Journal

well today i just need to bitch and since i do that entirely to much to the people around me i just decided to complain in my journal to myself.  i have gone through about a million medications this year and about a million test and even had parts of my freakin hair shaved to have electrodes put into my head. put still i have found no results. now we are trying yet another med and ofcourse it isn't in my insurance network,which really doesn't bother me all that much because i am tired of trying new meds and all the side effects and no result. i guess what makes me angry if the fact that i am in the middle of decreasing one med and increasing another and one of them was supposed to also be increasing on fri. and starting the new one that isn't with the insurance plan, well i called dr. office on fri and i guess this was this wasn't importent enough for them to call me back so i am left with the fact that i am actually having more seizures because these meds are not at any levels they should be and i am feeling like shit.two appts. ago my dr. disscussed a surgery that we might do if this last med didn't work,which he said as well we have one more option,which i have heard one more option about the past 12 appt. so i go in on thurs. and we have well one more med we can try. i had to remind of the conversation we had about the surgery because he had no recolition of it until a talk about are last visist and remimed him of how it went,then he remembered. well now he says i think this would be a bad idea and explains the surgey as dangerous and removing part of my scall. last appt. we have one more option surgery and this time electrode will be put in a different part of my brain, well that doesn't sad bad i have been there before but now not really a good idea. what the hell is going through his brain to double talk all the fucking time and give me hope and then take away. and not even care enough to remember your last appt. this happens alot but oh well what can i do, but start to think he is an idiot