rebeljen's Journal

Grief is a curious thing.

Sometimes you feel like crying for just no reason, a song on the radio, something someone says or does, or simply just because......and you don't even know why. Sometimes you have moments of joy when you remember a lost loved one, the special moments, funny memories, BAD JOKES, bad hairdoo, a special food, song or fragrance that remind you of them. There are times of panic and anxiety where you can't contend with life and you just want to go home and start all over again...tomorrow. And depression where you just want to curl up in a ball and lay there in your own pain and not do a thing. Also, anger of which I have not personally had much of yet.

Then there are the times of nothingness. Absolute nothingness. The numbness, lack of feeling that leaves your head in a fog, of oblivion where you feel nothing. No pain, no sadness, no joy, no tears, no depression, no gut wrenching anxiety or panic, no anger. And you quietly wonder why this happened or why you can't or don't feel anything at the moment. Call it self preservation. Call it a defense mechanism. Call it our way of protecting our very own lives. It is real. And it is there. Acknowledge it and move on. Personally, I enjoy my moments of nothingness because at times, the emotions are just too overwhelming for me to handle.

Everyone experiences their own rash of emotions, in their own time. No one's grief is the same. I'm learning that my grief process is entirely my own. No one can tell me what to think or how to feel, what to say or what I should do or what I need to do right now. It just is the way it is. And it gives me strength to know that it is all normal. Painful, yes, but a normal part of this process.

For me, I find confort in the knowledge that I told my spouse that I loved him, that we all loved him, before he died and that he loved God above all else. Sometimes it also brings me sadness that he's not here anymore. I also find comfort in knowing that he didn't struggle with his own faith in God like I currently do. He always said that no matter what was going on around him, he could pick up his guitar and worship God and that the presence of God was always there with him. I'm glad for that because I know where he is now, with a loving God who never gave up on him but gave him strength to face life's little ups and downs. And one day, I pray, I will be able to sit through an entire worship service at church and not cry my eyes out over the words or music.

But for now, that is where I'm at.

Until then, pray for me. Pray for me to be strong. Pray for God to give me the strength to face my own grief and deal in my own way, and to restore my faith, my heart, and my relationship with him. Pray that I can continue being strong for my 4 children, answering their questions and comforting their fears. And please understand that what I am going through, is my own grief process and no one can dectate how long it will last or my emotions or my responses to my emotions at this time. They are solely mine. There is no right or wrong way to experience and deal with grief. No one has the answers for me. There is no miracle cure for my grief I just have to live it. And each day, it will get a little better, more bearable and easier to deal with. Ofcourse there will be my "good" days and my "bad" days, but I know that in the end there will be brighter tomorrows ahead. For now, today is just another day I have to get through, if only one moment at a time.