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opy 
12:11pm, August 9, 2009
i want to have a day where I feel GREAT! no pain....lots of enegy and just do what i want without feeling guilty about all the things i am not getting done.
I want to have great sex again and cry out because it is soooo good! I want to feel forfilled and loved and look at my husband and just feel so enamored and dazed again. I want our sex to go on all day and feel tired and spent. God I miss that.
I want to have a job where I feel I am making a dent in our finacial obligations. Contribution to our lives. ...to my career and success again! I want to feel worth something....feel my worth!
I want to know that i have paid all my bills, put money in savings and have money left over. Think to myself "what to I do with this money". oh yes...I will buy those things that we have been wishing for....update for the kitchen, gagets for ourselves and things we have wanted for our families.
I want to trade my tiny car in for a bit of an upgrade with a sunroof and remote key entry.
I want to NOT go to GE every other day to pick up meds because my body is functioning right and so I am off medication. I feel great so I can just forget the heaps of drugs now.
I want to know in my heart and know it for certain that my husband is telling me the truth about his smoking....that he has quit and I don't have to worry about his health anymore. I want part of that to be that he isn't ill anymore and he has healed.
Can't our lives just heal and fix themselves so we can live a tranquil time out on this rock before it is all done for good?
The hand we have been dealt is a difficulty leavel of shitastically hard and it is really starting to piss me off. Mostly I am in awwww of it. I am here with lower lip hanging to floor and can't belive I am still dealing with this crap!
Can't I feel some sort of comfort when I look toward my husband instead of the dread of having to babysit again. I never know what I will come home to or how good or bad things will be today. BIPOLAR is one thing but this is BIPOLAR with a scoop of POOP on top. TIMES about 200.
Yes....I contribute my own load of POOP as well. I am totally sick of my malfunctioning unit. If our lives where we lived were a walled in shit hole I would just pound and pound till i broke through a little bit and could escape even a little. I am sure someone would come and drag me back to my life. I just don't understand why things can't equalize. Why us. Why any of us pain sufferers! Just why!
I want a better life. Can I trade this one in?
Comments
I do wish I could answer that one my dear! - it is THE existential question of all time! When you spoke of such good sex it made me remember - I was thinking last week that I shall prob. die without ever having sex again!! That's rather sad I feel (I mean, I still do feel!) But I'd take the pain free first. As for the Bipolar - well, right now elder d. is OK, but I never know when that will start up again. Wouldn't it be marvelous if we could go back to being 18 again? (especially if we could keep the knowledge we have gained since that age). Boy, would I NOT have done so many silly things that I have done! But I'd still get sick - as my problems are all "built in" - I mean genetic.
By the way - you do NOT want one of those cars that open with a remote sens key. Trust me. I have one; & they only give you 1 key (at least 3 keys - but only 1 remoter. If you loose it (& I loose many things) - the car has to be towed to the Rep's, where they give you another remote (at the cost of about $100) - and they change the number, so that you cannot use the old remote again (if you should find it) - well, that's what happens in Australia: I've had to go through it all: their answer about changing the number was really stupid - it's just a money making scheme. I know I should get another key remote made, but just never had the spare cash & the half day to go into the city & get it done! SO, if you ever do get one - DEMAND a second remote!!! Try to stay well - and as pain free as possible dear woman, Fond regards, JaneD.
JaneD