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FallenAngel 
It's been a very hard weekend for me. I've been crying on and off for the better of three days now. Yesterday and today have been the worst. I was already feeling bad yesterday when my brother-in-law called to tell me about the memorial service they had for Gene up at the racetrack a couple of weeks ago. Gene raced motocycles on and off for more than 20 years, more on lately than off. I know it was really hard for him to call me and tell me about it. Aside from Paul and I, he is the one who misses Gene the most. They were very close so I know how hard it was for him to go to the racetrack for the first time without Gene. Anyway, about 20 of the racers got together and told their favorite stories about Gene. Oh how I wish I had had the strength to be there, but I just wasn't ready to face it. I started crying on the phone and felt so bad because I know how hard it is on him, too. We talked for a half an hour and when I got off the phone I called my son and I was crying so hard but I really needed to hear his voice. I try so hard not to lean on him but yesterday and just needed him. The poor kid--all he kept saying was "breathe, mom, breathe" and I just kept telling him how sorry I was for calling him like that. Finally pulled myself together and went out and started weeding the garden. Next thing I know, my son is here. He gave me a giant hug just like his dad used to do. I'm so grateful to have such a loving, wonderful child.
It's overcast here today and I'm almost hoping for rain so I don't have to go wash my car. I need to decide what to cook for the kids tomorrow night and then get to the grocery store. I'm just taking it moment by moment right now. I woke up crying and decided to just go back to sleep then didn't get up until 10:30. Now it's noon and I haven't accomplished anything and don't know that I will. Taking small steps today.
Comments
My heart was breaking when I read the beginning of your journal but then when I got to the part about your son showing up I broke into a big smile. He is indeed a wonderful child! Keep taking those baby steps and when they hurt too much - stop and give yourself a break. Don't try to hurry through this, it's not a good thing. You don't have to move forward every single hour of the day, you're allowed to stop and "breathe" every now and then - you have to. I hope things get a little better after this holiday weekend is over. You're in my thoughts and my prayers...hugs, Judi
JudiB
Hi Carol,
I think the memorial to Gene must have been beautiful, but completely understand why you could not attend.
Your son is a wonderful person!! Thank God, that we have our children, I don't know what I would without mine. My oldest, who is only 20 years younger than me, is more like my best friend than my daughter. She is such a beautiful human being as is my youngest who still lives with me. My son is great with phone calls but doesn't come around too much. He actually took Rich's passing the hardest of the three and I think coming here brings up too many memories for him, so I forgive!
As for the crying, you are never alone. I cry so often and I long for Rich every day. I have come to accept the tears and don't care when I feel the need to cry.
Just know how much I care and how much I am "with you" every day!
Love & Peace to you always, Mo
wizmo
Hi Carol - I'm glad you have your son close by. He sounds like a pretty great guy. My youngest (21) still lives at home and I don't know what I'd do without him some days. He tells me to breathe a lot, too.
We made it through another holiday....the long weekends seem to be the hardest for me, at least, because then I have that extra day to think about too many things. I slept late every day this weekend, too, something I don't usually do. The stress we're all going through wears us out, and sleep is a good thing right now. Hang in there...like everyone else said, it's okay to not move forward all the time. Sending love & prayers your way, Judy
JudysWorld