Journal

I purged.

it was awful. I had been doing so well. I hate this!! Having to start all over again. Last night, after I purged, I went to sleep and I kept having dreams about eating and eating and then trying to purge, but nothing would come out....and it was this weird dream inside a dream thing and the thing I hate MOST about these kinds of dreams, like while I'm dreaming, I'm so sure it's real, and when I wake up, I have to remind myself that I didn't just eat 5000 calories and I just hate it.

Today.....I want to b/p again. I'm trying so hard to lose weight for an event in three months. I have to look really good and skinny. Even normal skinny would be fine. I just can't be overweight in the slightest. And it's a lot of pressure. I am trying not to eat, which I know is bad, but if I eat even a little, I won't be able to lose enough weight. I'm just freaking out about the whole thing.....I'm thinking about cancelling on the event. it's just too much and it's really not good for my eating disorder. Like, I feel really torn about it. Because it's a one time opportunity, really, it is. And I've made plans to meet a friend and we're splitting the cost of a hotel and if I skip out on her, she may not be able to afford to go. So, it wouldn't just be effecting me, it would totally screw with all her plans too because it's a one time opportunity for her and I just.....feel HORRIBLE!!!

Guys.....what should I do???