rebeljen's Journal

WELL, LIKE I SAID BEFORE IT HAS BEEN A YEAR (actually 14 months today) SINCE GREG DIED.  AND A LONG 14 MONTHS IT HAS BEEN.  BUT LIFE HAS IT'S UPS AND DOWNS, TWISTS AND TURNS AND WE NEVER QUITE KNOW WHAT IS IN STORE FOR US JUST AROUND THE BEND.  

I HAVE FOUND A NEW LOVE INTEREST IN MY LIFE.  YES, ME.  AND AS HARD AS THAT IS TO BELIEVE THE DETAILS ARE PROBABLY HARDER TO SWALLOW FOR MANY OF YOU.  BUT IT IS MY LIFE AND I'M GOING TO LIVE IT.  SO LET ME JUST GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.  AND LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HIM.

HIS NAME IS KAREEM AND I MET HIM ONLINE.  YES, I SAID ONLINE.  LOVE CAN COME AT US AT ANYTIME AND FROM ANY DIRECTION.   HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN, VERY SIMPLE AND GENTLE IN HIS WAYS, THOUGHTFUL WITH HIS WORDS AND PLEASING TO THE EYE.  HE IS 6 FEET TALL, HE IS A CHRISTIAN MAN WITH A GREAT REVERENCE FOR GOD WHO BELIEVES THAT GOD HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER.  HE  HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE, LOVES MY KIDS, IS VERY WISE BEYOND HIS YEARS AND HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.  HE SHARES HIS POETRY AND WRITES EMAILS TO ME AND HE MAKES ME TRULY HAPPY.  

HERE'S THE KICKER THOUGH AND SOME OF YOU WILL THINK I AM CRAZY FOR THIS.....BUT I DON'T CARE.....HE LIVES IN GHANA, WEST AFRICA.  BUT THAT DOES NOT STOP HIM FROM LOVING ME AND MY KIDS.  WE CHAT ONLINE EVERYDAY, CALL ON THE PHONE (IT'S REALLY NOT TOO EXPENSIVE), AND SEE EACH OTHER ON THE WEBCAM.  EVERYDAY WITHOUT FAIL.  HE EVEN TALKS TO MY KIDS, IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD WITH THEM AND THEY ADORE HIM.  HE CHATS WITH MY MOM TOO WHEN HE CAN AND TELLS HER HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME.  HE IS AMAZING.  I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD WANT ME (I HAVE BEEN DATING FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS NOW....NOTHING PROMISING!!!) LET ALONE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL FROM AFRICA!!!  

YOU ASK ME HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE ONLINE? WELL, I LOVE HIS THOUGHTS AND WORDS, I LOVE HOW HE IS WITH THE KIDS AND ME, AND I LOVE THAT HE WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE.  I LOVE THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.  AND I LOVE HIS BEAUTIFUL SMILE!  I BELIEVE HE IS TRULY A GIFT FROM ABOVE SENT FOR ME AND THE KIDS.  TO HELP HEAL OUR BROKEN HEARTS AND MOVE ON WITH LIFE. 

HE LOVES SO EASILY AND IS SO EASY TO LOVE.  HE HAS HAD HIS HEART BROKEN TOO IN LOVE AND IN LOSS.  BUT, HE HAS SOMEHOW BROKEN THROUGH THE WALLS AROUND MY HEART THAT PROTECTED ME FROM GETTING HURT AGAIN, AND LEARNING TO LOVE SOMEONE AGAIN.  THAT IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO.  HE HAS TOUCHED MY HEART WITH HIS WORDS AND KIND GESTURES.  I SIMPLY CAN NOT EXPLAIN IT ANY CLEARER THAN THAT.

AND ONE DAY SOON, I WILL GO THERE TO MEET HIM.  I AM TAKING MY VACATION THIS YEAR WITHOUT THE KIDS AND TAKING A TRIP TO GHANA.  CRAZY I KNOW BUT I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT LIFE IS JUST CRAZY SOMETIMES.  IT IS A ONCE IN A LIFE TIME EXPERIENCE AND I NEED THIS.....TO GET AWAY BY MYSELF.  I THINK IT IS PART OF MY PERIOD OF SELF DISCOVERY.  I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE.  AND I WANT TO BE SPONTANEOUS AND LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST. 

THERE'S A SAYING THAT GOES LIKE THIS......IF YOU GET A CHANCE TAKE IT, IF IT CHANGES YOUR LIFE LET IT, IT JUST MIGHT NOT COME ALONG AGAIN......SO THIS IS MY CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE AND I'M GOING TO TAKE IT.  AND IF THIS IS NOT A REAL LOVE CONNECTION THEN ATLEAST IT WILL BE ONE HELL OF A VACATION!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! AND SOMETHING I WILL REMEMBER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

TO HAVE A LOVE FROM SUCH A DISTANCE IS NOT HARD.  WITH HIM IT IS EASY AND IT GETS EASIER EACH DAY.  HE SENDS ME PICTURES OF HIMSELF, HIS FAMILY, HIS FRIENDS AND HIS COUNTRY.  AND I LOVE IT ALL.  HIS PARENTS WANT TO MEET ME AND SAY THEY CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY THAT HAPPENS.  AND THEY LOVE THAT I HAVE CHILDREN.

HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT GREG.  I HAVE SHARED ALL THE DETAILS AND EMOTION OF HIS DEATH, OUR MARRIAGE, AND MY LIFE UP UNTIL NOW.  AND HE UNDERSTANDS.  HE LOST HIS 5 YEAR OLD LITTLE BROTHER 2 YEARS AGO.  SO WE HAVE SHARED OUR EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES.  HE EVEN KNOWS THINGS ABOUT ME THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS.  AND IT IS REALLY GREAT TO TALK SO FREELY WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT JUDGE ME OR TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO, THINK, OR FEEL AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE.

SO AM I A FOOL FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP FROM SO FAR AWAY?  WELL MAYBE SO BUT ONLY TIME WILL TELL.  BUT FOR NOW, I AM FREE TO ACCEPT HIS LOVE, TO GIVE HIM MY LOVE AND ATTENTION AND HOPEFULLY ONE DAY SOON MEET HIM AND GET TO KNOW HIM MORE DEEPLY THAN I DO NOW.  UNTIL THEN, WISH ME THE BEST MY FRIENDS AND KEEP ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AS I HAVE KEPT YOU IN MINE.

SO ALL I ASK OF YOU MY FRIENDS IS TO BE HAPPY FOR ME, PRAY FOR ME AND MY KIDS.  AND FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING HERE AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO BUT LIFE IS BUSY NOW AND THE DAYS GET AWAY FROM ME....... 

HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY AND ENJOY EACH MOMENT THAT GOD HAS GIVEN EVERYONE OF YOU.  I THANK GOD FOR EACH OF YOU EVERYDAY.  WITHOUT YOU ALL, YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE RIGHT NOW.  GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE.  UNTIL NEXT TIME YOU WILL ALL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.

LOVE, JENIFER