Before I go into my issue, here's a little backstory. Adoptive mom and maternal bio grandmother met in mid 80s in hospital. Became best friends. Adoptive mom helped finish raising my bio mom and aunt. Bio dad died 6months before my birth. I have an older bio brother, who's 2 years older. 4 older adoptive siblings. Bio mom was in and out of my life until I was 20 (almost 8 years ago), when she told me to have a nice life and "leave the boys and everyone else alone". 6 months after I was born and dropped off on adoptive moms doorstep, my bio mom took in her best friends 3 boys, one was newborn, and raised them. She regularly dropped me off on future adoptive moms door for her to watch me. She also had my brother for a good chunk of time. My bio mother had a half sister on her moms side, and two half sisters and a half brother on her dads side. I grew up very close to my aunt on my grandma's side, and only knew one aunt on my grandpa's side.
This past week, the one aunt on my grandpa's side that I knew, passed away. I haven't spoken to her or her husband in 7 years due to my bio mom giving me the boot. It wasn't what I wanted, but she had a way of making everyone's lives miserable, and it wasn't worth it to me to put them through that. As soon as I found out she was in the hospital on life support, I made a mad dash for hospital and spent a solid 24 hours trying to reach anyone on that side of the family to find out what happened, and what the plan was. I left my phone number in her hospital room. With nurses. I finally just went over to my aunt and uncles house to see him. We had a good long chat, and he didn't even realize that my bio mother told me to get lost, despite the fact that she was at their house all the time with them. On Friday they took her off life support, and she passed. My aunt (on grandma's side) and I have spent tons of time since then trying to find out when funeral will be. We've contacted cousins and friends and even the funeral director. Finally found out they aren't having any services, only cremating her and spreading her ashes. We saw the obituary though, which my bio mother wrote, and she purposely left both myself and my aunt out of it. She listed all of my cousins as surviving her, but not me. I'm 28 years old and I feel like this shouldn't affect me so much, especially since I actually said to my mother last night that I wouldn't be surprised if we got left out. And there we go. We were. And it kind of crushed me. I keep hoping that some day things will be better. That we will all get along. That she will love me. But now it just seems like she's acting as though I don't exist. And I've recently discovered that a lot of people didn't know she had 2 kids, not just my brother. It'll be 8 years in March since I've spoken to her, and everytime I pass her on the street, or her about her wanting to know how I am, or just anything.. It crushes me all over again. I know that my situation is unique in some ways. But I'm so tired of it all.
It seems as if my feelings are constantly contradicting each other. I want to be alone, but I'm sad when I'm lonely. I want to go out and have friends, but I'm scared to leave my house. I want to succeed in life and accomplish my goals, but I'm SO tired and just want to sleep my life away. I want to tell people what's wrong, but I don't want their advice. Idk...anyone else feel this way?
Im starting to believe im not worth it