rebeljen's Journal

It has been a busy 2 weeks so I'm not on too much but I do check my messages when I can.  Every night last week except Sunday I had things to do, places to go etc.  Tonight was Halloween and the kids were so excited about trick or treating. This is the first year they've allowed it here in our mobile home park since we've been here (5 years) and the kids were so  excited.  My youngest son went with some friends and thier parents and my oldest daughter took the youngest one out and my 15 year old stayed home and had "MOM" time.  I was just not up to going and he has been having problems lately.  I thought it was just him being 15 and rebellious but it turns out that he's depressed and not feeling like going any where or doing any thing and he has some personal spiritual issues right now.  Says he "sees" things and yes, I do believe in Angels and Demons here on Earth.  So we had this talk in the van, in the driveway---just us about it.  It is hard to explain that God gives us discernment to help us determine which occurrences are good and which ones are not but I think he understood quite well.  He is very sad these days.  It really breaks my heart.  I am working on my parenting skills and "keeping the lines of communication open" for him to talk to me.  Maybe it was something that happened in his group counseling last night or something that was done or said, I don't know but ever since last night he has opened up to me about his feelings. After everyone else went to bed ofcourse.  Not that he was hiding them or anything but we didn't talk about them.  And as he described what he was feeling it was as if a frying pan hit me in the side of my head and a light went on and I thought "DUH---This is exactly what you're feeling only you know how to make life continue on---go to work,go grocery shopping,do the laundry etc. he doesn't know how to respond or what to do.  He needs to know you love him and you understand him."  It's like I woke up to HIS emotions.

Why didn't I see it before???  Am I so stuck in my own world or so self absorbed in my own pain to not recognize his pain???  Or is it just that I didn't choose to see it???  I don't know but I'm greatful for the moments we have shared in the lat 24 hours.   

I'm so busy at work that I can't see straight.  We had a floor stripping last night so the last couple of days we've had to take everything off the floor and put it all back out. Not a fun task for a bunch of old tired women (plus a few whimpy men).  And don't get me started on paperwork.  I got the weekend paperwork done today but tomorrow is Thursday and the end of the month stuff is due.   UGH!!!

Yesterday, I went to a funeral for a friend/co-worker killed in an accident, it was hard for me, but I went---came home and got the kids and went to counseling, then had to go to the store to get dinner, come home, cook(I cheated---TV dinners---Thank God for them!!!) and attempted to clean.  Before I knew it 10pm had come and gone and I had no idea whose homework was done and who had clean clothes for school.  UGH!!!  There's just never enough hours in the day to do it all. 

And this single parenting thing really sucks.  I'm not used to it and I'm not too good at it just yet.  Tomorrow I'll probably have to work till 3pm and try to get the paperwork caught up so I can go to see the attorney at 4pm and give her my marriage cert. and his death cert. which I haven't even found yet!!!  What a nightmare.  Can't believe I have to prove my marriage and kids births etc. and provide documentation on everyone.  I have no clue where everything is right now cause my life is so disorganized.  I hate it.  I got some boxes together today to sort stuff out in my room and go through it tonight but I left them at work.

 On a good note it seems I'm beginning to sleep a little.  I woke up Saturday and Sunday having had little "dreams".  They were dumb but I felt so much better--had more energy and more alert.  I "slept" 7 hours Saturday night and about the same on Sunday.  Since then, I'm getting very little again and it's not great sleep.  I can't wait for the weekend to see if I can do it again or if it was just a fluke. 

So that's what's happening here with us.  So how has your week been???