ok well its my first day at doing …
ok well its my first day at doing this... i need help i cant belive i do all of this stuff to myself. Why cant i eat …
Join Now
Fyfa 
10:52am, October 17, 2008
I purged.
it was awful. I had been doing so well. I hate this!! Having to start all over again. Last night, after I purged, I went to sleep and I kept having dreams about eating and eating and then trying to purge, but nothing would come out....and it was this weird dream inside a dream thing and the thing I hate MOST about these kinds of dreams, like while I'm dreaming, I'm so sure it's real, and when I wake up, I have to remind myself that I didn't just eat 5000 calories and I just hate it.
Today.....I want to b/p again. I'm trying so hard to lose weight for an event in three months. I have to look really good and skinny. Even normal skinny would be fine. I just can't be overweight in the slightest. And it's a lot of pressure. I am trying not to eat, which I know is bad, but if I eat even a little, I won't be able to lose enough weight. I'm just freaking out about the whole thing.....I'm thinking about cancelling on the event. it's just too much and it's really not good for my eating disorder. Like, I feel really torn about it. Because it's a one time opportunity, really, it is. And I've made plans to meet a friend and we're splitting the cost of a hotel and if I skip out on her, she may not be able to afford to go. So, it wouldn't just be effecting me, it would totally screw with all her plans too because it's a one time opportunity for her and I just.....feel HORRIBLE!!!
Guys.....what should I do???
Comments
You might also like ...
ok well i am trying to eat like …
ok well i am trying to eat like normal person.... i dont know why i LOVE food so much and why i end up bingeing …
I was having an ok day until like …
I was having an ok day until like 1 hour ago.... i binged again..... why why why whywhy why why!????? i NEEEDD to …
Can you make a list of the for's and against's look at the situation clearly, on one hand you are letting your ED control you with some frail excuse to want to look like you used to, on the other hand what if I cancel, will she still be my friend, she is depending on me to share the costs, what about all the other things you will do at the event, the laughs, the companionship, change of scene, etc. Instead of tormenting yourself like this, look at your lists and decide logically. x
Fane
Hang in there, you can do this! Just keep doing things as healthy as possible and not going back to ED. Don't hate yourself for falling short of perfection, because perfection isn't possible! *hugs* I'll keep you in my prayers that you reach your goal and the event you're preparing for is just as you imagine. Much love
MandyG