rmb2581's Journal

I looked at the last journal entry that I had back in February.  I can hardly recognize myself. I'm off meds (I don't recommend it -- it's a situation of having to change doctors), so I've had to make adjustments in my life to try to cope by myself. Then a funny thing happened.

In my quest to "find what to do and who I am" I decided to read Oprah's book of the month "A New Earth" by Ekhart Tolle.  I had read "The power of now" years ago and I didn't get it. Finally, I get it.  The #1 thing that prompted a change in myself is the actual discussion that the author is having on a series of webcasts about the book. 

He had the right words for me to question what is it in myself that I hate so much that I've actually considered hurting myself in the past...what I couldn't live with was MYSELF. What I need to do is change that person that I can't live with! As simple as that thought is, it was very powerful in my life.  It made all the sense in the world.  

The author also said that we (people) need to stop thinking about ourselves as "sick"; not to talk about being sick, and just surrender to the pain; not to add psychological pain on top of physical pain. So the first part of fixing my problems is fixing myself and making sure that I'm completely aware of how I AM CONTRIBUTING TO MY OWN PROBLEMS. All of this time I've been amplifying the negative by focusing on it. If you try hard, you can be aware of what my mind is saying to yourself -- NOT just listen to the nonsense.  And I say nonsense because that's what it ended up being in my case. 

So...the phrase "I can't live with myself!" became the answer. Who can't I live with? Myself. So it was myself I had to change. It wasn't anybody else but myself who held the key to most of my issues.  I stopped asking myself "what do I want out of life", and started asking myself "what does life want out of me?". 

If there is one thing that I can say to everybody that I know and everybody that I don't know, is that we need to be present at any time. Not in the past; not in the future; but right in that moment. It's made a huge difference in my level of stress, my love for myself and others, my relationship with my daughter.

It has also had some negative consequences for some...like my sister who cannot understand how I'm so calm. Misery loves company and I'm not being very good company right now. 

I'm not one to push anybody to do anything but I am very much suggesting that anybody that has been struggling with people and with yourself, PLEASE give this a chance.  It's not a cure-all but it has been life-changing so far.  I'm still a student, but the changes have been profound. If even a little of that can help you, please check it out.  You can go to Oprah's website for the details. 

Hugs!!