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  From SST Today

  Just think.....
  
  
  
  
  
  If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey, instead of a turkey, we would all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
  HAPPY TURKEY Day Love ya

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  From SST November 5

  Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
  
  This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
  
  Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
  A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
  
  Q. Where will the government get this money?
  A. From taxpayers.
  
  Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
  A. Only a smidgen.
  
  Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
  A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
  
  Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
  A. Shut up.
  
  Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
  
  * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
  * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
  * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
  * If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
  * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
  * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
  
  Instead, keep the money in America by:
  
  1 spending it at yard sales, or
  2 going to hockey/ball games, or
  3 spending it on prostitutes, or
  4 beer or
  5 tattoos.
  
  (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
  
  ***
  I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer! Just call me a patriot.

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  From SST November 1

  I like cowboy stories
  
  
  A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
  
  After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
  
  Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
  
  The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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  From SST October 22

  Ain't this the truth!!!
  
  When you visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely
  and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
  
  Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
  
  You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about
  to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom,
  no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,
  but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in
  her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume 'The Stance'.
  
  In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down,
  but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.’
  
  To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty
  toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey,
  if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’
  Your thighs shake more.
  
  You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.
  (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself
  at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
  It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
  
  Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse,
  which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward
  against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,
  tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly
  onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
  
  Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered
  seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
  time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain
  her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW
  what kind of diseases you could get.
  
  By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
  propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a
  fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
  The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
  empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
  
  At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
  You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
  slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with
  the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
  walk past the line of women still waiting.
  
  You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points
  out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
  You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,
  'Here, you just might need this.’
  
  As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
  left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and
  why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
  
  
  This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms
  (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take
  us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women
  go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse
  and hand you Kleenex under the door!
  
  
  This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
  

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  Hug

  From SST October 20

  Old Man And The Beaver
  
  An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
  for his quarterly check-up...
  
  The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
  86-year-old said ,'Things are great
  and I've never felt better.'
  
  I now have a 20 year-old bride
  who is pregnant with my child.
  
  "So what do you think about that Doc ?"
  
  
  
  
  The doctor considered his question for a minute
  and then began to tell a story.
  
  "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid
  Hunter and never misses a season."
  
  
  One day he was setting off to go hunting.
  
  In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
  walking cane instead of his gun."
  
  "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male
  beaver sitting at the water's edge..
  
  
  
  He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
  Shoot the magnificent creature.
  
  Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal
  as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
  
  "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
  beaver fell over dead.
  
  
  Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
  
  The 86-year-old said ,
  "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
  pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
  
  The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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