opy's Journal

It is quite obvious that our vacation sparked up the hardship of my husband's schitzoeffective dissorder. the poor man has been suffering since about two weeks before we left on the 20th of March. That is almost 5 and a half weeks now that things have been bad for him. I have been very upset about it. My worry always comes out in anger and so over vacation i didn't fully understand what was going on and was very upset for him treating me badly. Course, i am not saying he should be that way but the poor man does go through this battle in his head that i never seam to get when it first starts.

It has progressively gotten worse over the weeks. The doc changed his antianxiety pill from Kolonopin to Xanax which has helped a little bit but a very small bit to say the least. Then the registered nurse upon a check up did finally change his antidepressive medication. I thought this a good move. 

I admit I don't always deal with his problems in the most contructive way to help him. I feel awful that i might say something that hurts his self-esteme issues or might hurt him in some way. (course he is super sensitive which makes it hard) but i still always want to do the right thing.

I always feel somehow responsible. I always feel quiltridden and always feel sad. 

Right now i have my own sadness and struggle. Not only am i still dealing with my own pain on top of all his anxieties and self-esteme battles. I am also dealing with the sadness of the fact that my husband has decided he doesn't want children ever. Yes, it would have been a real struggle for us. It would have been a miracle if we ever would have had one. espeically since we have had sex maybe 2 times in the last 3 yrs but hey...i haven't stopped hoping for miracles yet. Even though I am down and still suffer from depression here and there I do still believe in miracles. I still hope for good things like a baby. 

Maybe I hope for something so wonderful and beautiful because so much else in my life isn't and maybe is is the wrong reason to want one. I woudln't want to be wishing for a child to help fix problems. I think that is just not the answer for anyone. If that is so...i hope it comes to me.

If this realization is correct i just need something good in my life. I need something each week to keep me going so i can deal with what i absolutely have to. I am having trouble finding a job so maybe i can find that.