rebeljen's Journal

 MY REPLY TO STRUGGLING WITH FAITH.........

I understand struggling with your faith all too well. My husband and I faithfully led worship at our church. He preached. I led a monthly women's bible study. We cleaned, we fellowshiped---all the things good christians are supposed to do. I believe with my whole heart the Bible from beginning to end and that God exists. If not, my life would have no meaning. If there's nothing beyond this life, we have no hope. It's not organized religion that we are to cling to but to a good and loving God who created this Earth. The wind, the trees, the oceans, the air we breahe, did not all just happen by chance. There's too many "coincidences" and too many factors that have to be just right for us to survive here. It was all put here---created just for us.

The Bible says we were created for His good pleasure and that He knows the plans He has for us---they are for good and not evil. I could go on and on. So many of you expressed a dislike of "religion" and you are right that "religion" is not what we look to because even the Pharases in the Bible were religious. But they lived their lives by the "laws" of the land not by the love of Jesus Christ. Following Jesus and using the Bible to live our lives is all about love, not works, not gifts, not talents, not how much we have or how much we can give, or following religious laws. The Pharasees doubted Him, questioned Him, they chastised Him, they gossiped and were some of the biggest criminals of that time. They were hypocrites. They did not know the true love of God. I'm not big on organized religion either but I do believe that there is strength in congregations who are united in the LOVE of Jesus Christ and admiration of God, our creator. I've been chastised by churches, dismissed from doing service because my life was not "just right". That's organized religion and is based on condemnation theology. We all know John 3:16 but John 3:17 says "For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." If we live in condemnation there is no room to be like Christ and to live a life of love.

But when you lose someone so close to you, so tragically and so sudden whether from an illness or sudden trama, it is normal for your faith to be shaken. Everything happens for a reason, although it may not seem fair to us at the time. Even Job, whose family, whose servants, whose cattle and sheep, whose very health, whose entire existance was taken away from him, cursed God for a time. God did not take those things from him but he allowed them to be taken by Satan for a greater good. In the end, God restored Job's entire life and his faith back to him plus more. I know this makes no sense to anyone here who is suffering. But it is what I believe. When my dad committed suicide I was angry and bitter. I struggled with knowing whether he was in Heaven or Hell. I had been told both by good "church" people. As my pastor at the time pointed out---we do not know what his final thoughts were. He could have cried out to God for forgiveness. After all God is quick to forgive and even quicker to save. He attended church and was a loving man so why not? He was just depressed and sick. Years later I was able to help a good friend whose brother committed suicide. She was so greatful to have someone to talk to who would understand her thoughts and feelings. So God used this bad experience for good, many years later.

And yet, as I am dealing with my husbands death, I struggle still. I know he is with the Lord. He loved the Lord with all his heart and NEVER had doubts about where he would go if he died. He said no matter what happened in his life he always had the presence of God with him. So as I am struggling with my faith---well no, not my faith but my RELATIONSHIP with the Lord, I can rest assured by my husbands faith that he IS in a better place. Why would I want to think he was in a worse one anyway??? Well, guess this is a hot topic with me and I am sorry to have rambled on but I do hope it helps someone out there.

Believe what you want to. I can't decide for you. But for me, I still believe in a good and loving God and that my husband is there now, resting in His presence. In the meantime, my relationship with God is struggling and as I go through this change in my life, I know it will be restored when the time is right and I've had time to heal. But for now, I'm just waiting for my emotions to be healed amd my faith to be restored.  A process that will take years to fully evolve.

If anyone wants to chat, send me a message. I'm not interested in arguements but discussions are great. God Bless and take one day at a time, one moment at a time or one step at a time. Whatever gets you through the day. Jen