Journal

My divorce was final today.  I had no problem keeping my composure during the hearing or speaking with ex afterwards about dealing with our former residence.  I sort of expected to feel free or relieved or something along those lines.  I feel a little sad but that's it.  I fear that its the calm before the storm.  I guess its possible I've actually worked through this in the last six months of therapy.  That would be great.

I slept a little better last night and my mood slowed down a little today.  I had to speak with stbx a bit about the impending eviction of the people renting our former residence and how we're going to deal with it afterwards.  He mentioned that he is trying to get a full-time job at the police department where he was working part time and that he is considering doing some sort of logging work with a friend to earn extra money.  I said I can't help with the payments because I'm lucky to work my regular 40 hours and get a full paycheck.  He said "I understand."  My reaction was to rethink my decision to divorce (for about the millionth time).  Then I started thinking.  Wait a second.  When we were living together he was working part time hours, making part time money, using my health insurance, and constantly giving me a hard time about missing work.  He was able to take his dream vacation of a 9 day hunting trip to Colorado (twice) but I couldn't ever go on vacation because I didn't have any time off saved up.  I think I'm doing pretty damn good to hold down a full-time professional position while dealing with bipolar disorder and raising three teenagers.  Of course he always complained the two oldest were hoodlums and, of course, it was my fault.  And I was depressed because I was fat.  It wasn't the medicine either.  I needed to eat better and go to the gym (like  him - NOT).  It was also my weak mind.  People who are mentally disciplined like him don't need to take psychiatric medication.  Wait a minute, NOW I remember why I'm divorcing him.  Not to mention the fact that I just couldn't seem to get along with his girlfriends.  Good riddance!

I've been doing research about writing a novel.  It appears as though most writers (even those who are somewhat successful) really don't make all that much money (compared to the tremendous amount of work they do).  Thus I am switching my ambition to create a dating website.  I know there are tons of them but I think I can make a better one.  Really, I think a big part of making a successful site is marketing.  I am doing research right now.  Because I'm the programmer I think I can offer a good site for a very low price.  Anyhow, its keeping me out of trouble for the moment.  I slept well last night and I don't feel quite as hyper today.  Everything else seems to be going well except that I am just bored to death at work since I'm on fast forward.