
Adoption Support Group
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Whether you are looking to adopt, putting your child up for adoption, parenting an adopted child, or just thinking about it, this is the place to discuss.

deleted_user
I had a baby when I was 16 years old. I gave the baby up for adoption.. Since then however, about 2 months after giving her up I ended up w/ panic attacks/anxiety/depression. But I'm not sure if thats the reason I got all those. I'm starting to wonder if I always had those issues. Anyway is there anyone out there with the same situation as me. When I came back home from giving her up, my parents "meant well" but wanted me to have a normal life again and well they decided to never talk about it again. It was good when I was young I thought, but over the years I've noticed that I break down every once awhile and it's horrible for me for months. I feel like such a bad person for what I have done. It's almost like I beat myself up constantly for it.... I would love to someday meet my child. But right now I don't. I have nothing to offer the child. I'm starting to come to terms with it in some ways, knowing that I was tooo young to care for a baby. The father was my first "love" and he could of cared less and left me. Well we really never really dated he just didn't care... I've been afraid to write on here cuz it's such a big secret and only my family "not all" and close friends know about it. But I'm tired of hiding and just want it to come out already....I guess I could go on and on just wondered if there was anyone on here that went thru the same thing????? Thanks :)
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I havn't been through the same thing, But I was adopted, and I am very greatful for it. You made the right desicion for both of you as you got to carry on with your life and the baby got what it needed. A baby is a lot of work. You are not a bad person. You are a lot braver and sensible than some mothers who just selfishly rais the child anyway, and it has a horrible time because the mother is not able to look after it propily. You child will understand this when they are older. You are not a bad person! Stay strong and if you need to rant, I'm here xxxxxxxx
Ms. Missy
No matter how much she searches her memories, she cannot find one. She too laments for someone she lost. It is called an attachment disorder. Even though she had years of contact with her birth mom, she still did not bond with her.
My daughter felt that it was her job to help her parents. When they failed, she felt that she had failed. You have given your child the chance to bond with her adoptive parents, something that I have had to fight for and something that is nessessary for her success in life. her whole future depends on the ablity to learn to love. You have given your baby the best chance at love that is possible. My children's parents were too young also as well as too high to be good parents. As you do, my oldest laments about the past and how she could have made things different. She dwells on how she could fix the past to the point that it interferes with life in the present and shapes her hopes for the future. She wants to go back and help mommy get better and to hear her say she loves her. You have spared your child this and are doing the suffering for her. I cannot tell you how precious a gift this is.
More than likely your daughter has been told that you were very young and that you gave her up so that she could have love and stability in her life. And more than likely, she is looking forward to meeting you when she is of age. You need to take a good look at yourself to see if you are the person that you want her to meet. Someone who will add a positive emotional force in her life. One that will be supportive of her goals and that will help her continue her ties with the people she has bonded with.
I have failed to mention the developmental issues children have when parents are not ready. My family knows first hand what this is about with all three of our children. you made a selfless decision to make sure that your child did not have to go through any of it. I applaud you for giving your very best which includes the grieving that you are going through. you are suffering this way so that she would never have to.
I thank you for that on her behalf and I wish you the best.
Like several others, I am on the opposite side....my birthmother gave me up for adoption when she was 16. She did the best possible thing she could for me...she gave me the best chance for a good normal life, something she could not even have come close to have given me when she was 16. You have done the best think you could have for your child.
I also would like to add that the thing I am most grateful to my birthmother for is life itself. I would not be on this earth if it were not for her (and God), and I am grateful to be alive.
I hope you would consider seeing a counselor, as these issues are hard to work out alone, or even on a support group like this.
I pray for God's grace and peace, that He would hold you close and let you know that you are loved and cared for.
Blessings,
Jan
2wks after my 18th birthday i found out i was pregnant, 6months, was to late to think or do anything.
Has anyone ever felt like their whole world has come crashing down?I did that day. Will never forget collapsin when the test come back as positive and my nan getting scared. Little did she know at the time that it would get worse.
I decided after thinking long and hard that i wasnt ready for a child, i was still a child myself. Not long left school, just had my first proper bf.
