acoa sanctuary Community Group
The softer side of growing up in a dysfunctional home... a sanctuary to feel home with friends and never alone.
Yah Know... Sometimes I think that My Thoughts are Clouded by things that truly don't mean "Any"thing... And then I have moments were they just mean the world to me...
My Son, Who is 13 Lost his Bio Father when he was but 8 months old to a car wreck, so he has No Memory's of him at all...The only Photo's I have is some that I managed to get off his Mom after He had past... I would sit in Worry forever when it came to "How" I would keep J In his life... Even when he was gone...
I When My son was Really Small & Just Barely Talking we would look at pictures of "J" and I Would tell him that was Mommy's Friend and he was Kind enough Not only to Give me Him... But he Also gave My Son his Good Looks, Handsome Smile & Beautiful Heart... My Son Loved when we would talk about him, and because he was young I did not Fill him in on the details, it was something that I wanted to Explain completely when he was at an age to understand...
Well... before that Moment Could happen, a little Girl (Who's Mom *Spiteful* was Dating J When he Past) Told My Son that His Daddy was DEAD... And he would tell her, NO my Daddy is at home!!! He was 7 yrs old, this info in School devistated him, and when he got off the bus he just wanted to see my Husband, (That has raised him since birth) ... So once I Understood, I took my son that Day to the Grave Yard, with a Blanket, and we went and Laid on the Grave of his Daddy, and talked about "Who" He really was... That was one of the Hardest Days of my LIfe... Yet HP Was there... Even then...
See My Gr. Granpa Use to tell me everytime I found a Penny it was from Heaven... And he would smile... So for some reason, when I was at the Graveside of J I Felt Pap there, and tho me & My Son were Laying in the Middle of A Graveyard, with no trees around, on a blanket talking... Out of No Where... A Most Perfect White Feather, Falls from the Sky and almost Dances to the ground between us... And my Son Fasinated with watching this Feather Dance... Grins from Ear to Ear, and I Look at him and Say "You know Who that Is Don't You?" & he says "NO" & I Said: "Well thats Your Daddy Saying Hello From Heaven" :-) For What Ever Reason I Said it, It Stuck... Now when we See a Feather Dancing We both Look at Each other & Smile... Cause we know that is "J" Saying Hi...
Now "J's" Dad said it was too Hard for him to have a Relationship with my Son... That Is on Him!!! He said my Son was just a Painful Reminder that His Son was Gone... I Feel just the Opposite, I feel he is missing out on Seeing J in my son... But again that I can not Control... I told my son of him, I told him I had his Address & His Phone Number and if ever a time he wanted to speak to him I would help him... and J's Mom Lived about 900 Miles away, she came up and seen him as a Baby till he was 2 and then she too just never come back... I don't know Why she has never been in touch since & I don't have a Clue were she is... but while she was Here, She would bring my son gifts, books, Stuffed toys, and there was one that my Son took too Right away at 2... A Ment Green Fuzzy Bunny... For what Ever Reason, This Became his Security Blanket for Years to Come....Then at about 6 he had tucked it away somewere and I hadn't seen it for some time...
So this morning Walked into My 13 yrs olds rooom, (That I Don't Care to Enter Often)..lol.. And there hanging from his clothes rack is the One & Only Bunny that his G-Ma Got him... The one that for Years took being dragged by the ears across the Floor =) and I was just Overcome with Joy, that he STILL Remembers J... Still has Thoughts of him & His G-ma... I just think it is wonderful...
I at times get so wrapped up in things that "Dont Matter" that when HP gives me a Chance to Realize that Really... Its No Where NEAR that Bad! Its Accually Good... I Just Feel Blessed that I Can have Moments of Auhhh...I don't know why Seeing that Raggity Ol' bunny "Displayed" Made my Heart do Flip Flops, Really Can't tell ya, but for some reason, it did make me feel like, I"m not doing so Bad... And My Son too is Seening the "Little" things and Loving them for what they are...
I Remember before I got to Al-Anon/ACOA Beating myself up on a daily basis, about the loss of J... And was I doing Right by Even him, and My son... Now after being here a short time, I can now see that God needed another Angel that Day, and tho it wasn't what "I" Wanted for my Son, My Son is Still OK... He gets more Love then he can handle at times, and he knows I'm open to listen when he is ready to ask, So Just for Today... My Heart Is Over Flowing with Gratitude, Love, Peace, Acceptance, & Spirituallity... Today My Cup is Full.... One Moment at A Time ... =)
I have no Clue what Brought me to Share this with all of you today, this piece of my Puzzle.... But I Feel it will turn up when its ment too... I'm Am Truly Blessed on a Daily Basis, Not only by HP, but also by having all of you... Thanks for being here....
