rebeljen's Journal

Sometimes I sit and wonder why me?  At times, I feel utterly depressed by my life but I continue on as best as I can.  I get up.  I get the kids off to school.  I go to work.  My mind is free to drift off to my job and the daily tasks at hand.  Then at the end of the day I am brought back to reality.  I am a single parent of 4 kids.  My husband is gone forever.  My family (what's left of it) is in another state so far away.  But I don't feel free to move away from here.  My life and emotions tend to get messy.  And still, I go on.  I am trying to figure it all out but what is there to figure out?  Who am I?  What is my life worth?  Where do I go from here?  How do I learn to be happy again?

Well, I'm just me.  That's all.  No one special.  But a person with feelings and emotions.  A person who wants to be loved.  A person who needs to be needed and appreciated.  By someone other than just my children.  And sometimes I wonder if I will ever have that again.  Oh, I'm not looking for a long term commitment.  Just a glimmer of hope I guess that I have worth despite my own short comings and flaws.  I know my life will never be the same.  And I know that even through it all I am becoming stronger, more able to face the daily challenges of this life.  But still I wonder sometimes, who could ever want me?  Who would ever be able to accept me like my husband did?  Is it wrong to wonder these things?  Is this just another part of the greiving process and the process of getting my life back on track?  I don't know.  For now, I just take it one day at a time and I suppose in time these questions will answer themselves.  I will continue on the best that I can and do the best that I can with my children, instilling in them the hope that the future will be brighter and happier than this time we are living in now.