aa Spoken Here Community Group
Fellowship Where you can share your thoughts, feelings, stories and get support to gain and continue sobriety.
I read what Alice wrote, it was so sad. I have been here before, even spoke to someone on the phone. It has been a while now and I am still drinking. I always hear about reaching rock bottom and then you are able to begin your way out. I have had so many of them but I always drink to escape my bottoms. I have become an expert at hiding, to protect my family, my job and above all, myself. I lost my dog of fourteen years last year and if not for my new baby, I most likely would have given up on life already but now I have my new baby, I thought she would erase my pain. She has given me reason to go on but the pain is still there. I want to change but at the same time, I don't want to give up the only thing that gives me comfort, alcohol. I can not imagine an entire day without it. I used to be able to go a day without, now, I can't. I don't know where to begin. My mind is a fog and I am so afraid of everything. I am embarassed that I have asked for help here before and have done nothing to follow up. I am scared to go to a meeting, it takes a drink just to go to the store. I feel old, and like my youth is gone and I will never be pretty again. I am 38 and alone, just me and my dog's and afraid that I will never be with a man again. My ex's still try to be with me but they are half the reason I am where I am at. I don't want to be with them but I don't want to be alone anymore either. I know that I am at the end and I have to do something, I just don't know how.
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
As Stephen says, it all about simplicity. In my experience we do our first step out there drinking. In order to complete your first step you need to get a good understanding of your disease, as follows:
1) Can you control the amount you drink once you put the first drink of the day inside you? If not, you may be the victim of a physical allergy to alcohol which manifests in a physical craving for more booze. This is the idea of being powerless over alcohol, you cannot mentally control a physical illness (eg i cannot wish away diabetes - it's an enzymatic disease just like alcoholism).
2) Have you ever stopped drinking? How badly did you want to stay stopped? How successful were you? If you were unable to stay stopped, what was going through your head in the moments just before picking up the first drink? Were you able to remember all the pain and suffering and bad consequences caused by drinking last time? Was that memory strong enough and vivid enough to stop you picking up?
If your memory and therefore mental defences failed you repeatedly, like they did for me, then you may be suffering from a mental illness - an alcoholic mind or mental obsession - which seems to be the buzz word of AA. THIS and this alone is your main problem if you experience it. The reason? Well anyone can stop drinking, not very few can stay stopped and because of the physical aspect of the disease, it will eventually kill us, just like sugar kills a diabetic. Instead of having you legs amputated or damaged retinas etc on the road to diabetic death, the side effects are complete misery and insanity on the road to alcoholic death.
Some other things to consider:
a) Why does a couple of drinks tend to look good for you? What is the effect that makes you feel "I don't want to give up the only thing that gives me comfort, alcohol". What is missing? How are you feeling inside? Is your internal life fulfilling?
b) Have you reached a point yet where alcohol doesn't seem to fix these internal fellings of isolation and desperation, of something missing? That's a horrible frightening place, I can assure you...
c) If you can see all that and have given it some thought - do you believe it will ever get better? Do you believe that all this will just magically one day rectify itself? Do you believe you will ever feel happy inside and just drink normally and moderately?
d) Have you spoken to alcoholics so that they can tell you their story to see if things just magically get better without action?
d) If you can see you are doomed, and if you are a real alcoholic, believe me when i say you are DOOMED, do you believe that I am sat here now, free of most of those horrible feelings, with no desire to drink and sober for almost 2 years?
e) Interested in how I got here? Interested in how we all got here? How interested? WHAT ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO FOR FREEDOM FROM YOUR CONDITION?