Hello Katebear,

I am happy to say that we have very caring and open sponsors here in England too! Not only here but in Scotland, Wales, Ireland and all over the world! They have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Steps and "one cap fits all" in this regard - as diverse as we are in culture or personality.

My experience is that most people feel quite honoured when you ask them to be your sponsor it tells them you respect their quality of sobriety and it is an act of trust from you. If they ever refuse you (uncommon) it is only because they are being considerate of you they may have some sponsees already and not have enough time to give you as a consequence.

My own sponsor has given me a lot of quality time and good direction without getting personally involved in my life which is the way I wanted it..

I know for a fact that she is always willing to talk with family members of her sponsees. She always has a chat with my son when he attends an open meeting with me.

I recall an occasion when I was in a crisis and really needed to see my sponsor. She came immediately and I found out later that she had just got in from work, was coming down with the flu and getting ready for bed when I called her. I remember thinking she didnt look very well but she didnt say anything and then I found out later that she had just got dressed again and rushed to my aid. I was amazed at her selflessness. I felt humble and grateful.

I know from my sponsors other sponsees, who have had the need to call her virtually every day, that she is always available to them. If she is just on her way out etc, she makes specific arrangements to speak with them at a later time.

I hope this gives you an idea!

Thanks Gail, that is brilliant to hear...I guess I need to get talking to more people prior to the meetings. I did the washing up last time to try to get this to happen after but everyone dashed off. I shall make more effort :)

Hi kb, I am a sponsor in the UK and I will spend a lot of time with my sponsees taking them through the steps. I generally meet with my sponsees at a regular time once a week and they can always call me/meet up in between times if they need help.

I do bear in mind though that my job is as a sponsor not an agony aunt, therapist, marriage guidance counsellor, financial advisor etc etc. I dont get involved in solving all my sponsees problems and certainly dont try and help with things I know nothing about and am not qualified for.

My relationship with each sponsee grows differently but I always remember three things - my primary purpose is to take them through the steps, they are not my responsibility, I am not there to make decisions about their lives.

My relationship with my sponsor was the same. She spent many hours taking me through the steps and was the first person I ever had a healthy, honest relationship with. We have now become great friends and she is no longer just a sponsor for me, but at the beginning the focus was on the steps and she dedicated a huge amount of time to taking me through them.

Hopefully you will find a sponsor who will give you the time you need. We are out there!!

I love the way Nicky explained that - she has all the correct information on what a sponsor should be.

No sponsor is professionally qualified - they are just passing on what was given to them. I must say there is also a caveat with this - some sponsor/sponsee relationships are sometimes not so successful.

I had two sponsors before my current one. The first one I asked did not follow the Big Book way - i.e. seemed to holding back from taking me through the Steps, saying she had to really get to know me first and I felt she was being really intrusive in my decisions in general - I believe we were both at fault there - I did not know there were questions to ask a potential sponsor and how to look to see how their sobriety was. We fell out and I "fired" her. Pretty soon after we agreed we were not a good combination and I apologised to her.

My second sponsor and I were great friends, even went on a short holiday together and that sort of thing - too much of a good thing because she found it hard to be direct with me for fear of offending and I was her first sponsee. She got a bit too involved in my relationships and reacted emotionally rather than spiritually. We saw that her being my sponsor did not work very well - I guess it was a bit like asking your sister to be your sponsor so we agreed that the sponsor thing would come to an end before it affected our friendship.

My third sponsor was my second sponsor's sponsor and it has worked out brilliantly.

I am thinking of the things you need to consider when choosing a sponsor and hope other people with longer sobriety than me will help out.

I guess you need to agree before the start that it is okay to change sponsor if you feel something is not right, that you discuss how often you should be in contact, what you feel about religion and spirituality etc - just a general agreement between the two of you about your expectations.

Sometimes, if you are struggling with finding a permanent one, a temporary sponsor could be your answer if they are Steps-focussed and then see what you both feel afterwards - to continue the sponsor/sponsee relationship or not.

The main thing, as Nicky pointed out in another post, is to ask "Have you had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps?" You can also ask a potential sponsor if they take their sponsees through the Steps "the Big Book way" i.e. do they do it as soon as possible.

Hey Kateb Rest assured that sponsors who will spend quality time with their sponsees are alive and kicking in AA in the UK! It's not always the case and often people sponsor others from their own experience of being sponsored themselves and so it someyimes loses something in the translation!!

