Hello Everyone,

I am new to the group here. I would like to say that I am glad we all have a place to go to talk about different areas of our lives with the wonderful support groups that the DS owners have made for us! I would like to share a little of my story if I may. I say a little only because there are alot of details to them and if I told them all you would be reading till next week LOL. I do get kinda long winded at times. Sorry, I am just a writer at heart I guess. Anyway, I have had 3 children. All three of them have been placed for adoption. Two of them successfully, and one still in the process. My first child, a son, I had to place for adoption because I had nothing. I went through an organization in San Antonio that does open adoption. Even though in the state of Tx open adoption is not legal, it is built on faith and trust between the bparents and the aparents. The bparents get to choose from a huge pile of pictures and letters from the prospective parents. They have scheduled meetings times etc. My adoptive parents for my first son were amazing. We clicked right away. I still recieve emails and letters and pictures from them. The only reason I haven't seen him is because of money and my health. But I know if I could make it down there they would love to see me. They took him home from the hospital when he was 3 days old. My third child, my second son, was placed with my aunt, due to some issues I was having with his bfather. Her and my uncle had been trying to have a child and this was their oppurtunity. It was also during this time I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. With him being so young, it was better for him in all aspects to be with them. He was 1 1/2 when they adopted him. My middle child, my daughter, who is 5 almost 6 is the one who is in process. Mainly because of my health, I am having to place her with a friend of the family. It is hard for me because I am not allowed to see her or talk to her since this is making it difficult for her. But I want to take a moment to share how I am feeling so that maybe any of you who have been placed for adoption or are looking into adoption can see maybe a different perspective even though I am just one person and one story among millions.

There are times I wake up in a huge bought of dark depression and dispair. I weep bitterly and uncontrolablly for hours. I miss my children, especially my daughter. My first son doesnt even really know me. My second son, recognizes me but to him I am Auntie. And I weep so for my daughter because I have had her the longest. Don't get me wrong I miss all of my kids. I truly do. I wish for nothing more than to be able to change things so I could have kept each one of them. But with my daughter's situation it is so difficult because it is so out of my hands. I am having to do this for her betterment because of my health, which I have no control over. I worry late at night if she will remember me. If she will want to see me again later in life. I wonder if she will know that I loved her more than I could possibly say. I had to over come seeing her abusive bfather through her eyes when she was a baby. And when I got over that we bonded so close. I still hear her voice. I can still feel her arms around me. And every time I think of her I can't help but die a little inside. I die for all my kids. I feel like they are happier and healtier and that is what is best. I know logically it is the right thing to do. However, my heart is having such a hard time with all of this. To go from having three kids to having none. Now I can't have any more kids because of my health. I also have a fear of even if I could have more children there would be some reason as to why I coudln't keep them like what happened with the rest of them. Look, I haven't made the best decisions in my life. I know that. And trust me I am paying for it. But I am on the road to healing and forgiveness for myself and the others involved. THe hardest part will be forgiving myself. I am having a hard time coming to accepting that forgiveness. Because I am afraid if I do that it will mean that I never loved them. But I did and I still Do every day..every breath I take. My heart is soo broken I can't even begin to express it. I miss all of them so much. And I love them more than they will ever know. I worry that they will hate me one day. Or they will find me and go good grief no one she couldnt keep us. And even though I am working so very hard to keep myself healthy in all ways. Sometimes I wonder is it in vain? Will they even care about how I ever felt or thought about what happened to them and their lives? I just want them to know so badly how much I love them and need them and how much I fought with all I could to keep them. But in the end, I put my feelings aside as a mother, and did what I felt was best for them. I wanted them to have a better life than I could give to a family who couldn't have kids for one reason or another. On my good days, I see it as a blessing and a miracle that I was apart of. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself....I would love any comments or thoughts or feelings you may have...sorry I took up so much space... tink...i think i am gonna go have a good cry now