Thanks for Letting me Share....
My Son, Who is 13 Lost his Bio Father when he was but 8 months old to a car wreck, so he has No Memory's of him at all...The only Photo's I have is some that I managed to get off his Mom after He had past... I would sit in Worry forever when it came to "How" I would keep J In his life... Even when he was gone...
I When My son was Really Small & Just Barely Talking we would look at pictures of "J" and I Would tell him that was Mommy's Friend and he was Kind enough Not only to Give me Him... But he Also gave My Son his Good Looks, Handsome Smile & Beautiful Heart... My Son Loved when we would talk about him, and because he was young I did not Fill him in on the details, it was something that I wanted to Explain completely when he was at an age to understand...
Well... before that Moment Could happen, a little Girl (Who's Mom *Spiteful* was Dating J When he Past) Told My Son that His Daddy was DEAD... And he would tell her, NO my Daddy is at home!!! He was 7 yrs old, this info in School devistated him, and when he got off the bus he just wanted to see my Husband, (That has raised him since birth) ... So once I Understood, I took my son that Day to the Grave Yard, with a Blanket, and we went and Laid on the Grave of his Daddy, and talked about "Who" He really was... That was one of the Hardest Days of my LIfe... Yet HP Was there... Even then...
See My Gr. Granpa Use to tell me everytime I found a Penny it was from Heaven... And he would smile... So for some reason, when I was at the Graveside of J I Felt Pap there, and tho me & My Son were Laying in the Middle of A Graveyard, with no trees around, on a blanket talking... Out of No Where... A Most Perfect White Feather, Falls from the Sky and almost Dances to the ground between us... And my Son Fasinated with watching this Feather Dance... Grins from Ear to Ear, and I Look at him and Say "You know Who that Is Don't You?" & he says "NO" & I Said: "Well thats Your Daddy Saying Hello From Heaven" :-) For What Ever Reason I Said it, It Stuck... Now when we See a Feather Dancing We both Look at Each other & Smile... Cause we know that is "J" Saying Hi...
Now "J's" Dad said it was too Hard for him to have a Relationship with my Son... That Is on Him!!! He said my Son was just a Painful Reminder that His Son was Gone... I Feel just the Opposite, I feel he is missing out on Seeing J in my son... But again that I can not Control... I told my son of him, I told him I had his Address & His Phone Number and if ever a time he wanted to speak to him I would help him... and J's Mom Lived about 900 Miles away, she came up and seen him as a Baby till he was 2 and then she too just never come back... I don't know Why she has never been in touch since & I don't have a Clue were she is... but while she was Here, She would bring my son gifts, books, Stuffed toys, and there was one that my Son took too Right away at 2... A Ment Green Fuzzy Bunny... For what Ever Reason, This Became his Security Blanket for Years to Come....Then at about 6 he had tucked it away somewere and I hadn't seen it for some time...
So this morning Walked into My 13 yrs olds rooom, (That I Don't Care to Enter Often)..lol.. And there hanging from his clothes rack is the One & Only Bunny that his G-Ma Got him... The one that for Years took being dragged by the ears across the Floor =) and I was just Overcome with Joy, that he STILL Remembers J... Still has Thoughts of him & His G-ma... I just think it is wonderful...
I at times get so wrapped up in things that "Dont Matter" that when HP gives me a Chance to Realize that Really... Its No Where NEAR that Bad! Its Accually Good... I Just Feel Blessed that I Can have Moments of Auhhh...I don't know why Seeing that Raggity Ol' bunny "Displayed" Made my Heart do Flip Flops, Really Can't tell ya, but for some reason, it did make me feel like, I"m not doing so Bad... And My Son too is Seening the "Little" things and Loving them for what they are...
I Remember before I got to Al-Anon/ACOA Beating myself up on a daily basis, about the loss of J... And was I doing Right by Even him, and My son... Now after being here a short time, I can now see that God needed another Angel that Day, and tho it wasn't what "I" Wanted for my Son, My Son is Still OK... He gets more Love then he can handle at times, and he knows I'm open to listen when he is ready to ask, So Just for Today... My Heart Is Over Flowing with Gratitude, Love, Peace, Acceptance, & Spirituallity... Today My Cup is Full.... One Moment at A Time ... =)
I have no Clue what Brought me to Share this with all of you today, this piece of my Puzzle.... But I Feel it will turn up when its ment too... I'm Am Truly Blessed on a Daily Basis, Not only by HP, but also by having all of you... Thanks for being here....
