rebeljen's Journal

There's been so much going oh here.  I've begun counseling for myself and the kids start their groups this Tuesday night.  I suppose it has been helpful to talk it out but it seems awkward to talk to someone I don't know about my life and what is going on.  2 weeks ago when I went in for my intake I was having a very bad week and totally fell apart at work and had to take a Xanax.  No matter what I did all I did was cry all day.  My employees and customers tried to be supportive and tell me it was ok but everytime they spoke to me at all, I cried again.  Wow did I feel like I was losing my mind.  Then 2 days after that I went to the intake apt and she asked me what was going on and how they could help me and I said. "Well, do you have a box of Kleenex cause I'm gonna lose it" and that's just what I did.  I've gone back twice since then.  My first official appointment I cried and the second one I just felt awkward and was tired so we cut it 15 minutes short.  I just don't know what I'm supposed to say or what I'm supposed to talk about there.  And they wait for me to talk and then respond to me.  I guess it must help though cause both times I felt better.  Does that make any sense??? 

 I'm supposed to find time for myself and do something I like to do, preferably without the kids.  But I don't really know what I like to do anymore.  So I really had to sit and think about it.  I used to like crocheting, doing puzzle books and reading.  I don't know if I can crichet with carpel tunnel but I did buy a puzzle book.  And I bought some books on grief and greiving but haven't really attempted to crack them open yet.  Maybe I'm just not ready to deal with it.  I don't know why I bought these books if I'm not going to read them.  I thought I'd get them and read them and they'd help me out but I really have no motivation to read just yet.  I don't know why not.

 I was supposed to go to court on Thursday for the sentencing of the man who hit us and killed my husband but it was postponed until Tuesday.  As nervous as I was about giving my victim's impact statement you'd think I would have been relieved but I was actually more upset that it was postponed for another day.  Maybe, it's just because this part of it was about to end for me and now it will last a few more days.  I just don't know anymore.

 My stepson Shane and I talk on a regular basis.  He calls atleast 3-5 times a week and when he does he won't let me go for hours on end.  He's been calling and talking to my mom too.  I guess it must be good for him to connect with us this way or he would not call so much.  He's 18 and having personal drug and alcohol issues and I just keep telling him how much we care about him and want to see him get his life together.  He wants to come stay with me for a week and see the kids.  I'm not really sure how to feel about this though.  On one hand I want him to come but on the other I look around me and my life is such a mess.  My house is a mess, my kids are a mess and I would be embarassed to have anyone come over to see me.  I don't really have the motivation right now to get it together either.  I spend my days off in bed or parked on the couch watching TV with no energy to move.  I did go to church last weekend with some friends though and took my daughter shopping for her 14th birthday.

This weekend I have been sick.  I stayed in bed until 3pm today, then took my daughter to Wal-mart to get some school supplies and get me some dayquil for my cough and cold symptoms.  My lungs hurt, my throat is sore and my voice is weak.  I didn't get up to go to church this morning.  This is the first time I have actually been physically sick since my husband died.  He used to keep the kids at bay so I could sleep and manage the house for me. And at times he would just stay in bed with me and rub my back so I'd know he was there to care for me.   I really miss that. 

I had some homeless guys I kicked off the property at my job this week threaten to smash up my car.  It really shook me up.  I called the police and they said the next time they come around don't say anything to them, just call the police so they can site them for tresspassing.  The one has a definate anger problem and really scares me.  I almost walked off the job because it's just too much to handle right now.  I was visibly shaking.  I told my cashiers that either the police get them or I'll have to ask for a transfer to another store or just plain quit.  i don't need this right now.

Thanks for reading this and please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I'm supposed to go to court this Tuesday and the kids start their counseling on that day too.  So it will be a very busy day for us all.