Journal

Well, my motherhas moved in with me.  The hospital would not release her to live on her own anymore and wanted to send her to a rehabilitation facility.  I literally had 2 hours to make a decision on what to do and I chose to have her come here.  It's been a real challenge these last two weeks.  She refused to work with the physical therapist, so he won't be coming back.  My brother came out from Ohio to help me out for a week and realized for the first time what a handful she is to take care of.  He left on Saturday, and I really miss him. 

But I'm reallly missing Gene.  I cried on my way to work yesterday.  Just couldn't hold it back any longer.  I don't know how I'm going to get through the holidays.  I just want them to be over with.  I will be cooking for Thanksgiving and will have my son and mother here.  I know it's not going to be easy for either Paul or I this first Thanksgiving without  Gene, but I'll try to make the best of it.  I've been looking through catalogs and keep seeing things I would have bought for Gene, then I remember he's gone and the pain comes flooding back.  It's been over seven months now, and the pain still runs so deep.  

When the grief hits, it hits hard.  I had a really bad day yesterday and spent most of the day in bed sleeping just trying to escape the pain that was so overwhelming.  I seem to be doing a little better today and now have to play catch up on all my chores.  On top of that, my mother has been in the hospital since Friday.  She's doing ok.  Unfortunately she refuses to take her water pill as prescribed and ends up with fluid build up around her heart and lungs.  She's fallen twice in the last two weeks and I've had to get the fire department out to help me get her up.  She's too heavy for me to pick up on my own and has limited use of her legs, so it's all dead weight.  I just don't know how much more her body can take. 

I find myself unable to even think about Gene without breaking down.  The pain is so deep and consuming.  Still haven't touched his clothes or any of his personal things.  I just can't bear the thought of going through it all yet.  

I've managed to get all the firewood moved and stacked.  What a job that was.  But it was another mindless task that kept my mind busy.  Now I've got to start finding things inside to do although raking leaves will keep me busy for quite some time.  

It's been raining here for days now and the gloom doesn't help my mood much at all.  I'm missing Gene a lot this morning.  I keep a stack of pictures of him in the drawer next to my bed.  When I feel strong enough I pull them out.  This morning I'm not feeling so strong.  I've got company coming today.  Some of my husbands race buddies are going to help me go through some of the stuff in the garage.  Tomorrow night is dinner with the kids.  I'm going to make pasta with sausage and meatballs.  Tuesday night is grief counseling, so I'll be busy for the next couple of days.  And I've still got that stack of wood in the driveway to deal with.  Hope it stops raining soon so I can get it all moved.

My mother fell last night and I had to go over and call 911 to get someone to come out and get her up.  She has limited use of her legs and I just can't lift her.  The firemen came out and got her back in to her scooter.  I was going to take myself to dinner last night but I didn't get back until late so I decided I'll do it next weekend.  

Oh Gene, do you know how much I miss you?  Do you know how much I love you?  My life will never be the same again without you here.  I'm doing the best I can but just the thought of you brings tears flowing and my heart breaks all over again. The kids have been great in helping me through.  They all miss you too, especially Danny, believe it or not.  He looked up to you and you were his inspiration for becoming a mechanic.  Paul is doing so well, but like me, he has his moments.  You will stay in our hearts forever.