Thanks for Letting me Share....
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When I started my journey to get out fo debt, I felt nothing but shame. It was 2010 and I was in my 50's. I should have had a nice nest egg headinbg into my retirement but instead I was $65,000 in the hole, with no savings, a small 401K, and a credit score of 375. I got divorced, moved into a small apartment, and began a new life with no sense of entitlement. I was broke, no one would...
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I admit I have a shopping/spending addiction. Last night, my car was repossessed. I sat there for hours trying to come up with a lie that could make it not my fault, then it dawned on me....this is 100% my fault. I spent money that was budgeted for my car on spontaneous shopping that made me uber happy at the time. I am about $40,000 in debt right now. I'm working on my list or where I owe...
That was such an incredibly lovely story you shared. When I read your posts, I get such a feeling of spirituality, and wisdon, prespective and think your son is incredibly lucky to have such a grounded mother. I spend so much time really struggling with perspective and when I read your posts, you seem to always hit the nail on the head. Even when you start at one end of the journey in the pouring rain, you seem in your posts, to always be able to find your wayto the end of the rainbow with the pot of gold.
Thank YOU for sharing.
M
I"m Sorry but I had to Chuckle when I read your Post... I LOVED What you said, however NEVER In my LIfe has Anyone ever Viewed Me as Grounded =) *Smiling* ...
My Thing with sharing is, its the Only Why I know how to "Get it out" Is on paper, If you were standing in front of me I struggle with Words to come out right, but when it is just Me & HP & Writting tools, it just makes more sence to me :)
My Hope is to Remain Possitive in my Life, my shares, my Son, & Family's Life, I Feel that there is So Much to be Negative about, that it is "Crouded" Happiness & Faith & Love & Acceptenance is a Much Happier Place to be... Without that & my Sense of Humor, I don't know were I would be... Or WIthout ALL Of you... I Feel Very Blessed to be apart of such a Place... with such Beautiful People....
((((((((A1)))))))))
You are Very Welcome, I"m Glad your Here with us, and growing right along side the rest of us... All Great things...
Love, Hugs & Prayers.... 1Ness....
One day my son jumped up and down outside and came runnning in the house telling me "daddy knows i got good grades" I was perplexed and a little worried so i followed him outside and he showed me the star....It was fading in and out so my son decided that was daddy winking...lol
Today, i understand that my HP knows my ability, my stength and my heart. He will not lead me to paths I can not cross. I have amazing teenagers for the most part who are grounded, secure in themselves and a blessing to me.
Oh i so relate to your share! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for letting me remember these amazing blessings.
As always you have left me speechless... your words just come to life and they never disappoint... every word delivers such wonderful and powerful messages.
J could have left your son a trust with millions of dollars that he may never have truly appreciated... but I bet he will never forget the day you two spent together... along with that feather.
And a teenager holding on to a bunny... wow... he has learned from you the value of simple things to keep the memories alive... memories that will last you both a lifetime...
Thank you for sharing this lovely story,
Dave
Out of Re-Reading I had to add what My Son told me that Day at 7 While sitting there on the ground, at the graveyard....as we were getting ready to go... He looked up at me with his Beautiful Green Eyes, and Says... "Soooo Mom... I Guess I Kinda Lucky then Right?" Me... trying to figure out what in the World he was Talking about just said.. "How do ya Mean?" He said "Well... I have a Daddy Up in Heaven Looking Over Me, & a Daddy here on Earth Taking Care of me, That Makes Me Pretty Lucky Since I have Two Right????" As the Tears Rolled down my face I remember hugging him and says... "You are Exactly Right!!! You are One Lucky Boy!!! "
Now who would have thought that the Little boy I was so Affraid of Hurting with this Tragic News, would take it at (7) Better then I did!!!! That is Another Reason Why I Know God Exists, I know that My HP Looks out for me and his for him... THAT Alone is what helps me sleep at night...
I also Have learned that thru Trials & Tribulations, we find the strength to Be Who we are Ment to Be, as we do thru Joy & Happiness... So when Fear Creaps Up, I know NOW... "This too Shall Pass" and for each Fear sooner or later, Acceptance will Come... Right along with My Growth to make it to the next step...
Thanks again Guys... your Support is Unbelieivable & Very Much Appriceated :-) Love & Prayers to all....