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rebeljen 
12:45pm, August 9, 2008
I just want to say hello again to all my DS friends and give a quick update on what is going n in my life as well as share with you all a precious, happy and sad dream I had Early in January. Things are going well for me and I still face the daily struggles of being a single mom of 4 plus my step-son but I am feeling much more "Normal" than I have since the accident.
I remember the days of looking at the world and watching it all go by so fast and not feeling like I belonged. Like I was waiting for life to end and feeling like no one noticed me there just waiting and watching. I was disconnected from my surroundings and my emotions much of the time and on anti-depressants and xanax for the anxiety of everyday life. I literally got up each day and went through the motions and "acted" as normal as I could be. But people still knew I was a mess. In retrospect I went back to work entirely too soon not knowing what else to do but go on one day at a time, one moment at a time and sometimes simply oe step at a time. But now it is so different from those days and I have begun to really live again. Oh I will never be the same but in some ways I have benefitted from the pain and suffering and sorrow I have had to deal with. I can see with clarity now what is important and let the unimportant stuff go. I pick and chhose my battles wisely and I can see that in no way will money, property, or physical things make me happy. I know who I am now and I am a strong woman who will go on with her life, have true love gain, and will live again. Not the same peron I was 21 months ago. A new me. And I am ready to make a new life for me and the kids and to move forward with living again.
In the area of changes and doing new things I am taking a trip to Africa in April to meet my new love, Karim, whom I met online last year. We have been talking on the phone daily and conversing via webcam and text messaging and it is a blessing that I can go there with my tax returns. My mom is going to care for the kids that week for me so I will not have to worry about anything where the kids are concerned. She has been a big help to me and supportive of my decision to go. And although we are not as close as I wouldlike to be she is still my mom and I know she wants the best for me and she did all she could to raise us kids to the best of her ability. Right now this trip is a dream come true for me, to travel to another country and the break from the kids is a long and overdue one. I love them all but they fight and argue like cats and dogs and it just simply makes me CRAZY!!!
I had a dream in early January in which Greg released me to go on with my life, told me he loved me and the kids and he said goodbye to me. I want to share my blog from my myspace page about it in hopes that it will be positive and insiring to some of you........
Sunday, January 04, 2009
LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM.......
Current mood:
peaceful
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Current mood:
peaceful Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Last night I had a dream, a dream so real and so emotional to me. I dreamt I was in an airport with all my kids, my mom and my step-son Shane. Shane said to me, "Mom, I need to show you something." And I said, "Just a minute." And he said, "Come on mom, I need to show you now!" So I turned to my mom and the other kids and said, "You guys go on and we'll be right there." They walked away as Shane and I took a walk through the airport.
We turned a corner and I found myself face to face with my late husband Greg. I screamed and cried and wrapped my arms around his neck. I said, "Oh My God....I thought you were dead!!! What's going on? Where have you been?" He said, "I am ok. It's just that I am in the witness protection program so they made it seem I was dead. (Yeah, lame line right? Where did that come from? LOL) And I told him I was so glad he was alive and the kids and I missed him so much. He said, "Well, I missed you too and I am ok. But this will be the last time you see me." I said "What?" And he said yeah, "I won't be able to see you any more so you need to go on with your life and don't worry about me. I just wanted to let you know I am ok."
My heart was conflicted and tears ran down my face as I watched him turn and walk away. I know it was a dream but it seemed all too real, from the tears and the joy to the sorrow and pain. And I wondered why did I dream this? Was it really him coming to tell me he is ok and I should just continue on with my life? I would really like to think so. I know he wants us to be happy. I am planning a trip to Ghana to see Karim, hopefully to start a life with him. I am going after what I want in this life. I am seeking happiness and have found love again. Was this Greg's way of telling me it is ok to do this? To live for myself and follow my dreams now?
As I reflect on this dream I am oddly at peace. I know Greg is in a better place. That there is no sorrow or pain for him there. And I know he loves us all and that if he could be with us again he would be. But the bottom line here is he can't be. So all I can do is go on with my life. To live this life to the best of my ability I have to learn to make my own way and seek my own happiness. For me and the kids. I know I am learning a lot in life right now, how to be a better parent and provide for my family on my own. And I am proud of myself for being so strong for myself and my kids. Yes, there are still the times that I am sad, mad, depressed about the events of the past. But each day I grow a little stronger. And today as I think about the dream of Greg I thank him for giving me the freedom to live my life as I choose, and the courage to go on and experience each new day with the hope that this day will be better than the last.
Thank you my dear friends and family for all of your love and support through the last 19 months of my life. It is because of you and my kids I have come from a woman who could barely get up and face the day to one who is making plans for the future and has hopes and dreams of a better life ahead. I love you all. Take care and God bless you..........
I hope this will inspire you to go through the emotions
I love each of you and pray you all have an awesome day!!!
Jenifer
Comments
Hi Jenifer, Long time no see....I am so happy to see that you had such an amazing dream. I am equally happy that you are feeling strong and able to move forward in your life, what a gift and joy to feel alive again. Love and Hugs, Vera
Ericksmom
Thank you so much for sharing this...
eileenR