Ever since the day i gave birth ive constantly thought to myself will she hate me for it. Like i have the hate towards myself, i dnt deserve anything good to happen to me.
The reason ive joined this group is that in work today i broke down, ended up telling my boss my whole story. he said i need to get this of my chest.
The short version of the story is i was made homeless by my desision, my family totally cut me off, i went thro it all alone. Having to face the remarks ppl would say about me knowing i could hear them.
To this day i think im uncapable of loving someone or something, if i could give away my own daughter, what else am i capable of.
I have been given anti depresants by dr's, ive seen shrinks, ive tried everything i could think of, except for this.
How does everyone deal with this?I know we r all diff but im stuck in a rut and i would really like some advice.
Thanks for reading this
X
sorry if it makes no sence
X
Being made to believe that we had nothing to offer, were worthless as mothers. All the secrets and shame.
If only we had another option, to keep our children and be told that we were capable and worth it.
The reality is that I was sold a load of propaganda and lies in order to have my baby removed from me.
Abandoned by the people who should have supported me and threatened with all sorts. Made to keep it a dirty secret from most members of my family.
I too went through a period of telling everyone in order to heal. It didn't get my son back though and the pain of that knocks me on my arse regularly. I am overwhelmed by a deep sadness. Like my heart has been ripped out and I am unable to function.
This is called disenfranchised grief and it is common in mothers who have lost their children to adoption as there is no resolution to the grief. Your child is still out there so how can you grieve the loss of something that still excists.
If your baby died you would be able to grieve but adoption is the only loss of a child where you are expected by everyone around you to feel great about it because you have made some infertile couple into a family. You are totaly denied your grieving process right from the start. I too was told to shut up and get over it and not to mention it again. Oh what a suprise I have depressive episodes. Even then you are made to question yourself. Of course you would get depressive episodes you were never truly allowed to grieve.
Or have the support from the people around you who would traditionaly give support to any other mother who had lost a child.
How the hell do they know what the future holds for a young mother and their child. It just perpetuates the myth that babys are oh so better off with total strangers than they are with their real parents and that all young mothers are incapable of looking after their own children. I could put my hand on my heart and say it wouldn't be the mothers that relinquish their babys who would make crap parents because I believe fundementally they are doing what they are told is best for their baby. Even though evidence suggests that it is better for children to be brought up in their natural familys and not cut off from their roots.
Tonie10, there are many of us out here who understand what you have and continue to deal with. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find being here is helpful to you. It has been to me, I wish DS was around 10-15 years ago!
I am just highlighting some of the reasons that mothers who have relinquished find it so hard to heal. People telling me I did the right thing did not help in any shape or form. It just compounded the my feelings of inadequacy over my ability to parent. Which I now know not to be true.
When I look at the reality of me losing my son. That sacrifice I made was decided on many untruths. The devastating effect it has had on my life being one untruth. I was told I would get over it and everyone would go on to have wonderful happy lives. This is a complete untruth. I went on to suffer from PTSD and depression. I never gotover it and the more mothers I met in my shoes, the more I realized how many adoption lies and myths there are.
As for my son, again how do I know and how does anyone else know what would of been best for my son. I have three lovely choldren now and most of the time I am an ok mum. No-one is perfect and thats ok.
I am surrounded by adoptees though. My husband, my father, who I met for the first time 2 months ago, my brother in law, my best friend and my daughters god father. and many more along the way. There are forums full of adoptees that are very unhappy indeed. All the above adoptees suffer from some form of addiction, father and brother in law, heroin addiction, friend and godfather , cocaine adiction, husband struggles with alchohol. He isn't as bad as the others but he certainly drinks to numb himself and is very emotionaly unavailable. We are in councellng so things are slowly improving. I talk and talk to adoptees. They have a myriad of different issues.
So my post is not filled with venom, it is filled with my observations about some of the realitys of adoption.
It was painful for me to except these realitys because it would be much nicer to live in the fluffy myths about how wonderful adoption is but I have seen a different side in the cold light of day.