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About Me
faith07
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About Me
I am so complex yet so simple and I can't figure out life. I worry about my future because I thought I would be a different person than I am now and the future scares me. I am tired of feeling so sad and like something is wrong with me. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am alone so much of the time now and even when I am around people, I don't know how to let them in. Usually no one will ever have a clue that there is anything wrong; I am a GREAT actress and very stoic. When people do find out how much anxiety and shyness I have and how I feel about myself, they are floored. I don't know how much longer I can keep acting though. I am already really withdrawn from public and want so bad to have friends and "play", but I just don't have the desire to try anymore. It seems like I am most *comfortable* around people that are not nice deep down; it is like I expect people to hurt me so I subconsciencely seek them out. I am terrified of conflict so I become the ultimate people pleaser and doormat at great expenses. It is just so sad because my mom is so much like this and I don't want to repeat her life. I know I had the potential to be much more and it feels like that is just slipping away. I have suffered from social anxiety since childhood and I would do things that scared me, but forced me to be literally in the spotlight to try and combat this fear. I used to model, work trade shows, cocktail waitress, show animals, went to college, etc. and now after so many years of being around people that were abusive and not having too much support (or knowing how to get it), I feel like I am falling into an abyss, like 'this is it, this is my life, just accept it'. I feel like I won't ever be "normal" or ever be able to trust people or let them in. I have been coined "stuck up" before, but it is only because of the way I feel about myself that I don't "get to know people" (I don't know how to do that on anything more than the artificial surface level!!!), if people only knew! It is funny, I have rescued so many animals of all kinds over the years...now I need someone to rescue me. So much has happened in my life that hopefully I will be able to share some of it here--that's a huge step for me and I don't know if I am ready for it yet...
I am so complex yet so simple and I can't figure out life. I worry about my future because I thought I would be a different person than I am now and the future scares me. I am tired of feeling so sad and like something is wrong with me. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am alone so much of the time now and even when I am around people, I don't know how to let them in. Usually no one will ever have a clue that there is anything wrong; I am a GREAT actress and very stoic. When people
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Interests
I love my son and talking to him and trying to help him navigate these teen years. I love animals, especially horses--I have one. I love exotic cars--would like to race them--even at the local drag racing! I would love to drive a Lamborghini one day!!! I like sport fishing. I am a vegetarian and used to be more involved in animal rights. I like dirtbikes and wouldn't mind getting one sometime. I want to join a trap league. I like to dance (when I have enough to drink!), but haven't done that in a long time and I used to want to be a singer if it wasn't for this disabling fear and anxiety. That I just couldn't force myself to do.
I love my son and talking to him and trying to help him navigate these teen years. I love animals, especially
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Journal
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Hugbook
Good Luck
Inderal doesn't make me tired. No mood changes or swings. There's no withdrawal. I use 10 mg whenever my heart feels like it's racing. I use 20 mgs to stop a panic attack in its tracks. It's wonderful! It just blocks adrenaline to stop the panic. The only problems I have is that I have lower blood pressure, so I am careful and just take the 10 mg tablets as needed. When I tried to take it extended release, it dropped my blood pressure too low. That's it! I have started taking Geodon with it. (There are two other catecholamines (fight-or-flight chemicals) and Geodon helps with them.) This gives it a more holistic approach to stopping PTSD. As you feel comfortable with taking the propranolol over the next weeks, you might want to ask about Geodon and Serzone, to completely knock out the PTS symptoms. Of course, it still takes therapy to get off medication permanently. ;)
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Flower
I hope you had a great Thanksgiving! I wish the email notices were being sent so that you know WE ARE THINKING OF YOU! :)
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Prayer
Thinking about you and hoping things get better soon! :)
Hug
You're welcome, thank you! Glad you're doing better. You're sweet to send that back to me and more. :) Luv and Hugs to you, Mari
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Flower
Hope you feel better. Sending you sunshine to brighten your weekend. Take good care, Mari
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Photos
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Support Groups
Close Anxiety
I have had social anxiety and "what if" worrying since childhood. I am tired of this prison.
Treatments
- Klonopin Working / Worked
- Takes the edge off.
- Physical Exercise Working / Worked
- Helps temporarily.
Open Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Can't right now.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Rape Counseling Somewhat Helpful
Open Eating Disorders
Type: AnorexiaSig. other used to call me fat as a form of control years ago which really damaged me. I was never fat, just tall (5'10"--130 pounds then, now I am 120 pounds)He is very insecure about outer appearances/what people think and I feel like I have to be the Barby Doll all the time. I hate Barby Dolls!
Open Families & Friends Of Addicts
My SO is an alcoholic/pot addict and for years our son and myself endured his behaviors and LIES that go along with it. I am trying my hardest to trust other people for help and to climb out of being so shame-based due to his alcoholism/addiction behaviors. He is trying harder right now to stop this; we'll see how it goes...
Treatments
- Patience Working / Worked
- Running out of it though and scared there is nowhere else for my son and I to go.
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- Talking Working / Worked
- My family listens when they can.
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Friends
