They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken...

(with apologies in advance if I offended anybody)

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,the class was over.

A doctor goes to a bar every day and orders an almond daiquiri to help relieve workday stress. The bartender is used to the doctor's visits, so he prepares the almond daiquiri in advance and has it ready when the doctor arrives. One day he notices that he is out of almonds, and substitutes hickory nuts. The doctor comes in, sips the daiquiri, and shrivels up his face, saying, "This almond daiquiri tastes terrible." The bartender says, "Why, that's no almond daiquiri; it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!" (the mouse ran up the clock)

too cute Beaumont!

My all time favorite doc joke goes something like this:

A man walks into a doctors office and says, "Hey doc! It's hurts when I do this." The doctor examines him thoroughly and sends him off for labs and diagnostic tests. Then the doctor bills his insurance. The doctor returns to the patient and says, "Don't do that!"


Most people dont find that as hilarious as I do so here is another version:

Man In Bad Shape
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city.

He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."



I think the haberdasher is less expensive, if you find one LOL!

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologistâ??s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and Iâ??m worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "Thatâ??s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You donâ??t, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "Itâ??s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologistâ??s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and Iâ??m worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You donâ??t, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologistâ??s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "Thatâ??s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "Itâ??s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1, press 1, press 1, press 1,... If you co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, and 5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice inside your head will tell you which number to press. If you are paranoid, please stay on the line; we know who you are and we will come to get you. All other callers, please remain on hold until you lose your mind, too. Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

"The doctor is to be feared more than the disease." -Latin Proverb

Those were all so funny.

Three doctors were on their way to a convention when their car had a flat. They got out and examined the tire. The first doctor said, "I think it's flat." The secone doctor examined it closely and said, "It sure looks flat." The third doctor felt the tire and said, "It feels like it's flat." All three nodded their heads in agreement. "We'd better run some tests."

A woman accompanied her husband when he went for his annual checkup. While the patient was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to the wife, "I don't like the way he looks." "Neither do I," she said. "But he's handy around the house."

OH --THIS WAS SOO-O-O-O-O-O GOOD!!!!!