The people who sponsor in that way, whether in the UK or US or Canada or anywhere are about the same percentage whatever country you are in!

I see my job as a sponsor to be solely to do with taking a sponsee through the steps. However, that does not mean that I don't make helpful suggestions to my sponsees about how to get help for other problems. One of the things about being sober for a logn period of time is that I have lived that way for longer, so I have picked up helpful stuff along the way. So, if for example one of my sponsees has a lot of debt issues I can suggest that they try the Citizens Advice Bureau and so on. So long as I don't think I can be a 'one-stop shop' for all thyat ails my sponsees we should both be ok!

That thing about sponsors going round to talk to the family, is all part of 12th step work, it talks about the family in chapter 7 of the Big Book as it relates to telling them about AA etc.

I am always happy to do this when I go to 12th step smeone, in fact I did it on Tuesday, I went to 12 step a woman and she said her husband was upstairs and had a few questions would I talk to him? Well, of course, so he came down and we sat for about 20 minutes and he asked all that he wanted to, it set his mind at rest and confirmed his wife would not be spirited away into a cult! He also wanted to know how to deal with his wife,s hould he drink in front of her etc. I talked about that stuff and gave him the number for alanon.

It's also important to remember that the 12th step was originally going to say 'Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.'

Hope this is helpful to you.

Lyn

Ok, I think you all demonstrate to me that I do need to get to another meeting other than the one in my village and I thank you all for your input very much. I think I was worried of 'bothering someone' in our true 'Brit way' but it seems if someone wants to help then AA will be the first thing on their mind and how they can help others. Thanks for the tip on 'spiritual awakening'...I would never ever have the confidence to ask this without 'back up' advice.

Katebear:
Until you do find a sponsor, PLEASE listen to Joe and Charlie "bring the big book alive" from this link >>
http://www.londonppbbs.com/websitesofinterest

Please get your big book and a highlighter pen and mark what you IDENTIFY with as u listen along.

these are two of the greatest AA's to help keep THE program, as outlined in the Big Book, Alive.

After you have listened to these two old guys, maybe try to "hear" if there are similar sounding AA's in your neck of the woods.

God Bless

Kate,

I too, in the "true brit" way did not want to bother anybody and kept things bottled up until I went to a meeting where I poured my misery onto others and they likewise did to me.

About 18 months ago a man (not a sponsor because he said he was far too busy looking after his own sobriety to sponsor anybody) offerred to take, sorry that should be "show" (his words) me the steps and for the next 8 weeks we spent about a hour a week (that was enough so I was told) discussing the Serenity Prayer and the Preamble. Never once was the bb or steps mentioned. I got out of there pretty sharpish.

I live on a Scottish island where sponsorship is almost non existant, where you go to meetings and not only do you never hear any reference to the bb, steps or program, you don't even see the bb in some.

When I asked about sponsorship at what was my home group, I was told to wait until I was 3 years sober by "just come to meetings and don't drink" then think about sponsor ship and the steps but not until then. I had already tried that clever idea for 6 years and was very close to death about 14 months ago, but yet I still got the same message when I returned to this group after 6 weeks in hospital.

I was lucky. I remembered a man who was very much a bb man, right into the program and the steps. he runs the only recovery based group on the island where you can share on steps, program and bb without ridicule. That man is now my sponsor. We have had a few blips, but we are only human, we go to at least two f2f meetings every week together, call each other most days and meet up several times a week. So there are sponsors in the UK who go the extra mile.

My sponsor is my sponsor as regards Aa though, not any other form of counsellor and neither do I go to Aa to unload all my life problems as I once did and was encouraged to do. What misery I must have poured on others during that time.

I have recently recovered and a large part of that is due to good sponsorship which is alive and well in the UK. (See Nicky and Lyn's posts)

Regards

Iain

Thank you all for the information, insights and the pointers you have given me about meetings here in the UK. I do know I am unable to do this on my own and so want to be able to surrender to my disease and start my recovery.

Kate,

What botbotcoco posted about listening to Joe and Charlie with your big book is absolutely spot on until you get a sponsor. That is what he told me to do and I was amazed at how much I learned by reading and listening to these guys.

GB

Iain

Thanks Iain. Unfortunately I dont have speakers for my computer so Ron recommended I reread the first four chapters of the BB which is what I need to do as need to get refocused and I remember being so positive when I read them before and was 8 days sober before falling.