought to myself will she hate me for it. Like i have the hate towards myself, i dnt deserve anything good to happen to me.

The reason ive joined this group is that in work today i broke down, ended up telling my boss my whole story. he said i need to get this of my chest.

The short version of the story is i was made homeless by my desision, my family totally cut me off, i went thro it all alone. Having to face the remarks ppl would say about me knowing i could hear them.

To this day i think im uncapable of loving someone or something, if i could give away my own daughter, what else am i capable of.

I have been given anti depresants by dr's, ive seen shrinks, ive tried everything i could think of, except for this.

How does everyone deal with this?I know we r all diff but im stuck in a rut and i would really like some advice.

Thanks for reading this

X

sorry if it makes no sence

X

Adoption= a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It breaks my heart listening to how others have recieved the same treatment I did.
Being made to believe that we had nothing to offer, were worthless as mothers. All the secrets and shame.
If only we had another option, to keep our children and be told that we were capable and worth it.
The reality is that I was sold a load of propaganda and lies in order to have my baby removed from me.
Abandoned by the people who should have supported me and threatened with all sorts. Made to keep it a dirty secret from most members of my family.
I too went through a period of telling everyone in order to heal. It didn't get my son back though and the pain of that knocks me on my arse regularly. I am overwhelmed by a deep sadness. Like my heart has been ripped out and I am unable to function.
This is called disenfranchised grief and it is common in mothers who have lost their children to adoption as there is no resolution to the grief. Your child is still out there so how can you grieve the loss of something that still excists.
If your baby died you would be able to grieve but adoption is the only loss of a child where you are expected by everyone around you to feel great about it because you have made some infertile couple into a family. You are totaly denied your grieving process right from the start. I too was told to shut up and get over it and not to mention it again. Oh what a suprise I have depressive episodes. Even then you are made to question yourself. Of course you would get depressive episodes you were never truly allowed to grieve.
Or have the support from the people around you who would traditionaly give support to any other mother who had lost a child.

It really bugs me as well that people keep saying " you made the right descision for your child"
How the hell do they know what the future holds for a young mother and their child. It just perpetuates the myth that babys are oh so better off with total strangers than they are with their real parents and that all young mothers are incapable of looking after their own children. I could put my hand on my heart and say it wouldn't be the mothers that relinquish their babys who would make crap parents because I believe fundementally they are doing what they are told is best for their baby. Even though evidence suggests that it is better for children to be brought up in their natural familys and not cut off from their roots.

Thank you Darkwater for bringing up some very important points about adoption and relinquishment that most of society don't know about.

Tonie10, there are many of us out here who understand what you have and continue to deal with. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find being here is helpful to you. It has been to me, I wish DS was around 10-15 years ago!

really socal? All darkwater brought up was a perspective from one side of an issue...A perspective slightly laced with venom...Do we honestly tell ourselves ALL babies would be better off with their genetic parents, and all parents who put their child up for adoption were misled and lied too?

Maxell, my post was not laced with venom. If it sounds strong it is because it is a real problem that effects mothers who have lost their babys. I am specificaly talking about mothers who lost their children because they tried to do the best for their children and were led to believe that adoption was the best thing, Not mothers who maybe had their babys removed at a later date as a consequence of abuse as this is a different issue.
I am just highlighting some of the reasons that mothers who have relinquished find it so hard to heal. People telling me I did the right thing did not help in any shape or form. It just compounded the my feelings of inadequacy over my ability to parent. Which I now know not to be true.
When I look at the reality of me losing my son. That sacrifice I made was decided on many untruths. The devastating effect it has had on my life being one untruth. I was told I would get over it and everyone would go on to have wonderful happy lives. This is a complete untruth. I went on to suffer from PTSD and depression. I never gotover it and the more mothers I met in my shoes, the more I realized how many adoption lies and myths there are.
As for my son, again how do I know and how does anyone else know what would of been best for my son. I have three lovely choldren now and most of the time I am an ok mum. No-one is perfect and thats ok.
I am surrounded by adoptees though. My husband, my father, who I met for the first time 2 months ago, my brother in law, my best friend and my daughters god father. and many more along the way. There are forums full of adoptees that are very unhappy indeed. All the above adoptees suffer from some form of addiction, father and brother in law, heroin addiction, friend and godfather , cocaine adiction, husband struggles with alchohol. He isn't as bad as the others but he certainly drinks to numb himself and is very emotionaly unavailable. We are in councellng so things are slowly improving. I talk and talk to adoptees. They have a myriad of different issues.
So my post is not filled with venom, it is filled with my observations about some of the realitys of adoption.
It was painful for me to except these realitys because it would be much nicer to live in the fluffy myths about how wonderful adoption is but I have seen a different side in the cold light of day.

It wasn't laced with venom, it was laced with emotions. I know it is sometimes difficult for men to understand us women because we are so vibrant with emotions. I saw hurt and sadness when I read her post not venom.